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01-10-2013 at 9:18 AM
buttabean1...
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buttabean14 is not online. Last active: 06-16-2013, 10:22 PMNewbie

husband getting mad at NB

My poor DH is trying so hard to help out with night feeds, but he gets frustrated so easily. He is a man that gets really messed up when his normal routine is damaged, especially his sleep. At the 2:00 am feed, LO's tummy was bothering her so she was squalling out a storm and he didn't know what to do about it. I went out to the living room where they were and he said "I can't get this G...D.. kid to shut up." Totally not like him to talk like that-NEVER says GD. So obviously I took the baby because it was clear he had had enough.

I know he's frustrated at her at night, but I wish he'd gain the patience as well. He doesn't adapt to change well. Poor man, tries to help with things, only to make them worse. Any advice/insight from other mommas? 


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01-10-2013 at 9:28 AM
jobiann
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It is a big adjustment being in control of everything to having this little person making their own decisions.

Be sure you and your H have a serious conversation about being frustrated with baby and it being ok to pass the baby to you and discuss shaken baby syndrome. People have done it who said they never would. DH and I have plan B and C for rough times. We also did everything for our DS the first week so we learned together and became comfortable with him. 



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01-10-2013 at 9:30 AM
pbrown7781
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jobiann:

It is a big adjustment being in control of everything to having this little person making their own decisions.

Be sure you and your H have a serious conversation about being frustrated with baby and it being ok to pass the baby to you and discuss shaken baby syndrome. People have done it who said they never would. DH and I have plan B and C for rough times. We also did everything for our DS the first week so we learned together and became comfortable with him. 

I agree!  I told my DH to let me know if he's getting frustrated. I will gladly take over.  I am sure that he will not so anything to harm our baby.  Just want him to not fly off the handle.  Plus, babies can sense frustration.  


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01-10-2013 at 9:31 AM
buttabean1...
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Thank you for this! My mom's best advice so far after she went home was "don't be afraid to say the things you wouldn't normally say." I'm trying with that, but he is afraid to hurt my feelings and then keeps it in. :( 

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01-10-2013 at 9:38 AM
pbrown7781
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buttabean14:
Thank you for this! My mom's best advice so far after she went home was "don't be afraid to say the things you wouldn't normally say." I'm trying with that, but he is afraid to hurt my feelings and then keeps it in. :( 

 

I have been MORE verbal than ever.  When it comes to my baby and our well-being.  I am VERY VERY outspoken.  I like your mom's advice!!! 


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01-10-2013 at 11:28 AM
Kemare20
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Let your husband know that he needs to come get you before he gets so frustrated. It took my husband awhile to finally come get me- I usually sensed his frustration and intervened. I would just demonstrate it for him. When I got really frustrated with LO, I would come get him and tell him "I am getting really frustrated and overwhelmed. I need you to take him so I can calm down." In 20 minutes or so, I return much more relaxed. I think him just watching how much it helps helped him realize it is OKAY to walk away. I think showing him that I, too, get frustrated and need a break was really helpful for him as well.

Plus, babies sense building frustration and often start crying harder and longer.


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01-10-2013 at 11:44 AM
SusanC111
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Google "5 words babies use on Oprah" and have him watch it. My husband watched it several times in a row and a lightbulb went off for him. He finally realized the baby is trying to communicate, and not just crying to ruin your day. Or your night. Even if your baby doesn't use those "words" hopefully it will help your husband find your baby's cues. 

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01-10-2013 at 12:55 PM
kschonek
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At first my husband would get frustrated with baby as well and try not to bother me. He also does not do well without sleep while I am pretty okay without sleep or less sleep.  We are also only breastfeeding with the occasional bottle of expressed milk so I can get a long sleep every couple days.  We made an agreement that I would be primary night caregiver and he would take care of evenings and morning times and I would get additional sleep.  This way, neither of us is terrible sleep deprived.  Husband has been able to practice and get comfortable with baby while he is not so stressed out and now at almost 4 week, husband is quite capable of calming baby even if he is a little hungry while I get ready for feeding.  See if you can work out a schedule that works for both of you - its a hard adjustment and being exhausted does not make it better for anyone.
 
01-10-2013 at 1:01 PM
angelicbru...
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angelicbrunette23 is not online. Last active: 05-23-2013, 12:14 PMNewbie
SusanC111:
Google "5 words babies use on Oprah" and have him watch it. My husband watched it several times in a row and a lightbulb went off for him. He finally realized the baby is trying to communicate, and not just crying to ruin your day. Or your night. Even if your baby doesn't use those "words" hopefully it will help your husband find your baby's cues. 
FABULOUS!!! I am making sure anyone who ever watches my baby has seen this!!

 
01-10-2013 at 1:16 PM
elvinnoe
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angelicbrunette23:
SusanC111:
Google "5 words babies use on Oprah" and have him watch it. My husband watched it several times in a row and a lightbulb went off for him. He finally realized the baby is trying to communicate, and not just crying to ruin your day. Or your night. Even if your baby doesn't use those "words" hopefully it will help your husband find your baby's cues. 
FABULOUS!!! I am making sure anyone who ever watches my baby has seen this!!

