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01-14-2013 at 3:47 PM
dmbaf69
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Long Rant about Friends

I know I may catch criticism for this one, but here goes:

My best friend from grade school has been making a series of bad decisions. Being her best friend, this does affect me. She dropped out of college because "the people in her program were weird". We were living together, and she asked to pay less rent because her job didn't pay her enough. I conceded. She moved out earlier than when our lease was up to save money (sticking me with the full rent for 2 months).

She moves home, and everytime I call her she's yelling at her mom like a 15 year old. She starts dating this guy who has tons of baggage/history. Fine, not my business but he is creepy when I hang out with him and I'm worried about his intentions. Anyway, I keep my mouth shut. About a year ago, she calls me frantic, she's possibly pregnant and shes freaking out because they have no money and she isnt ready. I help her along, give her advice, and turns out shes not pregnant.  Everyone's relieved. I talk to her about it after the fact, and she's talking like a teenage girl who slept through health class. I get firm with her and say "dont have unprotected sex if you cant be a mom right now" and she says "well you know how it is, condoms arent sexy and i dont like taking birth control". I again tell her be careful.

Low and behold, shes pregnant now! Yay....but I'm not happy for her. I feel like shes being totally reckless and selfish. She tells me and I have to react happy and it was killing me. I ask her what they are going to do (another day) and their solution was her and her boyfriend and her boyfriends son move into her parent's home...in the basement.

Now the shower comes up. Her mother and sister are throwing her a shower. I am helping with decorations. I looked at her registry and there is ton of EXPENSIVE items on there. This infuriates me.

Along with all of the changes that have hurt our friendship, now I'm just fed up. I feel like her friendship has just been grandfathered in because of how long we've known each other. Emotionally, I've given up. But it's so hard to tell her that or try to let the friendship just fade away.

Now that I'm pregnant as well, she's making plans on our babies growing up together. I don't want that to happen. That's about it. 


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01-14-2013 at 4:00 PM
nycnola
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Yikes. I would probably just let the friendship fade away. Finish your commitment to the shower, do NOT buy her an expensive gift, though. And gradually become less available. It's not worth the fight in my opinion. I recently let go of my best friend, who is also DD's Godmother, and after a certain point the fight just wasn't worth the stress. Good luck, and I'm sorry :(

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01-14-2013 at 4:04 PM
RussianMom...
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time to do the fade out

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01-14-2013 at 4:12 PM
grace_smit...
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nycnola:
Yikes. I would probably just let the friendship fade away. Finish your commitment to the shower, do NOT buy her an expensive gift, though. And gradually become less available. It's not worth the fight in my opinion. I recently let go of my best friend, who is also DD's Godmother, and after a certain point the fight just wasn't worth the stress. Good luck, and I'm sorry :(

This.  SO sorry about all the crap you've had to put up with...you gave her plenty of time to CHANGE.  Now is the time to fade out, (after the shower, and I agree with the inexpensive gift) before she asks for anything more.   

01-14-2013 at 4:15 PM
dande2129
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Honestly, I don't think you sound like the greatest friend to her, and she is obviously not the kind of person that you want in your life, so why not severe ties?

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01-14-2013 at 4:19 PM
LittlemsD
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RussianMommy:
time to do the fade out

This. I had a friend that I was close to since 1sy grade until a few years after graduation from HS that did a lot of the things your friend is doing. It's not worth the emotional strain. I stuck it out longer than I should have and was glad when I finally decided to fade her out.

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01-14-2013 at 4:20 PM
livefreelo...
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Wow, I feel like you may have just re-iterated my recent experiences with a friend (with some different details, obviously, but same gist).  My friend continuously makes bad choices for herself and her son, refuses to work, and thinks the world owes her everything...just overall sense of misplaced entitlement and unwillingness to change the things in her life that she incessantly complains about. 

Little things turn into big things, especially when people don't learn from their mistakes or keep repeating the same actions that are causing problems to begin with.  I kept trying to be reasonable and tell myself that I either need to accept people the way they are or choose to not have them in my life, which I do think is true.  However, after a certain amount of frustration and repetitive problems of the same caliber, I think it is fair to choose to not have someone in your life.  People come and go and some people fit your life very well at one point, but do not at a different point.  It sounds like you continue to grow and grow up and she just never changes or evolves.  I chose to cut my friend out of my life, as she was only bringing negativity to it and now, more than ever, is a time to make decisions like that for the sake of your sanity and your family.

 
01-14-2013 at 4:22 PM
kbeamer25
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I can relate with your arrival at the "Friend or Foe" mark in life. I had a similar situation occur when a good friend of mine moved into my place, minus the pregnancy on her end. I felt like I was there for her through a lot when she was staying with me, and I have to admit the friendship was reciprocated to an extent, but since I've been pregnant, I rarely hear from her. I have to admit the lack of follow through continues on my end as well though, so I am equally as quilty. Why does that happen?? :)

I think we enter into certain friendships at times because they provide us with a sense of completetion, self assurence, envy, or simply just companionship through times of struggle. One thing I strive and consider a strong standard when investing my time and heart into any realtionship or friendship is integrity. I know its so hard and sometimes leads to the downfall of a friendship, but my advice would be to stay respectfully aloof when you're feeling emotions of resentment for her decisions. If you value her friendship and you are presented the opportunity, tell her how you feel honestly, as a voice of reason- just try to maintain cooth and compassion.

