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01-12-2013 at 7:56 PM
ashfann
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"Absentee" shower

I am a Air Force wife, with family all over the country and nowhere near my husband and I. Our closest family, his mom, is five hours away. The next nearest is the next state. I have work friends, but no close friends in state. Given all this, I had kind of resigned myself to fact that I would not be having a baby shower, but my mom suggested having an absentee shower at her house (800 miles away) with family and friends that are there, and sending invites out to pretty much everyone, friends and family all over. This had never crossed my mind, (I had never heard of an  absentee shower) but the support of a baby registry and help with what we will need will be invaluable to our little military family. Has anyone been in a situation similar to mine? How did you go about it? How we're your invitations done? Any advice?
 
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01-12-2013 at 7:59 PM
BallSox
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I have no advice because I don't agree with it.  People who want to buy you a present will do so regardless of if there is a shower or not. 
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01-12-2013 at 8:04 PM
ashfann
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That's fine if you don't agree with it. I'm asking for help from those who may have been in a similar situation. 
 
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01-12-2013 at 8:08 PM
MkWaltrip1...
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My friend did this for her daughter. They sent out invitations, explained what was going to happen - had everyone ship their gifts to her daughter. They had everyone meet in a hotel conference room for the shower because there was more room for everyone to "view the screen" They set their computer up to a projector and skyped her daughter who was across country and then everyone could watch her open her gifts in real time. I thought this was a great idea. It gave everyone the opportunity to be involved as if she was there, and they could watch her open them. It worked out really well, and everyone was really excited to be a part of it. You deserve to have something like this, I say go for it!
 
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01-12-2013 at 8:10 PM
MkWaltrip1...
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And now that I reread your post, you could have a few meeting locations set up in addition to your moms so your mother in law could have a group of people, and anyone else you think that would be central to some others. I've used Oovoo, a free video conferencing system for several different groups of folks...
 
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01-12-2013 at 8:10 PM
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I have never heard of this. And being in Charleston, I know LOTS of military families. 

We are plane rides (with a layover) away from all of our family and I traveled to my showers.

Also, those who did not come or were not invited all sent things to DS after he was born.  
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01-12-2013 at 8:12 PM
PalmettoBa...
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Why couldn't you just travel to your mom's for the shower?  
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01-12-2013 at 8:12 PM
graciesmur...
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This is a good question for the Military Families board.  You'll have a lot more people know exactly what you're going through and offer better advice.
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01-12-2013 at 8:13 PM
ashfann
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I know, I had never heard of it either. We are of course plane rides away, but not with the means to purchase plane tickets months before baby, not to mention I am severely claustrophobic and have near panic attacks on airplanes. Not a good thing when you're about to pop.
 
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01-12-2013 at 8:29 PM
Estwd2
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This is the kind of thing I think could work for certain families. This ended up sorta kinda happening to me. I was all set to travel up to my parents 6 hours away for my shower when Hurricane Irene hit. I couldn't go, but my family all decided to have the party anyway. They drank, they ate, and I watched them via Skype. They thought it was pretty funny. My mom drove the gifts to me a few weeks later.

I think if your mom floats the idea past a few family members and gets positive responses, then go right ahead. I personally think it should be kept pretty informal. I don't think I'd send formal invites or even have decorations and favors and all that jazz. I'd keep it like a casual family gathering where you all just happen to gather around the webcam.

ETA...I also would not invite everyone from all over. You never know how people will take these things. I would keep it to the family near your mom who will be at her house in person. It's also just easier to coordinate that way. Video conferencing with a ton of people can be a huge PITA.
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01-12-2013 at 8:35 PM
PalmettoBa...
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Estwd2:
This is the kind of thing I think could work for certain families. This ended up sorta kinda happening to me. I was all set to travel up to my parents 6 hours away for my shower when Hurricane Irene hit. I couldn't go, but my family all decided to have the party anyway. They drank, they ate, and I watched them via Skype. They thought it was pretty funny. My mom drove the gifts to me a few weeks later. I think if your mom floats the idea past a few family members and gets positive responses, then go right ahead. I personally think it should be kept pretty informal. I don't think I'd send formal invites or even have decorations and favors and all that jazz. I'd keep it like a casual family gathering where you all just happen to gather around the webcam.

