wow - wanting to have a few HOURS of family bonding time after your baby is born is completely justified. I hope your DH can realize this before the baby is born. Those are going to be the first few moments of the three of you as a family. There is nothing wrong with wanting to keep them private.

If you're open to visitors later on that day, I'm sorry that he's being so stubborn about this. Definitely put it in your birth plan, but let your DH know that you're doing so and I hope he'll respect your wishes. 

I never got bonding time. This time unless something is wrong "again" nothing is stopping me from a few hours alone with our child. With our first I had an infection in the amniotic fluid and wasn't allowed in the urgent care ward unless my fever was gone. The first time I got to see my baby, besides on a cell phone picture, was 36+ hours after I gave birth! This time I want the whole thing, skin to skin, breast feeding, alone time. I sent my parents down right away to be with my Son because I had this irrational fear if he was left alone they would lose my baby or mix him up with someone else. I was pretty out of it from the drugs. No one is stopping me from this, not even my husband (he never would).

Any chance you can perhaps get a bit of counseling between now and when the baby is born? Your husband blatantly disregarding your wishes on this is downright disgusting. And you not being willing to bend at all to what is the norm for their family isn't exactly mature either. 

Do you really want your child's birth to be remembered as a time when there was a bunch of resentment? Sort it out now. Communicate and get help doing that if you can't do it with just the two of you.

 

Put it in the birth plan. Also, they ask you if you want to be listed (i forget the wording, it's early, lol) as a patient...you can always say no.  You can discuss it with your dr. before going into labor, and it can be the Dr's idea, if you know what i mean...

I agree with the person who suggested perhaps counseling, it seems like you just wanting a few hours is not too much to ask for. Sounds like a compromise to me already, you could be saying no visitors at the hospital at all, but you aren't. I don't get why he wants so many people there ASAP, doesn't he want the bonding?

Do you have the type of relationship where you could talk directly to your SIL(s) about it?  Not in a "going behind your DH's back" sort of way, but just saying something like "I just don't want you guys to be bored waiting around because I'm going to want a few hours to rest and bond before we let the flood gates open- but I'm really excited for you guys to meet the baby!".

Also, my hospital has a "Golden Hour" rule.  Granted it's only 1 hour, but that's sort of a minimum.  Here's info on it that you could show your DH to maybe get him to understand there are major benefits to giving you a little time. http://www.sanfordhealth.org/Stories/View/44a97e6f-d477-4c44-accb-915f52acfcc5

One last thing- I wouldn't stress it too much.  When the time comes it's craziness.  That "Golden Hour" I mentioned above went so fast, then we had family come in, they held the baby, then once they left, we had tons of quiet down time to just cuddle him.  And tbh, after that Golden Hour was up, I was very excited to show off my little guy to everyone.  The nurses will most likely ask YOU when YOU'RE ready to have visitors, so I wouldn't stress out about it too much at this point. 

Your hospital should be able to help you out. DD was born at night so we snuck my parents in for a quick peak right after I gave birth because they had been at the hospital ALL day anxiously waiting. It wasn't a big deal, kisses, a few pics, and then they went home. The hospital checked with me ahead of time about a visitors "schedule" which allowed me to leave visitors free to just come to my room whenever, have to call first, have to wait until a certain time, or the receptionist would call the room and I could say yes or no. With DD all our family was close by, she was our first, and the first grandchild on both sides, the first baby of all my cousins and DHs cousins etc so we had a ton of visitors constantly and I loved it. With DS we had moved 1800 miles away. Nobody visited the hospital except my mom and daughter the day after my csection. It was kind of depressing for me, but everyone is different. GL!

I think your husband is being unreasonable. There is no need for his family and friends to be there as soon as the baby is born, and there is nothing wrong with telling those people that they can stop by later in the day to say hi because you want time to bond. I would really sit your husband down and explain that this is something that is paramount to you, and you do not want to turn your delivery room into a circus. If he steps all over your wishes point out that this isn't about what he wants, it's about the three of you as a family, and you both have to come to a compromise together. 

I don't recommend sneaking around behind your husband's back, but if he still won't respect your need for a few hours with just the three of you, then let him know that you'll take it upon yourself to talk with the doctor and the nurses to not allow visitors for the first few hours (maybe not the best course of action, but some things you really have to stand up for). You're not telling him no guests, all you are asking is that you have time for yourselves before the guests arrive.

Good luck. 

I also agree with counseling.  If you are both unable to compromise on how to parent for the first few HOURS of this kids life, that does not bode well for the next 18 years!

