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01-10-2013 at 7:58 AM
shainatay4
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Do people not understand that not all of us can finish school yet?

Goodness, so my husband is getting his degree right now in professional sales. He will be done in April 2013 with his associates degree. I agree when we got married last April that he could finish school since he was closer then me. I would work. He only had one more year. So this last month we decided that we would transfer somewhere and get his bachelors degree. So that means 2 or 3 more years. In our opinion we might as well get it all done now so when our child is older we can afford it. It will be hard for a while because the baby was not in our plan. I am currently 16 weeks. Anyway one of my friends from high school were catching up last night and she pretty much yelled at me saying you can go to school there are a lot of moms that have someone watch there babies while they go to school. I decided along time ago that i would not be like that. I want to be there for my child, i want to experience there first word, talk, first everything. Not saying that people who go to work or go to school are bad moms but i decided that i want to be the type of mom that will stay home with there children. I feel like my dreams can wait awhile. If i want something bad enough I will do it. But if my husband gets an okay or great job and i don't need to work. I don't think i will go back to school or work. My dream was always to be a mom. I also have other dream but to me being a mom is the top of my list. Is this bad that i want to put a hold on them? Or that i am letting my husband finish school? Or that I care about being a mom more then anything?
 
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01-10-2013 at 8:09 AM
CarolynL8
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None of its bad. You guys do what you want to do and what works for you. When your hubby is finished with school your lil one may be in pre k by then. Maybe you can schedule classes when your kid has classes. Night classes when hubby gets home? Etc
There are ways of working things out. My mom was a single mom. She stayed home to take care of me. She graduated college when i graduated high school. She graduated 4.0 with honors. She has a masters and has been a physical therapist ever since.

Bottom line is... If you want something bad enough you will do it in your own time.
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01-10-2013 at 8:11 AM
TheyCalled...
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Every woman has the right to do what she feels is best for her child and her family. Does your s/o plan to work part time when you are not working once the baby comes? That would be my only concern.
 
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01-10-2013 at 8:12 AM
Liz4444
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I'm sorry, but I'm a little confused. So your husband is going to be in school for another 2 years, do you need to work during that time since he is not? There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be a SAHM, I am, but in your scenario, you aren't going to be one for a few years. I'm not sure I follow how you are going to be home and work at the same time.
I think your friends are concerned for your future. If you change your mind and want to work, or have to work... Because, honestly, the chances of your husband getting a fantastic paying job right out of college is slim to none... It will be easier for you to find a better job with a degree.
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01-10-2013 at 8:15 AM
shainatay4
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So right now he is a full time student and a part time worker. Right now he is looking for a full time job because his classes get out earlier so i won't have to work.. (pregnancy has been kinda hard) One he starts school he will have an associates degree and should be able to find a decent job. So i will not be working when the baby comes.
 
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01-10-2013 at 8:19 AM
shainatay4
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I will not be working when the baby comes. Sorry i should have said that. He has already had many opportunities that have came up. But even more when he has a 4 year degree rather the just a 2 year degree, It's interesting because at the end he will have a bachelors degree in business management and a associates in professional sales. I do understand that with a degree in something i could find another job. But for me to get a degree in something it's going to take a couple of years. I just don't have time yet. Not saying i will never go back because they're something i would like to do. But i can't do it yet. 
 
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01-10-2013 at 8:20 AM
mabenner1
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What are you going to do if your husband doesn't get a better job?  And, for the record, I work full time and still have been there for most of my son's biggest milestones. I am "there" for my child, and please don't imply differently.
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01-10-2013 at 8:24 AM
dande2129
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In this day and economy, you can't really do shiit with an Associates, so it's probably the wisest decision to just go for the Bachelors.

If you don't want to return (or go) to school, then don't. It's up to you. I wouldn't bank on the fact that your H will get a decent enough job for you to quit work, though. Keep doing what you're doing, and whatever works best for your family.
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01-10-2013 at 8:26 AM
shainatay4
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Like i said it is not a bad thing. I never said no one is there for their child. I was not trying to offend anyone. I was simply trying to state that that's what i am doing and it's something that I want to do for my family. It's something my husband and I agreed on is i would be a stay at home mom, he will finish school and we would go from there. So my husband's family has their own business, there business is expanding he could run or work their if we needed to. I am not to worried that he won't be able to find a good job. I just don't like the fact that some people don't think that a stay at home mom is good enough. Some people like to work or would like career in something. Right now i want to be with my children. 
 
