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01-08-2013 at 3:01 PM
MrsRCP
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What to do when parents are separated?

So nearly 2 years ago, my mom left my father.  He was not a nice man, and I think she made the right decision.  I have never been close to my dad, but up until recently I stayed in contact with him.  Some things happened over Thanksgiving that changed that.  I haven't spoken to him since.  (I have a question, and I promise I'm getting to it.)

I haven't seen anyone on his side of the family in over a year, my grandmother included. Neither them nor I have made an effort to stay in touch. 

Some ladies at the church my husband and I attend have offered to throw me a shower (This is the church my mom goes to, and my dad attended pre-split). I gave them my list of who I wanted to invite.  My father's family was not included in that list.  Some people have said that I need to invite them because this child is going to be part of their family, too; not just my mom's side.  

My grandmother (dad's mom) and my mom, have never gotten along, and since the separation, needless to say it has gotten worse.  I don't want my mom to have to deal with it, and I especially don't want to have to deal with it myself.   Should I invite them anyway simply because the baby is related to them? Sorry this is long.
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01-08-2013 at 3:03 PM
5LittleBea...
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I personally do not think in any way you are obligated to invite them.
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01-08-2013 at 3:08 PM
foxyroxy
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Don't invite them. It is a baby shower, not a peace summit. If you want to keep the lines of communication open in the future, rock on with your bad self. But enjoy your party, for heaven's sake.
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01-08-2013 at 3:10 PM
Estwd2
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I think the ladies at your church need to mind their own business. How completely inappropriate of them to say that! You don't NEED to have anyone involved in your child's life just because you are related to them and you certainly do not have to invite them to your shower. Ridiculous.
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01-08-2013 at 3:10 PM
EastCoastB...
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No, I wouldn't invite them.

Showers are NOT "be all important events" where distant (distance and emotional!) family should be invited.  It's not a wedding (and heck, even if it was, i'd probably be saying the same thing!).

These people aren't a part of your life.  This is a gift giving event.  If you want to make any overtures to try and start to be involved w/ them, do it outside of this shower.  Don't make the shower the olive branch. 

Showers are supposed to be about the people you are close to in life, who want to support you and your new baby.  

"Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~Benjamin Franklin

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01-08-2013 at 3:11 PM
EastCoastB...
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foxyroxy:
It is a baby shower, not a peace summit.
Lol.  This is perfect! 
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01-08-2013 at 3:13 PM
MrsRCP
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EastCoastBride:

Showers are supposed to be about the people you are close to in life, who want to support you and your new baby.  

This is exactly how I feel. Thank you for reiterating that!
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01-08-2013 at 3:14 PM
ggatlanta
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Your call. There is nothing inherently rude about not including even an entire branch of the family when you are not close / not in contact / do not have a relationship with them.

Sounds like a bummer of a situation. Sorry you have to deal with that. Most likely your baby shower isn't the right place to try to re-establish a relationship anyway...

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01-08-2013 at 3:30 PM
1026pumpki...
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Estwd2:
I think the ladies at your church need to mind their own business. How completely inappropriate of them to say that! You don't NEED to have anyone involved in your child's life just because you are related to them and you certainly do not have to invite them to your shower. Ridiculous.

This!  And if you do decide to extend an olive branch, a shower isn't the best place to do that. 
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01-08-2013 at 3:42 PM
PrimRoseMa...
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Invite the people who you want to share the special event with. That other side of the family made no effort to include you so far. So, I don't see how you are obligated to invite them. Personally, I would not.
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01-08-2013 at 4:28 PM
Spacebunny...
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Ditto everyone else, but with this caveat:

If there is anyone YOU would regret not having at your shower, YOU choose to include them.

From my own experience I wish I could turn back the clock and include my mother in law.  At the time, DH had no contact with her so it made sense, but now she is close to us and we're having kid #2 (no shower) and so that's something she'll never get to be a part of: a grandchild's shower.  And that makes me sad.  (DH isn't an only but nobody is holding their breath for younger brother to marry or procreate.)  

 
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01-08-2013 at 10:00 PM
rhubarb123
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I am with the others.  It is not essential to invite them to your shower.  If they want to attend a shower then they can host one.  The ladies at your church have definitely overstepped the bounds.  I would ignore what they want and invite who YOU want.  Being invited to a baby shower has nothing to do with the fact that the baby will be related to them.  Like I said...if they think they need to be invited to a shower then that side of  your family needs to host one.
 
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01-08-2013 at 11:21 PM
LaineyPane...
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If they don't enrich your life, they won't enrich your shower.
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01-09-2013 at 8:17 AM
526SadieSa...
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5LittleBears:
I personally do not think in any way you are obligated to invite them.

I agree with this.  It's not just you shutting them out if they haven't made any effort to contact you, either.  I wouldn't feel obligated.

Most of the time in these situations, I say that the people who don't get along need to suck it up and fake it for the day, a wedding/shower/other shared family event is about the guest of honor, not about who did what to whom.  In this instance though, since they've effectively cut you off as well, I don't think you should feel any guilt or obligation towards them.
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01-09-2013 at 10:12 AM
JNCPro3130
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I have sort of the same situation.  I'm not pregnant... yet, but when I am I will go through this too.  My mom and dad had a nasty divorce.  If anyone asks why they aren't invited to the shower, I will be honest and tell them that they don't get along with one another and for the sake of it being a pleasant event without any weirdness to it, I am planning on keeping the guest list for the side of the family that is planning it.

 Just my thought!  Good luck! 
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