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01-06-2013 at 3:52 AM
organicmom...
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Am I overreacting??

Hello Ladies,

 

I can't sleep tonight, i'm so annoyed with my significant other. While reviewing our cell phone bill charges I discovered that my fiance exchanged over 70 text messages in a period of two days (and called twice) a girl he recently became friend with on facebook. She's from his hometown and when I asked about her his response was 'she's a headcase and I don't talk to her'. It seems my cell bill tells a different story.

 

we've been together for years, we have a 7 year old son but since this pregnancy began I have found countless messages, calls and texts to other girls.

 

he says this isn't a big deal and he's done nothing wrong...I say that it's inappropriate and that it isn't that he's talking to other girls but lying about it and deleting his phone content (text msgs), taking his phone with him everywhere (including the bathroom) and changing his facebook password when we've always had an open phone/account policy.

 

I guess my question is do you think my hormones are making me extra sensitive? Is this behavior you would be ok with??? I'm so aggravated right now because I just wanted this pregnancy to be stress free and full of anticipation....instead I'm feeling sad that I made a second child with this guy.

 
01-06-2013 at 4:02 AM
brenanigan...
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Whoa! Red flag! It would be different if he didn't lie about it. This is so unfair to you and your baby. He should be focusing on you and his new child. I would sit down and talk to him about how hurtful that is and how it's not good for the baby. Ask him why he has to hide things. Sometimes, innocent conversation can turn into something deeper and become emotional cheating. Some men (and women) don't realize that is what they are doing. Maybe it's like a midlife crisis kind of thing? I would bring all of that up and if the behavior continues (and this is what I would do) I would probably seperate, but that may be extreme. I guess it depends on how incriminating everything is.

oh also there are those men who basically become jealous or feel left out during pregnancy, maybe he was feeling that way and started getting attention in other places? Anyways, sorry you are dealing with this, hopefully it was just a time of poor judgement.  :p

and no, I don't think you are overreacting.... 


 
01-06-2013 at 4:32 AM
meimsx
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Nope. It's inappropriate. 

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01-06-2013 at 5:57 AM
VASC
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Would not be appropriate in my house.

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01-06-2013 at 6:31 AM
Wack2
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I am so sorry you are going through this.. Not cool at all....

 


 
01-06-2013 at 6:32 AM
yeliza h
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You are not overreacting AT all.

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01-06-2013 at 6:35 AM
wcvsb3b5
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I definitely do not think you are overreacting. The fact that he's lying about it says he knows he shouldn't be doing whatever it is he is doing. If it wasn't inappropriate he wouldn't feel the need to lie about it.

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01-06-2013 at 7:32 AM
Bliss+Berr...
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No, you are not overreacting at all.  70 text messages in two days to another woman?  That shiit would not fly in my house.  Neither would all the secrecy and lying. If he's not physically cheating yet, he's probably pretty close.  I would confront him about it.  Maybe try marriage counseling if you feel it's worth it.  

I am sorry you are going through this now.   


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01-06-2013 at 7:43 AM
Jellybean9...
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Just the amount of constant contact with that girl alone is inappropriate and would make me livid. But the fact that he lied about it, deleted messages, refuses to allow you to see them, and changed FB passwords when apparently you guys had an open book policy is all MAJORLY MAJORLY WRONG.

Something is going on. I am so so so sorry but NONE of that points to innocence. You are not being out of line, and I wouldn't just let this go either. This is serious and it needs to be dealt with one way or another. I am SO sorry you're going through this.

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01-06-2013 at 7:45 AM
kristinrae...
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brenanigans:

Whoa! Red flag! It would be different if he didn't lie about it. This is so unfair to you and your baby. He should be focusing on you and his new child. I would sit down and talk to him about how hurtful that is and how it's not good for the baby. Ask him why he has to hide things. Sometimes, innocent conversation can turn into something deeper and become emotional cheating. Some men (and women) don't realize that is what they are doing. Maybe it's like a midlife crisis kind of thing? I would bring all of that up and if the behavior continues (and this is what I would do) I would probably seperate, but that may be extreme. I guess it depends on how incriminating everything is.

Yes

I agree with almost all of this.  I would literally be screaming mad right now.  I'm sorry you are stressed out right now.  ::hugs::


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01-06-2013 at 8:04 AM
Alicia0817
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Wack2:
I am so sorry you are going through this.. Not cool at all....nbsp;


So sorry you're going through this on top of he pregnancy hormones. Sounds like the problems I had wih my ex boyfriend. He didnt understand either that it wasn't the talking that was bothering me as much as the lying. My advice is to try and have a calm conversation about how the lying bothers you, and find out why he feels like he has to lie about it. Good luck!



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01-06-2013 at 8:30 AM
MrsRKJ
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Not OK at all, and no, you are NOT overreacting.  This is unacceptable behavior.  He's being secretive about it, and that's a major red flag.  How would he feel if you were doing the same thing with a guy you knew from HS?  He'd probably not be OK with it.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.  Time for a serious sit down talk.  Good Luck!


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01-06-2013 at 8:37 AM
TheyCalled...
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meimsx:
Nope. It's inappropriate.nbsp;


Ditto this. You are not being too sensitive at all.
 
01-06-2013 at 8:50 AM
brittbronk...
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70 text messages in 2 days ?! Don't think they are talking about the weather. This is terrible. Sorry you have to deal with this crap. Hope things get better for you.

