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01-11-2013 at 8:34 PM
smexyshar1...
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smexyshar13 is not online. Last active: 05-15-2013, 4:44 PMNewbie

11 weeks pregnant and partner is abusive and leaving

I decided to make a post about this because I need some support from expecting mommies, or women who have been through this. My partner and I are in a very mature relationship. He is 37 and has 3 kids from a previous marriage and I thought he was "the one". We tried very hard to get pregnant because it's what we both wanted for a very long time and he wanted to start over and be a full time father. We finally conceived and it was so exciting! Shortly after I was diagnosed with Hyperemesis Gravidarum (an extreme case of morning sickness) and was throwing up every day and lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks and I'm already thin. It's been 7 weeks since we found out I was pregnant and I have been stuck on the couch the whole time. Now he is emotionally and verbally abusing me. It has gone on our entire relationship but I just pushed it away. It's become a major problem now since I am pregnant and am super sick. He constantly puts me down, belittles me, and constantly yells at me. Then he says he doesn't do anything wrong and it's all me. I finally had enough and put a stop to it. I told him I still love him but I need to move back home where I have the support from my family and he can finish his job (which is only 2 more months) and we can figure out where to go from there. He doesn't want to do that. He says I'm just throwing our relationship away and I can just raise this child on my own.

Any advice? Women who have been in situations like this where they had to choose between the love of their life and the safety of themselves and future baby? Anything would be helpful at this point. Thanks for listening.

 
01-11-2013 at 8:51 PM
naenay797
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Listen. I am a domestic violence detective and I see this all too often. You need to leave him. The new love of your life is your baby. You have a duty to protect your child. Don't think he won't abuse the child especially if he wants to hurt you. Get out while you can. Trust me.

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01-11-2013 at 8:55 PM
HeIlCat
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I have no experience in this situation, but you need to GTFO. I am sure actually being in this type of situation is harder. Therefore the decision making is harder, but the obvious choice is to protect yourself and more importantly protect your child.
 
01-11-2013 at 9:02 PM
PrincessFi...
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You need to get out. If he harrasses you get an order or protection. When LO is born don't tell him, don't put his name on the birth certificate or let him sign it etc. If he wants to fight for visitation after that, let him take the appropriate steps.

 
01-11-2013 at 9:13 PM
Emmakins87
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Get out, go to a safe house go somewhere, Are there battered women shelters near you that can keep you safe for a few weeks so he is not looking for you at a family home ......? but I just wanted to say, How brave and honest of you to post this. I truly wish you the best in a difficult situation.

 
01-11-2013 at 9:14 PM
anamouse
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I agree that you need to get out. You're smart enough to realize this isn't healthy. It hasn't changed throughout the course of your relationship and it never will. You deserve better.

 
01-11-2013 at 9:14 PM
smexyshar1...
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Thank you for your advice! Definitely helps me out in this time.
 
01-11-2013 at 9:18 PM
smexyshar1...
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I appreciate all of your advice! Thank you all so much. It's so difficult in this situation because you don't know how you are going to do this and to not have the support of loved ones around you is even harder. So thank you for supporting me and giving me very helpful advice. I don't know about safe shelters, I will definitely look into it. I'm just trying to get him to buy me a plane ticket home at the moment. My family is waiting for me to come home and are willing to pay whatever they can to help as well.
 
01-11-2013 at 9:22 PM
leahaustin
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My sister lived a simat situation as what your sounds like. He is being verbally and emotionally abusive to you and if you think he won't do it to the child that is a part of you, he will. Please, for your safety and your future child's get out and stay with someone else.

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01-11-2013 at 9:25 PM
aessary03
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I'm not sure how you can say that's a mature relationship. If it were, he wouldn't be abusing you. often times abuse escalates during pregnancy. Stop listening to him and get the hell out of there. I went through a similar situation with my daughter ten years ago. Trust me, it's not worth it. Turn to your family and have them help you get away.

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01-11-2013 at 9:36 PM
plunderb
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If you are able to use a computer safely (either at home or at a public place or friend's house), find a local women's shelter. They will be able to refer you to groups that will help you relocate without waiting for your abuser to pay for a ticket.

