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01-05-2013 at 12:15 AM
baylissmom...
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XP: Hospital visitors - Unreasonable??

Backstory:

My sister and I do not have a great relationship, we have never been close, I find her incredibly self absorbed and I only bite my tongue and keep my mouth shut to keep the peace for the sake of my parents.

Since the start of this pregnancy she has been reasonably unsupportive, letting me know a week after I told her I was pregnant that her and her then fiance (now engaged to someone else) would be starting IVF (constantly tries to steal my good news, did the same with our engagement and our wedding) and other behaviours that have always had an ulterior motive behind them eg buying me baby clothes in the hopes that I would make her a god parent. She has also done nothing but be negative eg telling me her 'horror labour story', telling me my baby is going to have ADHD, that shes a massive baby, that DH will be down at the pub, that DH is to immature blah blah blah,

She now lives in another city with is fantastic as Hubby and I do not have alot to do with her but she has decided that she wants to be here when I have baby and is coming up to stay with my brother (another house thank god) from the 12 Jan - 29 Jan (due date 20 Jan) so she and her son age 7 are here when I "hurry up and pop this kid out" and so that "she is one of the first ones to hold baby before any of those other b***hes (my friends) hold her".

I am feeling so overwhelmed by all of this that I am wanting to put a hospital visitor ban on all visitors except for my parents and DH's parents for the first day or two so that I can rest, DH and I can bond with baby and so that I have a good chance to establish BFing before being inundated with friends/family.

My question is: do you think this is being unreasonable? I haven't spoken to DH about it yet as I know he will support me with this (he hates my sister) and also how would you approach telling her?

TIA

A very distressed mommy to be

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01-05-2013 at 1:11 AM
nyki06
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I fall in the camp of thinking that it's your labor and delivery so you get to choose who visits you or doesn't. If you only want those people and you think it will create less stress then stick to it because you know what's best for you. Don't let others dictate what your first few days as a family of three are like. 
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01-05-2013 at 2:00 AM
Happy2BPre...
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Honestly, I would just tell her that you don't want her to be there.  I think it would be more awkward if she tried to show up and was not allowed.  Like the previous poster said, this is your baby and you can do whatever you want! 
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01-05-2013 at 2:17 AM
hugmonkey
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I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.  It's your labor and your baby.  I find the thought of having people around stressful, so DH and I aren't allowing any visitors--not even our parents--until at leat the day after I give birth. 

Me: 35 DH: 30 TTC since 1/2010 DX: 6/15/2011: MFI IVF with ICSI

IVF #1: Sept 2011: Beta 10/10- BFP!! 1st u/s 10/31/11 1 blighted ovum, 1 embryo 2nd u/s 11/14/11 stopped growing, no h/b D/C 11/17/11

IVF #2: FET 5/4/12 : Beta 5/16/12 BFN

IVF #3: ET 7/6/12 : 7/18 Beta #1 BFP at 246, 7/20 Beta #2 at 713, 7/27 Beta #3 at 9068. 1st u/s 8/7 with one lovely hb.
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01-05-2013 at 2:27 AM
baylissmom...
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baylissmomma is not online. Last active: 02-18-2013, 12:55 AMNewbie
I will definitely tell her beforehand but I know she is going to throw a tantrum and go crying to my parents about it so just wanting some opinions :
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01-05-2013 at 2:41 AM
Kimbus22
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baylissmomma:
I will definitely tell her beforehand but I know she is going to throw a tantrum and go crying to my parents about it so just wanting some opinions :

Nope.  You're being totally reasonable.  It's your delivery, not hers.

When I was in labor the nurses came in and said if i wanted people out of the room, just let them know and they'd kick them out claiming some medical thing so I wouldn't have to be the bad guy :)

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01-05-2013 at 4:37 AM
saturdayni...
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Happy2BPregnant:
Honestly, I would just tell her that you don't want her to be there.  I think it would be more awkward if she tried to show up and was not allowed.  Like the previous poster said, this is your baby and you can do whatever you want! 

this.  
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01-05-2013 at 4:48 AM
sgreen13
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also check and see if her is allowed to visit. A lot of hospitals are restricting children due to the flu

.
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01-05-2013 at 6:09 AM
grace_smit...
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As a pp said, I might put it on the hospital restricting visitors...also, would it be so bad to not give her a call until AFTER you've had the baby? And then you can make up your mind whether or not to see her right away. Good luck.
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01-05-2013 at 6:53 AM
jannv11
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Not unreasonable at all.  It's totally your call.  I didn't think ahead about it and by the time we got home from the hospital I was in tears b/c i was so tired.  We had visitors the whole time and it just isn't necessary!  tell them to wait till your home and settled.   
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01-05-2013 at 7:32 AM
OhBaby+201...
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I agree with the others, this is your life and your experience.  Be sure it is why you want.  With that said, maybe talk to your parents first so that they can help support your decision if/when your sister goes running to them.  Good luck, I know it's not easy but you will figure it out.
 