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01-10-2013 at 8:28 AM
homebird
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Ditto the previous poster. I know you probably don't mean offense by your post, but you are implying that women who work aren't "there" for their children. I am certainly there for my child, and I can honestly say that I didn't miss a single one of her firsts. 

Have you sat down and looked realistically at the money your husband will be bringing in? Done a budget? Do you want to rent, or buy a house someday? What will you do if you need to make a major purchase (like, what if your car breaks down or you have a medical emergency). Will you be able to save any money for such an emergency? Will you be able to pay off any debt you may have (student loans, credit, etc)?

I would be concerned with the money aspect, personally, but I don't know your specific situation or your needs.

There's nothing wrong with being a SAHM, but please make sure you are being realistic about the situation you are in. 
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01-10-2013 at 8:28 AM
dande2129
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shainatay4:
One he starts school he will have an associates degree and should be able to find a decent job. So i will not be working when the baby comes.

Again, that is the idea after graduation, but I can't tell you how many friends of mine have graduated and ended up working in position that they were way too over qualified for. Just because he will have a bachelors doesn't mean that everything is smooth sailing from there on out.

Also, Business Management? That doesn't necessarily mean a big-wig corporation is going to take him on and pay him a pretty penny of a salary straight out of college. I know plenty of people that have a degree in Business Management, or something of the like, and are managers at Giant Eagle or Steak N' Shake.  
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01-10-2013 at 8:31 AM
TX-Bride
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To me your post sounds like you are just unhappy with your situation, you got pregnant by accident, decided to keep the baby, but the reality is starting to sink in. It also sounds like you are very young, early 20s, so your friends probably know what goal and ambitions you had, and since you got pregnant your are putting everything aside.

It's great to be SAHM if you can afford it, but I strongly believe every woman, should be able to provide for herself and if she chooses to have a family provide for her children, you never know what's going to happen in life.

 
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01-10-2013 at 8:33 AM
homebird
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shainatay4:
Like i said it is not a bad thing. I never said no one is there for their child. I was not trying to offend anyone. I was simply trying to state that that's what i am doing and it's something that I want to do for my family. It's something my husband and I agreed on is i would be a stay at home mom, he will finish school and we would go from there. So my husband's family has their own business, there business is expanding he could run or work their if we needed to. I am not to worried that he won't be able to find a good job. I just don't like the fact that some people don't think that a stay at home mom is good enough. Some people like to work or would like career in something. Right now i want to be with my children. 

In your original post, you asked questions:

" Is this bad that i want to put a hold on them? Or that i am letting my husband finish school? Or that I care about being a mom more then anything?"

Others are just trying to get you to think about your situation from a different perspective. If this is just "what you am doing" then why ask us what we think? You seem like you've already made up your mind.

Honestly, I would be very worried about my husband finding a job right out of college. I can't tell you how many people I know are struggling to find jobs in a similar situation. I have a good friend who has been out of college for 3 years and is still working in fast food because that's all he can find right now.

Just pointing out that a college degree does not mean a good job. 
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01-10-2013 at 8:46 AM
Ana0927
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This. I was pregnant with my DD during grad school and had my baby right before I graduated.  It took me 7 months to find a job. Once I found a job, I took anything I could get just because jobs were so hard to come by. 

When I did finally settle into my current full time job, I decided to go back to school again as did my husband.  It was hard but we both managed to survive and we were always there for our DD . 