You can also call the National Domestic Violence Hotline for help: 1-800-799-7233 (1-800-799-SAFE)

01-11-2013 at 10:03 PM
TurtleMomm...
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naenay797:
Listen. I am a domestic violence detective and I see this all too often. You need to leave him. The new love of your life is your baby. You have a duty to protect your child. Don't think he won't abuse the child especially if he wants to hurt you. Get out while you can. Trust me.

 

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01-11-2013 at 10:19 PM
1026pumpki...
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I'm really sorry you're going through this.  I agree with everyone else- get out now.  If you can move near your family for support, do it now and don't look back.  If he's treating you like this now, it isn't going to get any better when you add the stress of a newborn.  You owe it to yourself and your baby to go somewhere you'll be safe and treated respectfully.

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01-11-2013 at 11:05 PM
GoldenPeac...
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I agree with everybody else. Get out of that situation, for you and your unborn baby's sake.

((HUGS)) I am so sorry you are going through this!


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01-11-2013 at 11:41 PM
JCWhitey
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I am so sorry to hear about your situation.  I was in a similar situation a few years ago, except I wasn't pregnant.  I had been in an accident and was disabled and until I had surgery (which was about a year after the accident) I could do anything.  It was frustrating for me but even more frustrating that instead of being there to help me my (now) ex-husband got very abusive.  I did end up leaving, but I really wish I'd left a lot sooner than I did.

It's really hard, but once you do it you feel so free!  I remember driving down the road with my dog and whatever I could fit in my car just singing at the top of my lungs and dancing around my car.  I'd struggled with the decision to leave for over a year and to finally make it was great.  Trust me, things will not get better anytime soon.  Leave now!  Get your freedom back!

If you don't have any friends or family nearby check out a shelter near you.  They are fantastic.  I ended up just driving home across country when I left but if driving home isn't an option or you don't feel safe going there the shelter is the best place for you.  They will help you get clothes, get legal advice, medical help,  therapy, and police protection if you need it.  You'll meet other women who are in the same boat you are which will really help you feel less alone.

Good luck to you!  *hugs*!


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01-11-2013 at 11:53 PM
Kitten80
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I agree with pp - leave now.  You are lucky to have family to go to, and a shelter can help you in the mean time if you need somewhere to go while you prep flying home.  It will only get worse when the baby gets here.  And, you are lucky if he says you can raise it on your own - I would try and get a lawyer (again, a shelter can help you) to advise you on how to keep him away from your baby/sign his rights away if thats what he is claiming he wants.  It is a lot harder once there are kid(s) involved.  Good luck!
01-12-2013 at 2:08 AM
MrsBlindLo...
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plunderb:

If you are able to use a computer safely (either at home or at a public place or friend's house), find a local women's shelter. They will be refer you to groups that will help you relocate without waiting for your abuser to pay for a ticket.

You can also call the National Domestic Violence Hotline for help: 1-800-799-7233 (1-800-799-SAFE)

This is good advice. Good luck!


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01-12-2013 at 3:54 AM
magdalina....
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Have your family pay instead of him so you can GTFO now
01-12-2013 at 6:02 AM
kestock120
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Yours and your baby's well being are the top priority. He is trying to manipulate you into staying. Get out now before verbal and emotional abuse turns physical.
01-12-2013 at 7:45 AM
elmoali
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I won't pretend to think I can understand what you're going through and it's always going to be easiest for all of us to say "just leave."  But what we do have is the benefit of a perspective that isn't skewed by "the good times." You know?  The bad you've told us is bad enough to trump all the best memories and you seem to know that.  Even though it won't be easy, because as you said, you don't have loved ones nearby, think of it this way - he isn't a "loved one" you can count on for love or support EITHER.  I really wish you good luck.

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01-12-2013 at 8:12 AM
CCRoe
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Please leave and stay away. It will not get better. If by some miracle he changes his ways that is great but you cannot stick around for it. Find your indepence for your baby. It sounds like you have a support system so I would lean on them.
 
01-12-2013 at 9:24 AM
PrimRoseMa...
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smexyshar13:

My partner and I are in a very mature relationship.

