abell77:

I think maybe you have negative associations with the word coach, so try to let go of that specific word for now. nbsp;Your husband does not need to, nor should he "give commands" during labor. nbsp;That's not what a labor coach, or support person, is about. nbsp;Sure, a doula may have more personal experience with childbirth but you will not have the kind of bond you have with your husband with anyone else. nbsp;If you don't think that your husband will commit to preparing for his role in helping to support you during labor then that is a legitimate concern, but I wouldn't automatically rule him out just because he has never experienced a laboring woman before. nbsp;The two of you will be parenting this child together, and it can be an incredibly meaningful experience for you both for him to play an active role in helping you through labor. nbsp;If he is on board with preparing for his role, I would encourage you to reconsider your hesitations. nbsp;Good Luck. nbsp; nbsp;

In my experience anyway, the medical personnel present when I was delivering didn't want DH doing anything but encouraging me and holding my leg.  Any instructions I got were from the nurse or the midwife.  The only time DH stepped in was when he could see I needed a break and they weren't listening to me.

But honestly I think anything beyond a super basic birth plan is a waste of time.  You don't know what's going to happen or how you'll react until you're actually doing it.  When you're dilating or pushing, no one is stopping to consult a sheet of paper about what you want.  Just speak up.  And be sure your DH is going to back you up.  That's all you really need.

My husband's role will be to stand with his back to my feet, facing me. I'll be glad if he doesn't faint (there are bets about this in his family). If all goes well, he can:

- Say sweet things to me

- Give me wet cloths (not sure why, but rumor has it they are necessary during delivery)

- Change the music on the iPod when I order him to

- Crack silly jokes 

For all instructions and 'push, push' stuff, I count upon my midwife/nurse. 

Kimbus22:

In my experience anyway, the medical personnel present when I was delivering didn't want DH doing anything but encouraging me and holding my leg.  Any instructions I got were from the nurse or the midwife.  The only time DH stepped in was when he could see I needed a break and they weren't listening to me.

But honestly I think anything beyond a super basic birth plan is a waste of time.  You don't know what's going to happen or how you'll react until you're actually doing it.  When you're dilating or pushing, no one is stopping to consult a sheet of paper about what you want.  Just speak up.  And be sure your DH is going to back you up.  That's all you really need.

This. I found with DD that a lot of what they taught in the prenatal classes actually went out the window...I didn't really feel like doing the funky breathing we'd practiced and would have been annoyed if we'd had such a specific birth plan in place that my husband then would feel like he had to try to stick to it.  In the end he was just really good at listening to me, anticipating my needs and helping me to relax by talking, rubbing my back, and just being there as loving support. He didn't have to 'coach' me in anything, it was the nurses and doctor who instructed me on best pushing techniques and what exactly to do when, and even getting firm with me when/if needed - they were the real 'coaches'. My husband was my partner in the birth as in life, and that was special in itself.

Elinetrouwt:

My husband's role will be to stand with his back to my feet, facing me. I'll be glad if he doesn't faint (there are bets about this in his family). If all goes well, he can:

- Say sweet things to me

- Give me wet cloths (not sure why, but rumor has it they are necessary during delivery)

- Change the music on the iPod when I order him to

- Crack silly jokes 

For all instructions and 'push, push' stuff, I count upon my midwife/nurse. 

My husband's role will be pretty much the same... which is why I'm going to use a doula.  While I'd love for him to be able to coach the way all the books say he should, I know that that's just not realistic for us.

DH seems okay about it - especially after I explained that this way he wouldn't be 100% responsible for getting me through the emotional part, and that he'd be able to have breaks (so that when he IS with me, he's not exhausted, or thinking about food, or whatever).

My husband isn't an expert in birth, nor does he want to be, so we hired a doula last time. We'll get her again this time.

Coaching is not about giving commands. It's about giving support. I had back labour last time and needed hip compressions every contraction for about 5 hours. DH did a bunch, the doula did a bunch. They helped me a ton. Less critical if you just want an epidural, but I wanted to go (and did) med-free.

Making your birth plan this early in your first pregnancy is very ambitious, but I doubt you really know what you want yet. Your feelings will evolve over the next few months as you grow a baby and learn about what birth really entails. 

I totally disagree about the birth plan being a set-up for failure, though, and get tired of being told to just expect nothing and do what the nurse says. Ew. No one held my legs or told me how to push.

LoisLane23:

No, because even though I am the one pregnant, my husband is just as much a contributor to this child as I am. I understand wanting another support person, but your husband is not a spectator.

This. Also, keep in mind that there aren't always a half dozen nurses at your beck and call. It was only DH, me, and a nurse most of the time I was in labor. DH had to hold my other leg while I pushed frequently. You don't know what is going to happen until it does. Overplanning will do nothing but stress you out and cause unnecessary tension.

Kimbus22:

In my experience anyway, the medical personnel present when I was delivering didn't want DH doing anything but encouraging me and holding my leg.  Any instructions I got were from the nurse or the midwife.  The only time DH stepped in was when he could see I needed a break and they weren't listening to me.