Does your hubby understand what things are going to be like right after the baby comes out? 

 I get that he wants visitors but does he plan on letting your deliver the placenta first or maybe attempt breastfeeding without an audience?  What if you need stitches?  Make sure he understands that are some things that need to be dealt with before people start flooding the room to meet the baby. 

Also, have you taken any child birth classes? I feel like they really drive this point home. Good luck!

mishka29:

Does your hubby understand what things are going to be like right after the baby comes out? 

 I get that he wants visitors but does he plan on letting your deliver the placenta first or maybe attempt breastfeeding without an audience?  What if you need stitches?  Make sure he understands that are some things that need to be dealt with before people start flooding the room to meet the baby. 

Also, have you taken any child birth classes? I feel like they really drive this point home. Good luck!

These are great points. Just how quickly does he want you to entertain? I was obsessed with looking at my girls when they were born. If anyone other than DH had wanted a turn in those first few hours, they would have been really disappointed. If it does get overwhelming, the nurses can put a hold on visitors for you. In fact, mine noticed how frustrated I was getting once the visitors starting pouring in with my first that they stepped in and stopped the flow of people.

JSS1002:

I also agree with counseling.  If you are both unable to compromise on how to parent for the first few HOURS of this kids life, that does not bode well for the next 18 years!

Oh FFS. Disagreeing on one thing does not equal a lifetime of arguments over parenting decisions. Simmer down.  

It's a heated topic and both patents are allowed to feel passionate about their wants, but I agree with PPs that a compromise would be better than putting your foot down and doing it only your way. Plus I'll add that your H really has no idea what you're about to go through and the emotions he is going to have. He will probably want some time alone too. GL mama 

Does he know that you will probably be in stirrups with your crotch out for the world to see for a little while? I help DD and nursed for a few minutes, and then they took her and cleaned her up while the dr stitched me up. There is no way that I (or the nurses or doctors) were going to let someone in the room while my legs were up in the air.

I mean, does he actually know what it's like after labor? And after DH had that time to bond with DD, I wanted her back for a little while to myself.

Depending on how things go, you and DH will probably be to busy the first hour or so to go get visitors- the nurses will have to do their normal exams on LO, your dr will take care of you (delivering the placenta, stitches if you need them, etc), and then you'll want to feed LO and have some skin to skin time- and before you know it, hours may have passed. We only planned to have an hr of just us time, but it ended up being closer to 2 hrs (much to my mother's dismay) and we didnt even realize it. Have you tried explaining to your husband what all will be going on immediately after delivery? Explain to him that it's important for LO to bond with you first, skin to skin helps baby regulate their temp and important stuff like that, and you can't have skin to skin time with people wanting to hold the baby. If he just won't budge, let the nurses know that you want some time to yourselves, and maybe they can tell him policy says no visitors at first, or something like that.

JenS2203:

mishka29:

Does your hubby understand what things are going to be like right after the baby comes out? 

 I get that he wants visitors but does he plan on letting your deliver the placenta first or maybe attempt breastfeeding without an audience?  What if you need stitches?  Make sure he understands that are some things that need to be dealt with before people start flooding the room to meet the baby. 

Also, have you taken any child birth classes? I feel like they really drive this point home. Good luck!

These are great points. Just how quickly does he want you to entertain? I was obsessed with looking at my girls when they were born. If anyone other than DH had wanted a turn in those first few hours, they would have been really disappointed. If it does get overwhelming, the nurses can put a hold on visitors for you. In fact, mine noticed how frustrated I was getting once the visitors starting pouring in with my first that they stepped in and stopped the flow of people.

 

Thank you, this is the kind of helpful and SUPPORTIVE information I was hoping for, not some of the rude comments about my husband and me being bad parents for the next 18 years...shame on that person!

 Basically, we have not taken any birthing classes because unfortunately the budget is very tight, and while we realize this is important information, buying blankets, diapers and a crib were decided to be more important than the class. I have no idea how involved the nurses will be in monitoring visitors as I imagine they will be quite busy and because until 2 days ago we thought we were having a C-section and would likely get alone time while I was in recovery as opposed to having people trying to be all up in our business right away.  I'm just frustrated that I have expressed my concerns (being exhausted, BF, the possibility of complications, the need to bond with my first baby) and he's so excited to show his son off to the world that he forgets that I still have needs that need to be tended to in the time after he gets here. 