He constantly puts me down, belittles me, and constantly yells at me.

He doesn't want to do that. He says I'm just throwing our relationship away and I can just raise this child on my own.

Women who have been in situations like this where they had to choose between the love of their life and the safety of themselves and future baby?

Honestly, an abusive partner that verbally degrades his partner does not sound like a mature relationship. Truthfully, it sounds like he is emotionally immature. I have no idea how you could think this was ever a mature relationship.

This is abuse and not acceptable. It sounds like he is not really on board with the pregnancy and was acting like a douche to get you to end the relationship. That doesn't mean he's off the hook to help support the family he created. It sounds like you aren't married, so you don't have to worry about divorce proceedings. This is actually a good thing. Take his butt to the cleaners. Hire a lawyer and get him to pay child support.

Also, I don't understand how he could be the "love of your life" when he treats  you so poorly? He's the stone around your neck and you need to drop him like a bad habit. The choice should be simply. Dump the asswipe and focus on your family. I don't care how much you "love him". He doesn't love you and its likely he treated you like his property, but never actually loved you. Harsh words, yes. I'm sorry to say, but you need to walk and never look back.

Good luck to you.


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01-12-2013 at 11:24 AM
L&R70707
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You are not, nor were you ever with this a$$hole, in a mature relationship.  Get out and get far away from him.  Think hard and long about the way he treats you.  That isn't real love even if you think it is now.   Cut all ties with no second chances...that is the only way to move and do what is best for you and your LO.



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01-12-2013 at 11:42 AM
dandelion1...
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You really need to think not only about how he has been treating you but about the fact your bringing another person's life into this bad situation. Not only do you not deserve this situation but living at a home with any sort of emotion, verbal or physical abuse can really mess a child up growing up. If you continue down this road your child will think this is a normal health okay thing to do in relationships which can be a precursor for their future relationships and actions to come. Even if it isn't physical it isn't right and most people that become abusers or enter into an abusive relationship come from abusive households.  

I personally know it's hard to leave a relationship like this from a previous relationship but I can tell you that you deserve better and as hard as it is to leave now..your life will be better, your child's life will be better and your be a stronger better person for making this decision. 


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01-12-2013 at 12:08 PM
Elinetrouw...
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Agree with everyone else that you need to leave, ASAP.

However, I know that leaving a relationship like that can be very hard. If you find yourself unable to leave, and the abuse turns physical, do file a complaint with the police every single time, and try to let them include photo evidence when possible in your file. I know this sounds kind of cold and harsh from my part.

But if you do decide to leave after all, having a file like that will be a help in getting a restraining order if necessary or preventing him from having parental custody over your child. 

That being said, please do leave. Just from your post here, I can see that you are very strong. I wish you so much luck! 


 
01-12-2013 at 3:11 PM
Laurakat81
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Clearly he is not the love of your life. Leave. You and baby are better off without him.
01-12-2013 at 4:48 PM
mainerocks
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naenay797:
Listen. I am a domestic violence detective and I see this all too often. You need to leave him. The new love of your life is your baby. You have a duty to protect your child. Don't think he won't abuse the child especially if he wants to hurt you. Get out while you can. Trust me.

Listen to the expert here! Please let your family help you get away from this guy ASAP. 


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01-12-2013 at 4:51 PM
everchangi...
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I've dealt with this before. Was married to a "great man" who I was sure I loved, but hindsight being 20/20, I was just in the pattern of abuse thinking I deserved all the crap. It was hard at first, but I got out just as it was getting worse, and I am so glad I did!. Two years later, I met a truly amazing man with zero red flags and he has been so great to me! It's difficult, and takes a lot of standing up for yourself, but you can do it! Best wishes for you and your baby. 


 
01-12-2013 at 9:11 PM
vintageuto...
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smexyshar13:

 He says I'm just throwing our relationship away and I can just raise this child on my own.

 I would look at this as divine intervention and leave. It sounds like the stress of your condition has made him show his "true colors" early on. It is only going to get worse, so I would consider myself and do exactly what he suggested...raise your baby on your own with the love and support of your family.

 Don't look back.


 
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