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01-07-2013 at 10:24 AM
bellmama13
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bellmama13 is not online. Last active: 05-10-2013, 5:55 PMNewbie

Disabled husband worried about not being able to pitch in

So I read an article about what dads-to-be are worried about and how to help him, but this one wasn't on the list and it has me stumped about what to do.

 My hubby only has use of one hand, and he's really worried about not being able to pick up the baby by himself, change her, or feed her. We've been married for less than a year (baby's due date is our 1 year anniversary) and I can probably count on one hand the times I've had to help him with anything because of his disability. He's really self-sufficient and has learned to do just about everything one-handed. I told him that I have so much confidence in him and that if he can tie a tie with one hand, he can change a diaper. I think his concern is hurting the baby: dropping her, accidently hitting her with his disabled arm, etc.

 I myself have very little experience with caring for babies. Is all of this stuff really a two-hand operation? Should I be worried about letting him try to do it on his own? And what can I say or do to ease his mind about the whole thing? Anyone in my same shoes? Any advice?

 
01-07-2013 at 11:03 AM
missdelica
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I am more than positive that if he learned to do pretty much everything by himself with one hand he can learn to help with baby no problem.  He didn't learn to do these things over night and hes not going to learn to take care of a baby over night. It will take some time to adjust but everything will be fine.

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01-07-2013 at 11:09 AM
jason&trac...
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jason&tracie is online. Last active: 05-24-2013, 3:35 PMNewbie
My SIL is blind and only has use of one arm as well. While she is not the primary caregiver to her daughter, she has found ways to take care of her. When she gives her a bottle, she props her daughter up in her lap with a pillow or a boppy. She can't carry her due to mobility issues, but it sounds like your husband is more than capable of figuring out ways to make things work. Babies are resilient. Just encourage your H to try.
 
01-07-2013 at 11:31 AM
starting a...
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starting all over again is not online. Last active: 05-24-2013, 1:35 PMBronze
Don't you worry about a thing!! Your DH will know his limitations and what to do when the time comes. My DH can't walk properly due to fractured femure and shattered knee, but there are plenty of things he will be able to do and is going to be doing as much as possible. With your support he will be a pro within no time. Just look at all the things he's able to do now!

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01-07-2013 at 11:37 AM
stardust31...
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stardust317 is not online. Last active: 05-24-2013, 8:37 AMSilver
I think if he is basically selfsufficient, then he'll learn to do everything he needs to do to take care of the baby.
01-07-2013 at 11:45 AM
ggatlanta
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ggatlanta is not online. Last active: 04-23-2013, 9:25 AMBronze

First I'd reassure him that he'd be just as worried even if he had two hands. Despite my DH's having no physical problems, he is completely freaked about just holding the baby - "what if I drop her, what if I'm too rough with her, what if I just don't know how to hold her in the first place" etc. Once she comes, I know there will be more fear and I know there will be a learning curve, but he'll learn to do it, and I trust him to tell me when he really needs help. I'm sure you feel the same with your DH.

Be confident for him just like you are in regular life; you know he can do it, he just has to see for himself. I'm betting the fear that he can't do it would be the exact same with or without any physical limitations.


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01-07-2013 at 11:59 AM
+adamwife+
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+adamwife+ is not online. Last active: 05-24-2013, 3:04 PMSilver

Tell him that if this mom can do it without any arms, he can do it in his situation.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1Fiyh_MdrQ

01-07-2013 at 12:07 PM
krissywave
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I can't speak from 1st hand experience.  But if is able to do things for himself now means he taught himself how to do it.  I would say I bet he would just have to teach himself how to do this.  Have faith in him.  Might take a few times but he will be fine.  

April 10 IUI BFN Sept 10 IUI BRN Feb 11 IVF hoping for a BFP! Feb 27 ER 28 eggs Mar 4 8 health eggs, 2 ET Mar 17 - Beta 180!! BFP!!! Mar 21 - Beta 1295!! holy cow what a jump Coming soon 1st Sono March 30!!! Crossing fingers for healthy stick bean(s) Mar 29 miscarry :( 6w 3d 2nd IVF July 2011 BFP July 2011 M/C 11/11/11 hate to say good bye again! Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers 3rd IVF 4/3/12 ER 46 eggs (holly cow batman) 40 mature, 36 fertilized 4/8/12 ET 2 AB put back 4/10/12 15 make it to FREEZE 4/22/12 Beta BFN 1st FET 6/7/12 Day we are going to put back 2. 6/21/12 BFP 1285 6/25/12 4780 I hope this time they stick!! Deaglan William welcome. My rainbow is finally here February 7, 2013  
01-07-2013 at 12:45 PM
bellmama13
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bellmama13 is not online. Last active: 05-10-2013, 5:55 PMNewbie
Thanks for everyone's encouragement and positive words! I have no doubt that hubs is going to do great! He is very determined, so I'm sure he'll have techniques down in no time to change, feed, and hold her. I can't wait to be a first time mommy, but I'm almost more excited to see him be a dad. :)
 
01-07-2013 at 12:56 PM
bellmama13
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bellmama13 is not online. Last active: 05-10-2013, 5:55 PMNewbie
+adamwife+:

Tell him that if this mom can do it without any arms, he can do it in his situation.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1Fiyh_MdrQ

 

That is incredible! I'm going to show that to him! 

