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01-05-2013 at 11:56 AM
brenanigan...
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brenanigans is not online. Last active: 05-09-2013, 1:14 PMBronze

I want to include step daughter but can't ):

Here I am already in my second trimester and my husbands daughter still has no clue she's going to be a big sister. ): The mom and my hubby had a bad break up and had been broken up over a year when we got together, told him she didn't want to be with him and even when he asked if they were going to ever try to work it out she said no. So he and I got together. Well she became jealous and began keeping his daughter from him and telling her that daddy doesn't love her etc. They are in court and he is about to have joint custody, but I just don't know if there is anything I could do to make this situation better? I want to include her but it's hard if I don't get to see her.

Anyone have suggestions or experience with stepchildren? I don't want her feeling forgotten or left out when I have the baby. I am already at 6 months and she has no clue! I'm hoping hubby will have a heart to heart with her. Mind you she's only 2 1/2.  ): Help?
 
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01-05-2013 at 12:00 PM
Trish&Pete...
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I don't have experience with step children but at 2 1/2 I doubt she is going to hold any resentment against you. She may not even understand the concept of you being pg. If she was 10 that would be a totally different case. I have a 2 and 3 yo and the 3 yo only kind of gets it. I don't think it will be "real" to either of them until they meet the baby and we take it home and it stays here. I don't think not knowing is going to effect her as much as the squabble between mom and dad. 
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01-05-2013 at 12:02 PM
mommatotwo...
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Goodness, what kind of devil women would break her 2 year olds heart by telling her daddy doesn't love her!? That's the worst thing I've heard in a while! I'm sorry you are going through this. I wouldn't stress to much about the timing, telling her even a couple of weeks before the baby gets here will still be exciting for her, especially at this age. We told DD when I was 4 weeks pregnant that she was going to be a big sister, I think it was a mistake to tell her that early lol because she asks all the time if the baby is ever going to get here.
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01-05-2013 at 12:04 PM
brenanigan...
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brenanigans is not online. Last active: 05-09-2013, 1:14 PMBronze
yeah, you are probably right. I will be glad when some normalcy is established. I guess my best bet is not to overload her with big sister stuff and freak her out. I'm sure this is a confusing time for her.
 
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01-05-2013 at 12:06 PM
brenanigan...
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brenanigans is not online. Last active: 05-09-2013, 1:14 PMBronze
I'm guessing she was just angry and emotional when she said that, but she says things of that sort a lot (hubby hears it over the phone) she tries to make him feel like crap a lot because he moved on and got married. 
 
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01-05-2013 at 1:08 PM
stacia601
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I'm sorry you are in this position.  I too have a young SD, but we are lucky enough to see her.  She lives 14 hrs away from us, so we only get to see her a couple times a year.  When we do see her, we get her for a few weeks at a time.  (we were able to have her from the beginning of December through Christmas and New Years)  She is 3 1/2, and at first, didn't understand what it meant with me being pregnant.  We started drilling it into her head that she was going to be a big sister and have included her in doctors appts.  It took her a few days, but she understands now and is excited.  I think at 2 1/2, she wont be able to process what you are saying.  That being said, what kind of a mother would do that o their child?  It's very immature and childish and is causing more harm to the girl than she thinks.  Does the mom know you are pregnant?  We told his ex when I was 8 weeks along.  It caused a huge arguement between them and she was saying how now he has a new family and C is all in the past.  She came around after a few days and as far as I know, accepts it.  (she kind of has no choice but to accept it, because as long as I'm in his life, the baby and I are in his daughter's life as well).  I'm hoping the mom sucks it up and comes around.  It's not fair to his daughter for her to be acting like this.

I'm sorry if this was rambling.  I had so many thoughs running through my head and just started typing.  HTH! and good luck!
Avery Elaine born 5/21  
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01-05-2013 at 1:22 PM
brenanigan...
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brenanigans is not online. Last active: 05-09-2013, 1:14 PMBronze
omg yes! this is exactly how she acted! I tried to be understanding but I feel like she uses sd a lot to make dh feel bad. Yeah she has known since I was around 10 weeks. It's just a hard position to be in. Probably for both parties, but I feel like pulling a child into it is inexcusable no matter what. :P
 
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01-05-2013 at 1:45 PM
rpalen29
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my 4 year old nephew doesn't even know what being pregnant is, and I don't think he realizes that he'll have a new cousin soon. I wouldn't sweat it; shes still very young. Theres really not a whole lot to include her in, except telling her your pregnant, and maybe her picking out an outfit for the baby. 
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01-05-2013 at 3:34 PM
happywife2...
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At 2yrs old she likely doesn't need a talk about pregnancy. Leave it to the dad, as she is his child. If you make a move he doesn't approve of (such as having a 'heart-to-heart' with her) you will be putting strain on your relationship at a time when you both need each others support. The whole situation with the exwife is NOT your fault or your problem. Even though not getting involved might be hard, it will save you heartache and allow you to focus on your own family. Vent here or to a good friend instead of to him so you can get your feelings out without increasing his stress. As hard as this is for you, it is twice as hard for him.

Since little ones tend to looove babies, the stepdaughter will probably be overjoyed to find one at her dad's house. I bet it will make her more eager to come visit, no matter what mom says.

If it's any consolation, my mother told me the same vicious lies about my dad, but it never had any effect because his actions proved his love for me over and over throughout my life.

 

 
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01-05-2013 at 9:09 PM
jkoulton
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I think when you get a month or so away from your due date is when you could start talking about being a big sister. I actually think this will be a really good time to let her know how important she is and how helpful she is going to be after the baby is born. I would definitely let her help and hold baby as often as possible. I think she'll feel really included and necessary! : ] 
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01-06-2013 at 3:46 AM
brenanigan...
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brenanigans is not online. Last active: 05-09-2013, 1:14 PMBronze
Thanks for the advice! I know this is a delicate situation, and I'll try my hardest to do what is best for her and keep things amicable between BM and I.
 
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01-06-2013 at 9:21 AM
Pearls+Oys...
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Do. Not. Get. Involved. Yet.

That's my piece of advice. Wait it out until the custody agreement, then wait a couple of weekends (or weeks, whatever he gets) and get to know that kid. Chances are, if you overwhelm her now with big sister stuff, her mother is going to catch wind of that, and make your life miserable. That wrench does not need to know and start implementing in her young daughter's brain that not only does Daddy not love her, but he's also replacing her soon with a brand new baby. People are twisted like that.

Trust me, I was that kid. My mother was always neutral, keeping her opinions to herself, but my grandparents apparently never heard of that concept.  
 
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01-06-2013 at 10:27 AM
brenanigan...
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brenanigans is not online. Last active: 05-09-2013, 1:14 PMBronze
I think that is sound advice. I will play it safe. let things happen when they happen.
 
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01-06-2013 at 4:53 PM
dande2129
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Kids are a lot more resilient than most adults make them out to be. 

Your best stance to take right now is to be supportive of your significant other as he fights for time with his daughter.  
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01-07-2013 at 1:31 PM
brittanist...
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My step son is 11.  We told him when I was around 6 weeks.  I am 16 weeks now, and he is still asking if I am sure I am having a baby.  It has been an adjustment for him.  He told his mom, and we have def. gotten slack about it. Step son is still adjusting and there has been some resentment I feel.  He even said that he is moving out if we have a girl.... But everything will work out.  We are trying to include him as much as we can at an appropriate level.  As for telling your SD, I would hold off like PP have said.  She is still very young, so you will be dealing with her mom more than her.  So I would wait.
 
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