But honestly I think anything beyond a super basic birth plan is a waste of time.  You don't know what's going to happen or how you'll react until you're actually doing it.  When you're dilating or pushing, no one is stopping to consult a sheet of paper about what you want.  Just speak up.  And be sure your DH is going to back you up.  That's all you really need.

Agree.

Some like to plan though. The super-planners get really into the birth plans.  

tokenhoser:

My husband isn't an expert in birth, nor does he want to be, so we hired a doula last time. We'll get her again this time.

Coaching is not about giving commands. It's about giving support. I had back labour last time and needed hip compressions every contraction for about 5 hours. DH did a bunch, the doula did a bunch. They helped me a ton. Less critical if you just want an epidural, but I wanted to go (and did) med-free.

Making your birth plan this early in your first pregnancy is very ambitious, but I doubt you really know what you want yet. Your feelings will evolve over the next few months as you grow a baby and learn about what birth really entails. 

I totally disagree about the birth plan being a set-up for failure, though, and get tired of being told to just expect nothing and do what the nurse says. Ew. No one held my legs or told me how to push.

I agree with this, especially if your goal is to go med free. It sounds like you've already started a dialogue with your husband, which is great.  

LoisLane23:

No, because even though I am the one pregnant, my husband is just as much a contributor to this child as I am. I understand wanting another support person, but your husband is not a spectator.

Give him a chance, you may be surprised at how well he does. There's nothing wrong with having a doula, either. 

My husband was my rock during my second labor. He advocated for me, he massaged my lower back for hours, he worked nearly as hard as I did in that labor. He's not a doctor or anything, he's never been through labor but that didn't mean he wasn't a huge part of my success in a med free labor.

We had a doula but she was very late, didn't show up until I was well into active labor.

I know I keep posting this, but check out a Birth Partners Guide 

 http://www.amazon.com/Birth-Partner-Third-Childbirth-Companions/dp/1558323570

even if you are planning on a medicated labor, I got a lot of information that I didn't know, even having gone through it onCE before. 

I agree with PP who said you need to let go of the word "coach".  Your husband is there for support.  With Li, my husband held my hand during labor, put on music, and held my leg during delivery.  The Dr and resident told me when and how to push, that is their job.  Don't push him to the side just because he's never done this before (I'm guessing most of our spouses haven't, even if you have previous children, they aren't exactly experts), it's not his job to tell you what to do and deliver the baby. 

If you are dead set on the word coach, think of it as a mental coach, not a physical coach.

Melanieian:

Why does anyone need a plan or a "coach"? I don't get that. Giving birth is natural and your body tells you want you need to do. You have a nurse and doctor there so why you would want anyone else there telling you want to do makes no sense to me. I understand support but that is what my DH and mom are for.

Because it doesn't come natural to everyone. And for the intent of the word, your DH and Mom are your coaches. It's never meant someone to boss you around.

 Pooping is natural but how many women here are so stopped up they are taking something to help? Giving birth may be natural, but going in blind, uneducated and without support is setting "you " up for failure.

Melanieian:

Why does anyone need a plan or a "coach"? I don't get that. Giving birth is natural and your body tells you want you need to do. You have a nurse and doctor there so why you would want anyone else there telling you want to do makes no sense to me. I understand support but that is what my DH and mom are for.

A doula can be great support for someone. And to just say that your body tells you what you need to do is simply false for all women. Ideally, yes, that is what would happen. But, unfortunately, things happen that can change someone's laboring from "natural" to not very quickly.

Melanieian:

Why does anyone need a plan or a "coach"? I don't get that. Giving birth is natural and your body tells you want you need to do. You have a nurse and doctor there so why you would want anyone else there telling you want to do makes no sense to me. I understand support but that is what my DH and mom are for.

But what about the cases where the doctor is more interested in making the birth more convenient for him/her?  Unnecessary interventions are at all times high. Some people want someone there who understands medical jargon enough to be able to interfere and stop an unnecessary intervention. I have so many friends who have been told they can't do total normal things that help labor along, and that's just ridiculous. We're at a point where a woman has to be able to advocate for herself and that's not always an easy thing to do while in labor. 

Soleil3:

Melanieian:

Why does anyone need a plan or a "coach"? I don't get that. Giving birth is natural and your body tells you want you need to do. You have a nurse and doctor there so why you would want anyone else there telling you want to do makes no sense to me. I understand support but that is what my DH and mom are for.

Because it doesn't come natural to everyone. And for the intent of the word, your DH and Mom are your coaches. It's never meant someone to boss you around.

 Pooping is natural but how many women here are so stopped up they are taking something to help? Giving birth may be natural, but going in blind, uneducated and without support is setting "you " up for failure.

But the doctor and nurses are there and that is their job. And this is my third pregnancy and I have never had anything more than doctor, nurse, mom and DH with me and their was no failure, nor am I uneducated.

mabenner1:

Melanieian:

Why does anyone need a plan or a "coach"? I don't get that. Giving birth is natural and your body tells you want you need to do. You have a nurse and doctor there so why you would want anyone else there telling you want to do makes no sense to me. I understand support but that is what my DH and mom are for.