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01-05-2013 at 8:41 AM
rm2013
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I agree it's what makes you comfortable. Do tell her you'd rather she wait to visit, especially BEFORE she comes to town, but also have her not on the visitor list just in case she tried to come anyway.
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01-05-2013 at 9:45 AM
Rosebean
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Keep it simple though... I had to have a talk like this with my mom. I thought it would hurt her feelings when I told her that DH and I wanted her OUT of the room for delivery and then a few hours after LO is born. I told her we wanted private time to bond and get BF established. She was incredibly understanding (big surprise). But I just told her that I wanted to talk to her about what our thoughts were, and of course if anything changes, we would let her know. 

Basically I just set the expectation that it could be a couple of hours or more before my mom and dad can meet their grand baby. It almost feels selfish from our end, but it just gives us room to breath.

With your sister, just keep it simple and play her game. Tell her that you are going to call in visitors when you are ready. For all you know, you could deliver, have your golden hour than decide that you are ready for family to pop in. Or maybe it won't be until you have had the chance to sleep. But promise her that she will be the first of all the b&$@*es to be able to hold the baby. I think that is really all that matters to her. You don't know how your delivery is going to go. So you can't make promises as to how long it will take before you are all ready for visitors. But as long as she (proud Auntie) gets to hold her niece or nephew first, you may save yourself a bit of family drama that will come back to bite you. 
Life was wonderful before you came along. Now I can't imagine how much more spectacular it will be when you come into our lives.  
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01-05-2013 at 10:57 AM
JenS2203
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I think limiting hospital visits is perfectly reasonable. I had so many people in and out the first day with DD1 that made me so stressed and upset, the nurses put a sign on my door saying NO visitors. Anyone wanting to come in had to check at the nursing station first. The hospital staff comes in and out for various things enough, let alone adding extended family and friends. With DD2, I pretty much told people to not bother coming to the hospital, that I would be resting and not taking visitors.
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01-05-2013 at 11:35 AM
sthomas122...
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I completely understand your situation. I'm not even talking to my sister right now as she pretty much told me I'm a horrible mom and that all my complications are my fault (I'm not making this up...). Her and my mom also steal my "spotlight". Like when we finally set our wedding date, my mom who'd been engaged for years picked a date finally, 2 months before our wedding. And then my sister who literally had just gotten engaged picked a date 3 months after our wedding... Oh and they'd both been married before... Isn't family just amazing?

Anyways, I'm in the same camp as you. I'm thankful that our hospital calls us first before letting visitors back. I think me and DH have decided we're just not telling anyone, not even parents, until 24 hours after baby is here. That way we can bond, not worry about phone calls and visitors, and just enjoy baby's first day alone together as a new family. And my husband, after my sister went off on me with all this crap, specifically said she's not allowed to visit until he says so. And my husband typically stays out of my family drama. 

So, do what you think is best for YOU and LO. This is your baby, your birth, your labor. As to how to tell sister no visiting for X amount of time, I have no advice b/c I haven't covered that with my mom yet...  
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01-05-2013 at 12:34 PM
CelticWife
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Try this. Due to the flu and wooping cough epidemics, we are only allowed to have 2 visitors on the floor at a time, and only from 57pm. Because we will be in the hospital such a short time, it will be much easier on you if you wait until we are home to visit.

Tell your nurses you want no visitors, other then your parents. They will tell people who show up that you are asleep and not to be disturbed.

Nurses are awesome.
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01-05-2013 at 3:37 PM
Kingston54
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Agreed that it's your baby - your choice!
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01-05-2013 at 9:03 PM
andieb0316
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I agree with everyone, it's your labor, you should be as comfortable as possible, you shouldn't have to stress about other people being there. I had to (politely) explain to my mother that before she comes to the hospital she has to shower and wash her hair and not smoke again, because I don't want cigarette smoke around my son, and I've told my family that I don't want anyone beyond my parents, sister, and in laws at the hospital, everyone else can visit once we get home. Those first few precious days I want to bond with my son and BF. My husband is in Basic Training for the Air Force, so unfortunately he won't be present for the birth. It's going to be hard without him and I'm not going to feel like entertaining everyone else. Unfortunately it's not going to be an easy conversation, even with your prior history, but it's better to be upfront and honest instead of being upset and stressed in the hospital. 
 
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