I don't know whether to feel bad for you or laugh!  To the original poster, I guess  if your mom is going to do it, this is the best advice.  The formal invites to "friends and family all over" (ones you know can't attend your mom's gathering) sounds kind of like a major gift grab.  
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01-12-2013 at 9:10 PM
Estwd2
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PalmettoBaybee:
I don't know whether to feel bad for you or laugh!
Eh, go ahead and laugh. It's pretty funny.
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01-12-2013 at 9:28 PM
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PalmettoBaybee:
The formal invites to "friends and family all over" ones you know can't attend your mom's gathering sounds kind of likeI a major gift grab. nbsp;
this is the part I REALLY don't like. I dont like the idea of the absentee shower in the first place, but of your going to do it, I still think the "guest" list should be limited to truly your closest friends and family. Not everyone you know.
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01-12-2013 at 9:55 PM
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No.

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01-12-2013 at 10:13 PM
QueSyrah
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That's just weird to me. If I got invited to that, I wouldn't go. I'm assuming all these people know you are pregnant? If so, they'll send you gifts if they want to.

Is there a reason you can't travel home for a shower?

ETA: after reading follow ups....if you can't afford to travel home for a shower I'd be more worried about supporting the baby after it's born than I would be about how to have a shower. Buy a car seat, crib, some clothes, some diapers and call it a day. Everything else is just extra and can wait until you really need it. You can also shop second hand.
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01-13-2013 at 12:18 AM
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Honestly, these seem a little strange to me and hard to coordinate. It seems like there could be a lot of technical issues and I don't think I would attend one as a guest. I buy gifts for all my friends and family for every baby. If I'm invited to a shower, I bring the gift. If I'm not invited I ship a gift.

I think you should go ahead and set up a registry and if anyone asks, you can let them know where you're registered. Them I would just send out birth announcements after baby arrived.
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01-13-2013 at 1:10 AM
cinderin
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honestly, it sounds like a gift-grab. I wouldn't do it.

It sounds like you cannot afford the baby. I would look into some local charities and see if you can get assistance. Good luck to you.  
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01-13-2013 at 3:28 AM
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My SIL shower was held over Skype, everyone sent gifts in advance.

We had food/drinks and skyped with her, she was living on the other side of the world at the time.  Since she couldn't afford to fly back it worked really great!

 
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01-13-2013 at 4:16 AM
rhubarb123
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I've not been in your situation (although have family all over the map and only invited those within a 5 hour driving range) but have had friends who were in your situation (they didn't have showers).  They still got tons of gifts sent to them though.

Is it possible for your mom and MIL to coordinate and have something at your MIL's.  Your mom would only have a 300 mile drive then?  You would have a 5 hour?  5 hours is not bad at all (I just did a 6 hour 1 way for a funeral this last week and was surprised how quickly the time went). 

I agree with some of the others that an "absentee" shower is gift grabby.  People WILL send  you gifts without there being a shower.
 
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01-13-2013 at 9:10 AM
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I get it, I am military as well. I did not have a bridal shower, since I lived 3000 miles from family. I got more gifts than I could have imagined. When I was pregnant with my first, I traveled 500 miles to my baby shower with family. So my point is, family bought me stuff whether I had a party or not.

I guess Skype could be an option, but for some reason when I read your post it sounded to me more like your mom wanted to have a party more so than she actually wanted to do something for you. Why can't your mom use the money that she would spend on her party to give to you, or to fly out and see you and help with the baby?
 
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01-13-2013 at 9:50 AM
discobelle
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If I couldn't attend the shower myself, then I wouldn't have one.

I didn't travel cross country to have a shower back home for my first son.  People sent us plenty of gifts anyway on their own accord.  We didn't need to invite anyone to send gifts.
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01-13-2013 at 10:03 AM
Adam&Eve2
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Please don't do this, its tacky. Think about it from your friends and families point of view. How would you feel being invited to a shower where the mother to be isn't going to be there?

It sounds really awkward to me, and what do you get someone that lives 800 miles away? Do you get them a gift card? Do you get them something off the registry and then mail it or have it delivered to a store near them? Then you don't even get to see the mother to be open the present. That is what I look forward to when I buy some one a gift. 

The whole thing is tacky and awkward. Tell your mom thanks but no thanks. 