A doula can be great support for someone. And to just say that your body tells you what you need to do is simply false for all women. Ideally, yes, that is what would happen. But, unfortunately, things happen that can change someone's laboring from "natural" to not very quickly.

You are paying a stranger to be a support to you. I could understand if you had no one else but I don't get paying for a coach. And as far as changing the labor, the doula would not do that the doctor would.

BelhurstBride:

Melanieian:

Why does anyone need a plan or a "coach"? I don't get that. Giving birth is natural and your body tells you want you need to do. You have a nurse and doctor there so why you would want anyone else there telling you want to do makes no sense to me. I understand support but that is what my DH and mom are for.

But what about the cases where the doctor is more interested in making the birth more convenient for him/her?  Unnecessary interventions are at all times high. Some people want someone there who understands medical jargon enough to be able to interfere and stop an unnecessary intervention. I have so many friends who have been told they can't do total normal things that help labor along, and that's just ridiculous. We're at a point where a woman has to be able to advocate for herself and that's not always an easy thing to do while in labor. 

That is why picking your OB is such an important part. No one wants an OB who doesn't care and just wants it to be done. That is why researching your OB is so important and having your DH in there with you should be all the support and advocatcy you need! Sorry I will never agree with paying someone to come in with me while I have labor. That is just gross and wierd.

mabenner1:

LoisLane23:

No, because even though I am the one pregnant, my husband is just as much a contributor to this child as I am. I understand wanting another support person, but your husband is not a spectator.

This. Also, keep in mind that there aren't always a half dozen nurses at your beck and call. It was only DH, me, and a nurse most of the time I was in labor. DH had to hold my other leg while I pushed frequently. You don't know what is going to happen until it does. Overplanning will do nothing but stress you out and cause unnecessary tension.

Uh, yeah.

 Your DH doesn't have to do anything other than pat your hair if you want him to. It's not like he's got a whistle and can call fouls.

Melanieian:

BelhurstBride:

Melanieian:

Why does anyone need a plan or a "coach"? I don't get that. Giving birth is natural and your body tells you want you need to do. You have a nurse and doctor there so why you would want anyone else there telling you want to do makes no sense to me. I understand support but that is what my DH and mom are for.

But what about the cases where the doctor is more interested in making the birth more convenient for him/her?  Unnecessary interventions are at all times high. Some people want someone there who understands medical jargon enough to be able to interfere and stop an unnecessary intervention. I have so many friends who have been told they can't do total normal things that help labor along, and that's just ridiculous. We're at a point where a woman has to be able to advocate for herself and that's not always an easy thing to do while in labor. 

 

That is why picking your OB is such an important part. No one wants an OB who doesn't care and just wants it to be done. That is why researching your OB is so important and having your DH in there with you should be all the support and advocatcy you need! Sorry I will never agree with paying someone to come in with me while I have labor. That is just gross and wierd.

Doctors lie.

You're gross and weird. Do you think your nurse and doctor are there as volunteers? Choosing one of the people I want there as my personal advocate and expert isn't "gross and weird". It's awesome and empowering.

Melanieian:

BelhurstBride:

Melanieian:

Why does anyone need a plan or a "coach"? I don't get that. Giving birth is natural and your body tells you want you need to do. You have a nurse and doctor there so why you would want anyone else there telling you want to do makes no sense to me. I understand support but that is what my DH and mom are for.

But what about the cases where the doctor is more interested in making the birth more convenient for him/her?  Unnecessary interventions are at all times high. Some people want someone there who understands medical jargon enough to be able to interfere and stop an unnecessary intervention. I have so many friends who have been told they can't do total normal things that help labor along, and that's just ridiculous. We're at a point where a woman has to be able to advocate for herself and that's not always an easy thing to do while in labor. 

 

That is why picking your OB is such an important part. No one wants an OB who doesn't care and just wants it to be done. That is why researching your OB is so important and having your DH in there with you should be all the support and advocatcy you need! Sorry I will never agree with paying someone to come in with me while I have labor. That is just gross and wierd.

Dude are those your bio kids? I had a great OB both pregnancies, and neither of them were actually at the labor either time. I don't expect this time to be any different. I feel like you are horribly naive on this topic for someone who seems to have been through it twice. 

Melanieian:

Soleil3:

Melanieian:

Why does anyone need a plan or a "coach"? I don't get that. Giving birth is natural and your body tells you want you need to do. You have a nurse and doctor there so why you would want anyone else there telling you want to do makes no sense to me. I understand support but that is what my DH and mom are for.

Because it doesn't come natural to everyone. And for the intent of the word, your DH and Mom are your coaches. It's never meant someone to boss you around.

 Pooping is natural but how many women here are so stopped up they are taking something to help? Giving birth may be natural, but going in blind, uneducated and without support is setting "you " up for failure.

 

But the doctor and nurses are there and that is their job. And this is my third pregnancy and I have never had anything more than doctor, nurse, mom and DH with me and their was no failure, nor am I uneducated.

Well la di dah, aren't you just such a special snowflake. Get over yourself, and maybe educate yourself on the difference between their and there.