His sister who is the one expressing her desire to be there right away had a kid and she's always the first to tell me how tired I'm going to be, how much pain I may be in, and how everyone is going to want to be right up in our faces and it can be overwhelming, but she doesn't seem to see that she is trying to do the same thing. 

kerbear135:

Depending on how things go, you and DH will probably be to busy the first hour or so to go get visitors- the nurses will have to do their normal exams on LO, your dr will take care of you (delivering the placenta, stitches if you need them, etc), and then you'll want to feed LO and have some skin to skin time- and before you know it, hours may have passed. We only planned to have an hr of just us time, but it ended up being closer to 2 hrs (much to my mother's dismay) and we didnt even realize it. Have you tried explaining to your husband what all will be going on immediately after delivery? Explain to him that it's important for LO to bond with you first, skin to skin helps baby regulate their temp and important stuff like that, and you can't have skin to skin time with people wanting to hold the baby. If he just won't budge, let the nurses know that you want some time to yourselves, and maybe they can tell him policy says no visitors at first, or something like that.

This is true, not to mention that the nurses still need to monitor you too as well, AND you and LO are not their only patients. They have other patients in various states of laboring to deal with, and frankly I would think getting family is low on the totum pole of priority.  It is for me when I'm working(I'm a nurse in the ER). I'll get the medical stuff done first and if I remember afterward then I'll call up to security in the WR to let people back. Otherwise, it's up to the security up front to call me and ask if it's ok if ppl come back...and sometimes I say no...especially if the patient is not wanting them back. I don't work L and D but if my patient says "no" she doesn't feel up to visitors but a significant other says yes...well than too bad, my patient comes first and I go with her wishes, she needs to rest and heal.

LaLa Michelle:

 Basically, we have not taken any birthing classes because unfortunately the budget is very tight, and while we realize this is important information, buying blankets, diapers and a crib were decided to be more important than the class. I have no idea how involved the nurses will be in monitoring visitors as I imagine they will be quite busy and because until 2 days ago we thought we were having a C-section and would likely get alone time while I was in recovery as opposed to having people trying to be all up in our business right away.  I'm just frustrated that I have expressed my concerns (being exhausted, BF, the possibility of complications, the need to bond with my first baby) and he's so excited to show his son off to the world that he forgets that I still have needs that need to be tended to in the time after he gets here. 

. 

 

I know this is a little off topic, but check with the hospital where you plan on delivering. There was no charge for our birthing class at the time if we planned on delivering at that hospital.

 

GhostMonkey:

Any chance you can perhaps get a bit of counseling between now and when the baby is born? Your husband blatantly disregarding your wishes on this is downright disgusting. And you not being willing to bend at all to what is the norm for their family isn't exactly mature either. 

Do you really want your child's birth to be remembered as a time when there was a bunch of resentment? Sort it out now. Communicate and get help doing that if you can't do it with just the two of you.

 

All of this.

Though I don't really imagine that your husband is going to be all for couple's counseling, especially when he doesn't see anything wrong with his behavior....

JenS2203:

LaLa Michelle:

 Basically, we have not taken any birthing classes because unfortunately the budget is very tight, and while we realize this is important information, buying blankets, diapers and a crib were decided to be more important than the class. I have no idea how involved the nurses will be in monitoring visitors as I imagine they will be quite busy and because until 2 days ago we thought we were having a C-section and would likely get alone time while I was in recovery as opposed to having people trying to be all up in our business right away.  I'm just frustrated that I have expressed my concerns (being exhausted, BF, the possibility of complications, the need to bond with my first baby) and he's so excited to show his son off to the world that he forgets that I still have needs that need to be tended to in the time after he gets here. 

. 

 

I know this is a little off topic, but check with the hospital where you plan on delivering. There was no charge for our birthing class at the time if we planned on delivering at that hospital.

 

And this, too.

Not all birthing classes have a cost associated with them. Either way, it's worth looking into.  

I somewhat know the feeling, granted since my family won't be there till way after. MIL and SIL both want to be in the room during it all. I'm battling DH over him not wanting to be in the room. 

But it sounds like your going to have to say something about it. Try and see you view, you'll be so wore out that all you want is to rest. Have them remember what it was like to have a child, ask them what was the one thing they wanted to do after birth. If that doesn't work, then you may have deal with it another way and just put your foot down. 

I so feel your pain. I'm the same way don't want anyone for several hours after the birth. I so want to have a chance to bond with our child before anyone  gets a chance to see him.  DH says how it's not fair for his family not to be part of this.  I just told him not like that. I just want us to have time together and I'm sure I'm going to be a mess since last time I was there was when delivered our son who had passed.  