 
01-07-2013 at 12:59 PM
SailorXO
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SailorXO is not online. Last active: 02-24-2013, 9:53 PMNewbie

My husband recently became a paraplegic 6 months ago, so I'm hearing you loud n clear. He suffered a t8 burst and now is paralyzed from his chest down. Throughout this pregnancy he's either been in a rehab hospital or home working hard to get back to a "normal life". It's been a serious struggle for both of us now that he will be in a wheelchair for the rest of his life.

We talk almost everyday about his feelings on inadequacy. He feels that he won't be able to do anything for our baby girl when she's born. The way to get around that is to BE A TEAM! The thing that's helped both of us through this hard time is figuring out how to make it work. This is going to sound funny, but I bought a medium size watermelon and he carries it around to learn what he can and isn't so great at doing yet. Similar to in high school, in home ec when you had to take care of an uncooked egg for a week haha. We also adapted all of baby's furniture. So it's easier for him to get inside the crib.

So, support and give responsibility. It's the only way he will gain his self esteem back.  It'll be easy just to do it all, but that won't last. You gotta remember he wants to do it, even though he thinks he can't. So make him, your relationship will only grow because of it.  Hope that helped! 

 
01-07-2013 at 1:56 PM
bellmama13
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bellmama13 is not online. Last active: 05-10-2013, 5:55 PMNewbie
SailorXO:

My husband recently became a paraplegic 6 months ago, so I'm hearing you loud n clear. He suffered a t8 burst and now is paralyzed from his chest down. Throughout this pregnancy he's either been in a rehab hospital or home working hard to get back to a "normal life". It's been a serious struggle for both of us now that he will be in a wheelchair for the rest of his life.

We talk almost everyday about his feelings on inadequacy. He feels that he won't be able to do anything for our baby girl when she's born. The way to get around that is to BE A TEAM! The thing that's helped both of us through this hard time is figuring out how to make it work. This is going to sound funny, but I bought a medium size watermelon and he carries it around to learn what he can and isn't so great at doing yet. Similar to in high school, in home ec when you had to take care of an uncooked egg for a week haha. We also adapted all of baby's furniture. So it's easier for him to get inside the crib.

So, support and give responsibility. It's the only way he will gain his self esteem back.  It'll be easy just to do it all, but that won't last. You gotta remember he wants to do it, even though he thinks he can't. So make him, your relationship will only grow because of it.  Hope that helped! 

Wow! I am so inspired by your story and I'll be praying for you and your husband as you make adjustments to your new life with baby and your husband's new challenges.

I have no doubt that raising a baby will be a team effort like everything else has been so far in our marriage. I'm so hopeful that hubs is going to do great with our new bundle of joy and I'll be sure to keep encouraging him to push himself further.

 God bless you, your husband, and your newest family member! 

 
01-07-2013 at 11:19 PM
KateLouise
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KateLouise is not online. Last active: 05-24-2013, 2:13 AMGold

I have two fully functioning arms, and I struggle frequently to wrangle my super wriggly 11mth old baby at nappy changes. But you find your own way of making it work, even if the solution is letting her have a naked bottom for a while ;-)

Maybe a safety sleep on the change table would allow him more confidence that she won't roll off. Maybe a ring sling would allow him to carry baby and still have his arm free.

The great thing is that whilst they seem so tiny, babies really are very robust, and they're so stationary to begin with that he'll be able to find different techniques that work for him.

Good luck to your both, and congratulations on your upcoming LO. 


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01-08-2013 at 7:48 AM
kalyth76
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kalyth76 is not online. Last active: 05-24-2013, 10:15 AMNewbie

Growing up, my father was blind and ended up being a stay-at-home dad while my mother worked. As young kids, my sister and I knew that he had limitations and didn't do things the way my mother or other kids' fathers did them. However, he created systems for getting things done in his own way. As a result, simple things like cooking meals for us and making sure we were clean and dressed may have taken a little longer than if he could see, however, it got done. The one thing my mother did that he always appreciated was to never jump in while he was attempting something (as long as nothing got dangerous, of course) and never comment on how long it took for something to get done. We all acted as if his way was the normal way...And eventually, it did become the normal way.

Your husband may have to create some different ways of doing things, for example, maybe having diapering stations setup so that its easier for him to navigate. But, at the end of the day, his desire to help and his love for his daughter will come through larger than anything.

My dad has since passed away a few years ago, but I have such fond memories of everything he did for us as children. I also appreciate the challenges in day-to-day operations that he faced on our behalf. Its given me a perspective on challenge and disability that I know I'd never have if he'd been sighted.

Kate

 
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