Edit Sorry I forgot to qoute dande2129
 
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01-10-2013 at 8:52 AM
shainatay4
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The only reason why i am not worried about him finding a job is because he has been offered and has a spot in a certain company at this moment. My husband can work in two different countries and it's something that he wants to do. I also know that if he wants or if we need to he can work in his fathers company. If i need to be worried about it then i will be. I didn't mean to come out negative if people are thinking that i am not okay with the situation that i am in. I am young but i also got married young. So far things have been fine and for us to have this baby is the biggest blessing that we could of ever asked for. We are very grateful for the opportunity to be parents. But i do think you are right i think i have made up my mind. What set me off was that being a stay at home mom was not good enough. That bothers me. I didn't have parents who raised me. I didn't have parents that came home to me. My husband and i have all these plans about certain ways we want our child to be raised. I am sorry if that's not okay with some of you and i am sorry that some of you doubt me. But i strongly believe that if my husband and i are doing what we are supposed to be doing, and giving effort we believe that heavenly father will help us through any trials that come our way. Not saying that just because i want something i will get it or saying that just because i believe in God that everything will be perfect but i believe that he has a plan for our family and no matter what we will be okay. That's all i feel like i need to say. i was not trying to discriminate anyone or make them feel less of anything because of what my family has chosen to do. I feel like you have to do what you have to do in any type of situation. And every right should be able to be done by a women and man. So since i have the opportunity right now my plan is to be a stay at home mom.
 
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01-10-2013 at 8:56 AM
I Love my ...
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I don't think it's bad to stay home if we could afford it I'd do it in a heartbeat
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01-10-2013 at 8:59 AM
Erinm278
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I agree with what PP have said.  I just wanted to add that, while your plan of you SO getting a job that will support you sounds great, it may not happen.  Many people struggle finding a job after graduating.  I have a Masters Degree and when I graduated with it I was making $9.00 an hour.  I have since gotten a higher paying job, but it took a while.

This cannot be your only plan.  You have to have a plan B.
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01-10-2013 at 9:04 AM
homebird
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Ok then. I don't really understand the point of this post if you're just telling us what your plan is.

Good luck.
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01-10-2013 at 9:18 AM
etoille
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dande2129:

shainatay4:
One he starts school he will have an associates degree and should be able to find a decent job. So i will not be working when the baby comes.

Again, that is the idea after graduation, but I can't tell you how many friends of mine have graduated and ended up working in position that they were way too over qualified for. Just because he will have a bachelors doesn't mean that everything is smooth sailing from there on out.

Also, Business Management? That doesn't necessarily mean a big-wig corporation is going to take him on and pay him a pretty penny of a salary straight out of college. I know plenty of people that have a degree in Business Management, or something of the like, and are managers at Giant Eagle or Steak N' Shake.  

Pretty much this. BA's are the new HS degrees. Dime a dozen. Not saying that they aren't great or don't help but they don't set you apart in pretty much ANY field anymore. Its check the box.

OP I think you're in for one heck of a rude awakening. You sound young; eventually you'll figure it out - but god forbid it doesn't work out with you two and you've stayed at home with no job and no education. What happens if your husband gets hit by a car?

You need to do some long term planning in terms of back up plans/contingency. I'm not saying go to school full time, I'm not even saying school is the answer (see further, BA degrees really don't mean anything in today's job environment. hell a lot of grad degrees don't mean anything either)...but your whole post comes off as "I'm young, I don't really have a clue how the world works" and that tends to not work out so well in the long term unless you're lucky.

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01-10-2013 at 9:18 AM
pantsarell...
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I agree you should have a plan B.

1- you shouldn't count on your husband getting a fantastic job right away. EVEN if he has a verbal offer right now. Without an offer in writing, he doesn't have anything.

2- you shouldn't count on your husband to always be there to support you. What if something happens to him and he physically can't work anymore? What if you two get divorced (not saying you would, but I've seen it happen to people with seemingly strong marriages, some married for a year, others for 19 years)? Then you're stuck with a HS diploma and a child (maybe more than one).

Have you ever heard the phrase "pray for the best, plan for the worst"? You should be thinking more along those lines.

And like some others, I took some offense to your saying that because I chose to work, I won't be there for my child. Just a thought, if you have to say "not to offend anyone", you're offending someone and you shouldn't say it. Good luck! 