I just looked it up too! Ivy started crying almost as soon as the video was over, so it was perfect timing. She needed to burp. I put her on my shoulder and she burped almost immediately. Then she started crying again, turns out it was her diaper this time. Then again, and it was the OW one. She's taking a nap now. Crazy crazy... 


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01-10-2013 at 2:31 PM
FutureMrsB...
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angelicbrunette23:
SusanC111:
Google "5 words babies use on Oprah" and have him watch it. My husband watched it several times in a row and a lightbulb went off for him. He finally realized the baby is trying to communicate, and not just crying to ruin your day. Or your night. Even if your baby doesn't use those "words" hopefully it will help your husband find your baby's cues. 
FABULOUS!!! I am making sure anyone who ever watches my baby has seen this!!

 So glad I watched this! 


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01-10-2013 at 3:13 PM
lindsey30
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Wow, if I didn't know any better I would've thought that I wrote this! My DH is going through the same things. He does NOT like change what so ever. The other day I was pumping and he was trying to calm LO down and he got very frustrated. He put DS in his RnP and said "I need to go outside before I lose it". DH just got laid off on Monday and will now be watching DS when I go back to work, so I told him that he needed to calm down and find some patience because when I go back to work he just can't put DS down and leave. He replied with "I hope I get called back before you go back to work". This statement not only hurt my feelings but pissed me off because I would give anything to stay at home with DS and spend as much time with him as I could. I overreacted a little and said "So you would rather go to work then spend time with your son?!?! That's real nice" and started walking away. He then said "I knew I wasn't going to be a good father" and went outside. Just about broke my heart. He is a great father, this is just a huge adjustment that is going to take time to figure out and get used to. I keep reminding myself to be more patient with DH. I don't really have any advice since I myself don't really know what to do with DH either. I just wanted to let you know that you are not the only one going through this!!

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01-10-2013 at 3:19 PM
jessican08
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((hugs)) I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

My H gets really frustrated as well when the babies are fussing. I swear the babies can sense it too and things just snowball from there. It's gotten to the point where I'd rather just do everything myself than have him "help" and get pissed off.

I keep reminding him that they don't act like that to make him mad - they're babies and that's the only way they can communicate. I hope your H comes around soon.


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01-10-2013 at 4:46 PM
BLPL101
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My DH is a very kind, patient man, but boy has having a baby pushed him to his limits. I have been with him almost 10 years and I've never seen him get so frustrated! What I started doing it taking care of her at night and if I absolutely need him then I will wake him. He works crazy hours and has a super stressful job so it's just not possible for him to handle work and take care of DD at night. It is super hard on me, but I will wake him if I am just overly exhausted. I am not a huge fan of the newborn stage! ;)

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01-10-2013 at 6:45 PM
Fordlor
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lindsey30:
Wow, if I didn't know any better I would've thought that I wrote this! My DH is going through the same things. He does NOT like change what so ever. The other day I was pumping and he was trying to calm LO down and he got very frustrated. He put DS in his RnP and said "I need to go outside before I lose it". DH just got laid off on Monday and will now be watching DS when I go back to work, so I told him that he needed to calm down and find some patience because when I go back to work he just can't put DS down and leave. He replied with "I hope I get called back before you go back to work". This statement not only hurt my feelings but pissed me off because I would give anything to stay at home with DS and spend as much time with him as I could. I overreacted a little and said "So you would rather go to work then spend time with your son?!?! That's real nice" and started walking away. He then said "I knew I wasn't going to be a good father" and went outside. Just about broke my heart. He is a great father, this is just a huge adjustment that is going to take time to figure out and get used to. I keep reminding myself to be more patient with DH. I don't really have any advice since I myself don't really know what to do with DH either. I just wanted to let you know that you are not the only one going through this!!

I disagree.  If your DH is getting frustrated, he should put the baby down (in a safe place) and walk away to calm down.  Obviously, he shouldn't hop in the car and drive away but if he needs to step outside or into another room, he should. 

Being a parent is hard and there's a learning curve.  When my husband and I had our first DD, we both had moments of getting frustrated.  Thankfully, we were never both frustrated at the same time.  We did a lot of tag-teaming during her fussy periods.  It's key to stay on the same team and not jump on each other for needing a little help when the baby is crying.  We both knew that if we were getting to our breaking point, we needed to get the other person. 


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01-10-2013 at 7:38 PM
lindsey30
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Sorry I wasn't clear. He actually went outside and got in his truck and left. I agree that there are times when you need a break but he can't physically leave DS, that's what I was telling DH.

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01-11-2013 at 4:05 AM
Kimbus22
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My husband was similar.  He's a great dad but night wakings were just not his thing.  He was too easily frustrated.  Eventually I just started going to bed really early and he started taking any wake ups before midnight and I took everything from midnight to 6am. 

ETA:  We also added a new rule.  If you feel like you're going to lose it, you put the baby down somewhere safe and go get the other parent, no questions asked.  That saved both of our sanity on more than one occasion.


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