Dh and I got into an fight about this and I pretty much told him if he wants to be an ass remember that labor and delivery is about mother and child. Fathers don't have as much say as a mother does.  So if I tell the nurse no visitors than no visitors.  

dande2129:

GhostMonkey:

Any chance you can perhaps get a bit of counseling between now and when the baby is born? Your husband blatantly disregarding your wishes on this is downright disgusting. And you not being willing to bend at all to what is the norm for their family isn't exactly mature either. 

Do you really want your child's birth to be remembered as a time when there was a bunch of resentment? Sort it out now. Communicate and get help doing that if you can't do it with just the two of you.

 

All of this.

Though I don't really imagine that your husband is going to be all for couple's counseling, especially when he doesn't see anything wrong with his behavior....

x2

This sounds unreasonable to me. I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to crowds so I would absolutely NOT let a circus of people go in and out of our room right after the birth, truth is you both will likely be exhausted and need time to rest and recover before you are ready for visitors. It definitely sounds unreasonable for him to insist on everyone coming right away, remember YOU are the patient, not him, YOU have a right to have time to recover.

GhostMonkey:

Any chance you can perhaps get a bit of counseling between now and when the baby is born? Your husband blatantly disregarding your wishes on this is downright disgusting. And you not being willing to bend at all to what is the norm for their family isn't exactly mature either. 

Do you really want your child's birth to be remembered as a time when there was a bunch of resentment? Sort it out now. Communicate and get help doing that if you can't do it with just the two of you.

 

All of this was really my first thought. How can he be a "wonderful man" if he blatantly disregards your wishes, especially for something so important?

And regarding your question of how to inform hospital staff to allow no visitors: ask a nurse to help you use the bathroom/get changed, etc. Tell her the situation and that you want no information about you to be shared, not even that you're in the hospital. This will prevent them from calling to check on you. And make sure you explain that you want NO visitors that are not cleared by YOU, no matter what the hubs says. He's not having this baby--you are.

ANA6:

I somewhat know the feeling, granted since my family won't be there till way after. MIL and SIL both want to be in the room during it all. I'm battling DH over him not wanting to be in the room. 

But it sounds like your going to have to say something about it. Try and see you view, you'll be so wore out that all you want is to rest. Have them remember what it was like to have a child, ask them what was the one thing they wanted to do after birth. If that doesn't work, then you may have deal with it another way and just put your foot down. 

ANA6:

I somewhat know the feeling, granted since my family won't be there till way after. MIL and SIL both want to be in the room during it all. I'm battling DH over him not wanting to be in the room. 

But it sounds like your going to have to say something about it. Try and see you view, you'll be so wore out that all you want is to rest. Have them remember what it was like to have a child, ask them what was the one thing they wanted to do after birth. If that doesn't work, then you may have deal with it another way and just put your foot down. 

All of this is my situation too. DH wants to sit in the waiting room and have his mother (whom ive met twice) in the room with me instead. HAH!  I basically told him he dont ahve a choice in the matter and i will cuff him to the head of my bed if I have to LOL

I get that your husband is really excited and wants to show off his new baby to the world, but there's not a thing wrong with wanting some alone time before you get bombarded by family and friends. The nurses at the hospital where i delivered actually told us on a tour that they often come up with signals with the mothers to indicate that they need alone time or want visitors to leave, etc. Then, the nurses take over and come up with a reason to tell everyone to leave so they look like the bad guys instead of  you. This never came into play for us, but I would definitely talk to them when you get there. Try not to stress too much, you could always have the baby in the middle of the night like I did and it would be unlikely anyone would come until morning anyway.

Honestly it doesn't sound so much unreasonable as uninformed.  So much happens after the birth, like PP said, placenta, stitching, checking out the baby, clean up, etc.  Explain to your DH that a lot will be happening and you really want to make sure you have some skin-on-skin and BFing time during all the after-birth craziness, but once they move you and baby to post-partum and you're cleaned up a bit, you will be happy to have visitors. (this should be a couple hours)

If your SIL has had kids before, talk to her.  Remind her this is your first and you know there's a lot of craziness right afterwards and you would appreciate some time to recover before seeing her.  Enlist her help to explain to DH, hopefully this will help her feel "needed" and important.

My experience was my mom and sister came in after two hours, which was just about the time they were finished cleaning/stitching everything up. By that point I was super exhausted and happy to see people and show off DD.