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01-10-2013 at 9:19 AM
TriciaChic...
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To me it sounds like you are using the baby as an excuse to not work or finish school especially if your husband may not be able to support you and baby.  I think part of being a good mom is making something of yourself.  I think your child would respect in future years that you did everything you could to contribute to your family.  If your husband were all set in his career making oodles of money then I would say go for it and stay home but it does not sound like this is the case for you.  I think you referenced the "heavenly father" providing for you in any situation. God gave us free will and will not just shower money on us because we decide to stay home.  He gave you a brain to choose what is best to do in this situation.
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01-10-2013 at 9:22 AM
etoille
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shainatay4:
The only reason why i am not worried about him finding a job is because he has been offered and has a spot in a certain company at this moment. My husband can work in two different countries and it's something that he wants to do. I also know that if he wants or if we need to he can work in his fathers company. If i need to be worried about it then i will be. I didn't mean to come out negative if people are thinking that i am not okay with the situation that i am in. I am young but i also got married young. So far things have been fine and for us to have this baby is the biggest blessing that we could of ever asked for. We are very grateful for the opportunity to be parents. But i do think you are right i think i have made up my mind. What set me off was that being a stay at home mom was not good enough. That bothers me. I didn't have parents who raised me. I didn't have parents that came home to me. My husband and i have all these plans about certain ways we want our child to be raised. I am sorry if that's not okay with some of you and i am sorry that some of you doubt me. But i strongly believe that if my husband and i are doing what we are supposed to be doing, and giving effort we believe that heavenly father will help us through any trials that come our way. Not saying that just because i want something i will get it or saying that just because i believe in God that everything will be perfect but i believe that he has a plan for our family and no matter what we will be okay. That's all i feel like i need to say. i was not trying to discriminate anyone or make them feel less of anything because of what my family has chosen to do. I feel like you have to do what you have to do in any type of situation. And every right should be able to be done by a women and man. So since i have the opportunity right now my plan is to be a stay at home mom.

Then honestly wtf are you concerned about what your friends say for? It obviously bothered you enough to post about it here. 

Can't have it both ways. Can't be super confident in what you're doing and at the same time prone to letting others make you doubt it.  Though I suppose at your age its not uncommon to believe you can.

Check back in with us in 10 years.


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01-10-2013 at 9:29 AM
etoille
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TriciaChick:
To me it sounds like you are using the baby as an excuse to not work or finish school especially if your husband may not be able to support you and baby.  I think part of being a good mom is making something of yourself.  I think your child would respect in future years that you did everything you could to contribute to your family.  If your husband were all set in his career making oodles of money then I would say go for it and stay home but it does not sound like this is the case for you.  I think you referenced the "heavenly father" providing for you in any situation. God gave us free will and will not just shower money on us because we decide to stay home.  He gave you a brain to choose what is best to do in this situation.

Pretty much this.  If she were busting ass already at work or had plans and was executing them her friends wouldn't be giving her a hard time.  Because people who have demonstrated a work ethic in the past lead others to believe that even if they take time off they have the responsibility and maturity to make sure that there's some sort of long term plan in mind and that the person has a grasp on the real world.

If we think she sounds like someone who has no clue and her friends do too, chances are its a duck.

(It should also be noted that heavenly father in this instance may also refer to her husbands father who sounds like the guy who would be bailing them out if god doesn't take care of them as planned).

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01-10-2013 at 9:34 AM
mbody
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PP's have made some great points. 

Just want to add: 

Sometimes being "there" for your child(ren) are to get and education and work for the family. There is certainly nothing wrong with being a SAHM, but from your posts, it seems as if you think that is the only way to be "there." 

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01-10-2013 at 9:48 AM
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TriciaChick:
To me it sounds like you are using the baby as an excuse to not work or finish school especially if your husband may not be able to support you and baby.  I think part of being a good mom is making something of yourself.  I think your child would respect in future years that you did everything you could to contribute to your family.  If your husband were all set in his career making oodles of money then I would say go for it and stay home but it does not sound like this is the case for you.  I think you referenced the "heavenly father" providing for you in any situation. God gave us free will and will not just shower money on us because we decide to stay home.  He gave you a brain to choose what is best to do in this situation.

I agree with all of this.

