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01-08-2013 at 1:04 PM
cbelstra
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Joined on 01-08-2013
102 Points
cbelstra is not online. Last active: 05-15-2013, 9:56 PMNewbie

Hurting for BBF..I'm preggo..she's not..what to say?

I am 33 weeks along and this is our 1st baby and was conceived on the first try.  I  am undoubtedly lucky.  My BBF on the other hand has been trying for the same amount of time and no luck.  Her and her hubby have tried countless conventional and non-conventional methods and now are on the path to IUI and IVF.  They are understandably emotionally, mentally, and physically drained.  My friend also has OCD which plays with her emotions all the more.  We talk on the phone every couple weeks and I am torn.  I feel guilt for feeling excited about our baby when I put myself into her shoes.  I sit and listen to her for hours, but many times I'm at a loss in how to comfort her.  I don't know what to say to her to try to keep her spirits up without giving her a false sense of hope.  I can only imagine she can only hear "maybe next month it will work" so many times.  I also find myself keeping happy experiences from my preg from her because I don't want to make her more depressed.  How or what can I say to convey to her I care and support her without hiding my own excitement for my baby? 

 
01-08-2013 at 1:11 PM
Scoop77
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Joined on 08-10-2011
10,257 Points
Scoop77 is not online. Last active: 05-16-2013, 10:48 PMBronze

You're a good friend to care about her so much. If you want to continue to support her, as it seems you do, then perhaps talk to her about your concerns. Ask her to tell you when things you share bother her, and ask if there's anything you can do to make the situation less stressful for her. Some women don't want their friends/family to refrain from sharing. Others find it extremely painful to hear about certain aspects, but are OK with others. And still other infertile women would like to avoid discussing what is a traumatic topic for them entirely.

I would remind you of this: You have tons of people to talk to about how excited you are for the birth of your baby, and to go over every detail of the pregnancy, birth and afterward. She likely has very few people, if any, who can understand or empathize with what she's going through. It's fantastic that you are trying to keep her feelings in mind, and I'm sure that even though she's going through a hardship, she will appreciate your support one day (if not now).



TTC #1 for about 3.5 years
ME: 37, PCO, immune issues?, teflon uterus (my added diagnosis)
HIM: 38, Perfect. (Showoff.)
Month before starting Clomid, spontaneous pregnancy. m/c at 7 weeks and D&C.
Four months of Clomid, one IUI, with Intralipid each cycle: BFNs all
IVF 1.0 July 2012 -- Lupron, bravelle, menopur, estrogen, progesterone supps, intralipid. 14 ER, 14 fertilized, 1 blast transferred, 2 on ice. BFN
FET 1.1 -- 10/2, transferred our 2 blasts. Lupron, PIO, estrogen, baby aspirin, prednisone. BFN.
IVF 2.0 December 2012 -- Bravelle, Menopur, Ganirelix, Prednisone, Metformin, estrogen, progesterone supps. 22 eggs retrieved on 12/14, 17 mature, 15 fertilized. OHSS anticipated so ET cancelled. 3 embryos frozen.
Broke up with old RE. Moving on to new dude. Maybe the change of scenery will be just the trick for our frosties. On BCPs for possible April FET.

P/SAIF welcome 
01-08-2013 at 1:27 PM
Crystal120...
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Joined on 04-24-2011
29,826 Points
Crystal120410 is not online. Last active: 05-20-2013, 9:13 AMBronze

Heres a poem I found the other day...

I promise not to give you unsolicited advice about conceiving. I know you are relaxing. That stress isn’t the problem and a vacation isn’t the answer. I’m also very aware that how it finally worked for me (or my cousin or my neighbor or my grandma’s friend’s great-niece) probably isn’t the cure for you. I’ll never assume I have the answer to your prayers…I promise.

I promise not to complain about my kids in front of you. We all know that raising children is challenging. I’m also aware you’d give your left arm to be knee deep in messy diapers and snotty noses. There’ll be no child-related venting to you…I promise.