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01-06-2013 at 9:07 AM
wcvsb3b5
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brittbronkowski:
70 text messages in 2 days ?! Don't think they are talking about the weather. This is terrible. Sorry you have to deal with this crap. Hope things get better for you.

This is a good point, too. I text a lot and if I count up all of my text messages to everyone over the course of two days it doesn't come close to 70!


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01-06-2013 at 9:14 AM
Pearls+Oys...
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My ex did this (I wasn't pregnant) and I changed the locks on all doors one evening because of the constant secrecy, the password changing and the phone content deleting, after a 4 yr relationship. I don't think you're overreacting at all, and I don't think it's an hormonal thing. He's acting like a jerk.

Then again, maybe you should try again and communicate with him that this is not tolerable and that you will not accept his behavior anymore. Let him know that you're open to a conversation about his feelings (is he feeling left out, or does he think that going behind your back is better that leaving - if he's even thinking about cheating). As PP stated, major red flag.

It sucks.  


 
01-06-2013 at 10:09 AM
dreadiemam...
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The red flag for me would be the lying.That's a sure sign of something shady.



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01-06-2013 at 10:12 AM
mrshall102...
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Ditto everyone else, it sounds suspicious to me. 

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01-06-2013 at 10:48 AM
Five_lette...
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dreadiemama:

The red flag for me would be the lying.That's a sure sign of something shady.


Agreed. If the texts and calls were innocent, he'd have been honest with you. 



 
01-06-2013 at 10:57 AM
dalzien
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You've gotten some really good advice here. The best thing to remember is that you and your baby need to be in a healthy, stable relationship. You need someone you can depend on, not someone where you are constantly second guessing what they are doing on their phone, computer, etc. I hope it all works out for you.
 
01-06-2013 at 11:02 AM
MommyLizzy
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This is almost exactly what happened in my first marriage...

The lying is a no go.

This is also why me and my husband have a joint fb, not that I don't trust him, but we don't have to worry or wonder. Especially since we both had cheating spouses in our previous marriages.

Lay down the law. I would demand he have no contact with her, delete her off Facebook. And you should be able to block her on his phone as well... Maybe I'm a little extreme, but you have 2 kids with this man and he needs to straighten up.


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01-06-2013 at 11:12 AM
Liz4444
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Five_letter:
dreadiemama:

The red flag for me would be the lying.That's a sure sign of something shady.


Agreed. If the texts and calls were innocent, he'd have been honest with you. 

I agree.  DH has a few best friends that are women and he has never lied about any of it. 


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01-06-2013 at 12:23 PM
Luckey4
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I'm so sorry you're dealing with his actions. Go to your cell phone carrier and see f you can get detailed text messages. I know some carriers can do that. 
 
01-06-2013 at 12:30 PM
wouldntitb...
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While I think the open account policy is fundamentally inappropriate, the fact is that you had that policy, presumably he was agreeable to it, and now he's changed his password and deleted content is fishy. 

When you discuss it try and do so calmly, stating that its the lie that makes you uncomfortable and raises red flags. Hopefully he's generally trustworthy enough and allowed to talk to people with vaginas without raining suspicion.  


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01-06-2013 at 12:42 PM
somerandom...
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This is definitely worrying. I'd recommend seeing if you can get him to go to a marital counselor to figure out what's going on and work though thus.

Best of luck
 
01-06-2013 at 12:55 PM
PrimRoseMa...
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No, not overreacting. Red flag. This would not fly in my house.

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01-06-2013 at 1:11 PM
nyki06
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I might be more conservative here but I wouldn't want my husband to be having that kind of a relationship with other women. It's not that I'm insecure but exchanging that many texts (even if he was being open with you about it) during that short of a period of time signifies a level of intimacy that wouldn't be ok with me. I think the fact that he is hiding things would raise a huge red flag that I would have huge problems with. You generally don't hide things unless you have something that you don't want people to see. I'm not saying that you should necessarily throw the relationship away after this long but maybe look into couples counseling where you could talk about this stuff in open way with a third party there to give their opinion. 

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01-06-2013 at 1:14 PM
QueSyrah
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You're not over reacting at all. He may not necessarily be cheating physically with this other woman, but his relationship with her has crossed a line.  It's a very slippery slope from friendship to emotional affair to sexual affair.

If he feels the need to hide it, he knows he is doing something wrong. Sorry you have to deal with this.


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01-06-2013 at 1:54 PM
bobbisbaki...
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It's unanimous, he's being shady as hell. Why don't you call this girl and make sure she knows he's in a serious relationship with the woman HE KNOCKED UP. Your man lied, and he'll do it again if he thinks he can get away with it. If you have anywhere to go, go there. Drop him, and tell him to start saving up for child support.
 
01-06-2013 at 6:07 PM
allydncr
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I agree with others that you are not overreacting at all. The number of messages is what would freak me out the most. I know that in the past (distant past) DH would sometimes talk to his ex and not tell me about it or lie about it... but then would tell me about it later or it would come up, and he would always say that he didn't want to tell me because he knew I'd be mad (which at that point I was, so he thought his point was proven). It took a while to really get it in his head that what bothered me was lying (or lying by omission). I would definitely let him know that you're having trouble trusting him due to his behavior. GL! 

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