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01-13-2013 at 10:05 AM
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It doesn't really matter if any of us have gone through with something like this...it matters what type of family and friends you have. Are they the type that will be mad and see it as gift grabby...or are they the type to support you in any way possible. I think this is what you need to base it on.

 

And as for the invitations...that is something for the host to worry about so it is up to her on how she will word it, The only thing you need to worry about is stocking up on thank you cards.
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01-13-2013 at 10:07 AM
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cinderin:

honestly, it sounds like a gift-grab. I wouldn't do it.

It sounds like you cannot afford the baby. I would look into some local charities and see if you can get assistance. Good luck to you.  

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01-13-2013 at 10:09 AM
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MkWaltrip15:
And now that I reread your post, you could have a few meeting locations set up in addition to your moms so your mother in law could have a group of people, and anyone else you think that would be central to some others. I've used Oovoo, a free video conferencing system for several different groups of folks...

Great so now more family can spend more money and time hosting an awkward shower. Are all of these meeting locations supposed to have food and decorations and games and cake too? Or are they just gonna have chairs that are pointed toward a screen and camera?

 



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01-13-2013 at 10:13 AM
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jnjmommy0609:

It doesn't really matter if any of us have gone through with something like this...it matters what type of family and friends you have. Are they the type that will be mad and see it as gift grabby...or are they the type to support you in any way possible. I think this is what you need to base it on.

I agree- but this is also why I feel that IF they do this, it needs to be SMALL. I highly, highly doubt that "everyone" she knows is going to be cool with this.  She may know that her close friends and family wouldn't care- and as such, they should be the only ones invited.

Andplusalso - this goes back to another point.  If people want to buy a gift, they don't need a shower to do so.  They will buy a gift regardless.

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01-13-2013 at 10:14 AM
Adam&Eve2
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PunkyBooster:

I have never heard of this. And being in Charleston, I know LOTS of military families. 

We are plane rides (with a layover) away from all of our family and I traveled to my showers.

Also, those who did not come or were not invited all sent things to DS after he was born.   

I traveled to my shower too. My mom threw one for me and so DH and I used it as reason to visit for a little while. His side of the family didn't throw me a shower so I only had one, and I am okay with that. 

All of this makes you sound a little gift grabby. If you have to be the center of attention then make the journey after your LO gets here and have a meet the baby party...oh but wait that kind of thing isn't a gift giving event so I guess that won't work for you.  



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01-13-2013 at 11:00 AM
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Never heard of such a thing, and I was in a similar circumstance. MH is AD Army and our closest family lives 7+ hrs away from us. A few work friends of mine threw a small get-together about 2wks before my due date. No family was involved. Same deal when we got married, and we were living 9hrs from the nearest family; a few work friends threw a lingerie shower, with no family involvement. We may have a meet-the-baby open house when we do travel to see family this spring, but IMO that is not a gift-giving event.

We did complete a baby registry on Amazon for the completion discount. We ended up receiving a lot of gifts from far-away family and friends after LO was born, which was very generous and unexpected. IMO, this, along with the much sadder fact that our LO will not be as close with her extended family due to the distance, was a sacrifice I made when I married an Army officer.
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01-13-2013 at 11:16 AM
MkWaltrip1...
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Adam&Eve2:

MkWaltrip15:
And now that I reread your post, you could have a few meeting locations set up in addition to your moms so your mother in law could have a group of people, and anyone else you think that would be central to some others. I've used Oovoo, a free video conferencing system for several different groups of folks...

Great so now more family can spend more money and time hosting an awkward shower. Are all of these meeting locations supposed to have food and decorations and games and cake too? Or are they just gonna have chairs that are pointed toward a screen and camera?

 

 

Doesn't have to be anything over the top at all. This concepts works with close family and friends. I suggested that her mom could hold one, and her mother in law could hold one, so those closest could be involved. When my friend did it, yes, they had chairs gathered round, pointed at the screen that was projected on the wall and it was very interactive. Everyone got to see the mom to be open their gifts. Wasn't gift grabby at all. It was thoughtful, because due to circumstances everyone was able to enjoy time with her even though they weren't in the same room. No need to spend money on expensive food. Just make BBQ and bake a cake for the guests. IMO it's a cool way for mom to be to experience something she would otherwise have to miss out on.  
 
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01-13-2013 at 11:33 AM
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Just, no.
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