I promise to include you in our family related activities and understand when you decline. I know you love my family. I also understand being around little ones can be hard for you right now. I’ll be sad that you’re not there, so I’ll continue to pray fervently for your miracle…I promise.

Most importantly, I promise to be here when you need me. I’ll listen empathetically and squeeze your hand for encouragement. Lean on me when you need to—my shoulders will hold you up and my love for you will catch your tears. I’ll walk through this with you, admiring your bravery every step of the way…I promise.


Married 9-10-11
Together 6 years before marriage
Me 26 DH 28
TTC since 9/2011
Dx endo 2007 Sx laparoscopy
End bcp 9/2011
Dx annovulatory, DOR, Low AMH
Hysteroscopy due to polyp 2-1-12
IUI#1-3 Cancelled due to low response
IUI#4 BFFN
IVF#1 8/30 Beta#1 256, 8/31 Beta#2 482 BFP!! M/C 5w3d
FET#1 Cancelled due to uterine fluid and thin lining
FET#1.2Cancelled due to abnormal bleeding
Hysteroscopy 12/28/12 All clear
FET#1.3 2/2013 Cancelled
FET #1.4 3/19 BFFN
Good Luck to All!!
Crystal
Image and video hosting by TinyPicImage and video hosting by TinyPic Daisypath Anniversary tickers
 
01-08-2013 at 1:44 PM
firesiren
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Joined on 09-17-2011
19,703 Points
firesiren is online. Last active: 05-20-2013, 10:54 AMBronze
Crystal120410:

Heres a poem I found the other day...

I promise not to give you unsolicited advice about conceiving. I know you are relaxing. That stress isn’t the problem and a vacation isn’t the answer. I’m also very aware that how it finally worked for me (or my cousin or my neighbor or my grandma’s friend’s great-niece) probably isn’t the cure for you. I’ll never assume I have the answer to your prayers…I promise.

I promise not to complain about my kids in front of you. We all know that raising children is challenging. I’m also aware you’d give your left arm to be knee deep in messy diapers and snotty noses. There’ll be no child-related venting to you…I promise.

I promise to include you in our family related activities and understand when you decline. I know you love my family. I also understand being around little ones can be hard for you right now. I’ll be sad that you’re not there, so I’ll continue to pray fervently for your miracle…I promise.

Most importantly, I promise to be here when you need me. I’ll listen empathetically and squeeze your hand for encouragement. Lean on me when you need to—my shoulders will hold you up and my love for you will catch your tears. I’ll walk through this with you, admiring your bravery every step of the way…I promise.

This is great! I can tell you what not to say. Don't say her time will come because it may not. Many people try to "help" by telling us not to waste our money and to adopt... These things hurt.  It's sweet of you to think of her :)


Me; 35 DH 32 TTC for over 2 years First mini-IVF Sept 2011... Only 1 egg! ... BFN Switching RE IVF#2 May 2012 9 eggs and only 2 sperm, WTH! BFN IVF#3 Chemical... FML. 2 frosties. SAIF/PAIF ALWAYS WELCOME!!!!!
My Idle Oven Blog!
*~God gives his hardest battles to his toughest solders. Unknown.
 
01-08-2013 at 6:07 PM
cbelstra
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Joined on 01-08-2013
102 Points
cbelstra is not online. Last active: 05-15-2013, 9:56 PMNewbie
I just want to say "Thank You ladies!" for responding and being very candid in letting me know how you feel on the topic.  I figured the best women to ask about this issue would be women who know all too well the feelings involved.  I can try to imagine how I would feel, but I can't and that I why I turned to you.  The poem was lovely...thank you Crystal for posting it.  I sent that poem to my best friend and she e-mailed me back and said she was so touched she almost started crying. :)  I wish only the best for all of you women and pray that fate brings ten fingers and toes to all of you.    
 
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