And OP: Holy mix up between there, their, and they're. 
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01-10-2013 at 10:00 AM
Sagen
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Do whatever is best for you and ignore the rest. My husband is a doctor in residency, but we had our first baby in med school. We lived off loans since daycare was what I would bring in. Almost all the other families in med school did the same. Now he is done and in residency, we don't make a ton, but enough to live off. Once he is done, and my kids are older I want to go back to school, or start a job I enjoy. As far as being able to be prepaired to live as a single mother, well I will cross that bridge if I come to it. In all honesty my last job I worked at I worked with all college grads. It is sad the college degree does not always equal a good job. I almost feel like should this situation arise with young children it would probably be best to start a day care at home since I am not sure how I would be able to handle paying out so much child care in summer time. I don't ever forsee a divorce, if it happens lets hope he is done with residency and I get good allimony ( I kid... I kid). Anyhow everyone situtation is different, so it is best just to figure people are trying, and do our own thing. You did sounds a little judgemental towards working moms (even if not intentionally). I see a lot of judgement from people because I don't work. It goes both ways, and this is one subject I am kumbaya about :)
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01-10-2013 at 10:04 AM
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If it's truly a matter of "my dreams can wait" and you guys have the financial means to support your family if you stay home, there's nothing wrong with that.

But there are lots of moms who would love to be home with their kids who don't just quit working because they want to.  You have to do what's fair to your husband and your family and balance your current financial needs with your personal priorities and future goals.  If you have to work or if it's better for your family for you to take some classes so that you can fill in the financial gaps one day and make a better income, you need to do that.

You need to look at the big picture, not just your own personal desire to SAH.

 
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01-10-2013 at 10:04 AM
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mabenner1:

What are you going to do if your husband doesn't get a better job?  And, for the record, I work full time and still have been there for most of my son's biggest milestones. I am "there" for my child, and please don't imply differently.

Yeah, OP it is really wrong to imply that working moms are missing anything important. They are very much there for their kids as much as any SAHM. Arguments like yours tend to be divisive as opposed to supporting every woman's choice. I'm not usually for the "be nice" train, but honestly that type of rhetoric contributes to the BS that is Mommy Wars.  
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01-10-2013 at 10:09 AM
IrishCoffe...
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Sagen:
Do whatever is best for you and ignore the rest. My husband is a doctor in residency, but we had our first baby in med school. We lived off loans since daycare was what I would bring in. Almost all the other families in med school did the same. Now he is done and in residency, we don't make a ton, but enough to live off. Once he is done, and my kids are older I want to go back to school, or start a job I enjoy. As far as being able to be prepaired to live as a single mother, well I will cross that bridge if I come to it. In all honesty my last job I worked at I worked with all college grads. It is sad the college degree does not always equal a good job. I almost feel like should this situation arise with young children it would probably be best to start a day care at home since I am not sure how I would be able to handle paying out so much child care in summer time. I don't ever forsee a divorce, if it happens lets hope he is done with residency and I get good allimony ( I kid... I kid). Anyhow everyone situtation is different, so it is best just to figure people are trying, and do our own thing. You did sounds a little judgemental towards working moms (even if not intentionally). I see a lot of judgement from people because I don't work. It goes both ways, and this is one subject I am kumbaya about :)
I really think that the bolded is a little irresponsible, at least as advice.  I'm not disagreeing with your personal choices at all...I understand how costly daycare is and that it may make sense financially for you to stay home.  But so many women, and children as well as a result, see dramatic decreases in their incomes if they become single or the sole breadwinner (even if by death or disability rather than separation or divorce).  You may have weighed the options for your own family and decided that's best under the circumstances, but I don't think "we'll cross that bridge when we come to it" is a good idea in most cases, or fair to the kids. My point being to me "what will you do if you become single or the sole breadwinner" is one of the first considerations I'd ask someone weighing their WM vs SAHM decision, not the last.
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01-10-2013 at 10:24 AM
Sagen
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I agree that is not great advice, I was just telling my own story. Sadly havinga degree as a back up doesn't always equal a safety net should things not work out. Like I said I worked with all college degree holding people when I did work. It is a sad situation. I worked in a hospital in patient accounts, there were a couple associates, and a handful of health care buisness degrees. They were all working to get ahead, the sad part is my boss didn't have a degree she just had worked there years and years. I think if you were to go beyond her you would have to have a degree, but that degree would not equal awesome pay right off the bat. With many degrees you still have to put in the work to move up. It is really important to have though. So with that said I do agree with you that it is probably best to just get a degree while it is easiest, and with one small baby. For *me* my husband school was so all consuming and expensive it just didn't seem feasable.It is kind of hard to know each persons circumstances though. That is why I subcribe to the idea of just assuming the person is doing the best they can.  
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