I always tell people I work with, family members, friends, even my boyfriend- If I'm doing something that's causing a tilt in our relationship please tell me. Even if I don't like the confrontation or might possibly try to argue it, I'd rather know than continue performing poorly. Might help :) and you sound like the stronger of you two when it comes to character, she might actually take strong consideration in what you're saying because she probably looks up to you.

Good luck!!


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01-14-2013 at 4:22 PM
elizabethn...
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dande2129:
Honestly, I don't think you sound like the greatest friend to her, and she is obviously not the kind of person that you want in your life, so why not severe ties?

 

This. Or, quit being so judgy and don't put yourself in a position to be taken advantage of.  I have a good friend whose personality drives me crazy, but I keep boundaries up and enjoy the friendship we do have.


Hx of PTL and GD, deliveries at 35 and 37 weeks. On P17 shots and modified bedrest now, a few scares but LO is hanging tough! ! Three beautiful children; 17, 13, and 9, and very excited to be pregnant with DH first child after a tough year of TTC and fertility treatments. 
01-14-2013 at 4:57 PM
heddy79
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RussianMommy:
time to do the fade out

This.  I'm currently going through this with a very close friend.  I can't sit by and watch her continue to make any more bad decisions.  I'm fading out subtley becuase I have no intentions of her hurting her feelings, but I'm done trying to help someone that won't help themselves.  I've stopped reaching out to her, but I still answer her calls/texts which are becoming fewer and fewer.  GL.


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01-14-2013 at 5:08 PM
ehicks
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I think once we start moving on to this new part of our lives it is pretty natural to grow tired of things we once looked over with our friends. We grow out of friendships... some survive because the other person learns to grow too, or they just naturally fade out.

I went through this with a good friend when I had DD. She had a baby when she was younger and I really tried to step up and be there for her. I paid for an organized her baby shower. She didn't even show up to mine. I brought her dinners to her house when she complained about how hard pregnancy was and how tired she was all the time... I have lived in two houses with DH and she has yet to see any other them.

Once DD was born things just naturally faded away between us. Texting became further and further between and even though I made some effort to see her, she made zero effort to ever come over. So we just lost touch.

See if this happens organically. It hurts. And she will feel bad about it and notice the distance. But its up to you what to do past that.  


 
01-14-2013 at 5:14 PM
ggatlanta
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Sounds like you've grown apart. Another vote for cutting her off, slowly if need be. With all the big life changes you are both going through, now would be an easy time to do it anyway.

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01-14-2013 at 5:19 PM
PeanutR1
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dande2129:
Honestly, I don't think you sound like the greatest friend to her, and she is obviously not the kind of person that you want in your life, so why not severe ties?

Yeah, one of those horrible friends who pays your bills when you drop the ball and help throw your shower. I hate b*tches like that!  

 Huh??  And it's sever. 

 
01-14-2013 at 5:23 PM
verovladam...
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RussianMommy:
time to do the fade out

 

Yup. Had to do this with a friend of mine. She only called when she was having a terrible day, and every time I texted her to tell her something I got a text back about how awful her life was. How her husband didn't do anything, her kid didn't listen, blah blah. Never any support when I needed help. Finally, she flipped out on me over something in a way that I could not let go. Friends don't talk to each other like that.

Haven't spoken to her since, and I feel pretty good about it. A little sad because she was my maid of honor and I was hers, but I've always secretly felt that she was a friend of convenience. Feeling a lot better now.


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01-14-2013 at 5:37 PM
MrsJelly
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elizabethnseanny:

dande2129:
Honestly, I don't think you sound like the greatest friend to her, and she is obviously not the kind of person that you want in your life, so why not severe ties?

 

This. Or, quit being so judgy and don't put yourself in a position to be taken advantage of.  I have a good friend whose personality drives me crazy, but I keep boundaries up and enjoy the friendship we do have.

How is the OP not sounding "like the greatest friend" ???? She tried to help her through tough times, tried to give her advice, tried to help her grow up and take responsibility....and her friend continues to act like a child.

OP - sometimes people just grow up at different rates. I have a friend that irritates the sh*tt outta me because we are the same age and she acts like a complete immature 15 year old and it is DRAINING. I just get sick of hearing her crap to be honest, but I continually try...somewhere I have this hope that she'll suddenly realize she is an adult and needs to work for things instead of whine and get them done for her! HA!

Anyways...I don't get the two poster I quoted saying you don't sound like the greatest friend...what are you supposed to do? High five her for thinking condoms aren't sexy?!?!? 

 
01-14-2013 at 5:38 PM
Zippydoo
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I would just buy her a couple of outfits and I would start to not to call her anymore.
 
01-14-2013 at 6:16 PM
Bride-hild...
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It seems like you kind of enabled her bad behavior when you were living together. But you've stood up to her since then so that's good.

I don't see anything wrong with her putting expensive items on her registry. It doesn't mean YOU have to spend a lot of money on her. 

01-14-2013 at 6:28 PM
hatroopes
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dande2129:
Honestly, I don't think you sound like the greatest friend to her, and she is obviously not the kind of person that you want in your life, so why not severe ties?

What in her OP made you come to the conclusion that she is not the greatest friend? Yes, she is being judgy, but who wouldn't judge in situation? It doesn't make you a bad friend.

OP, I agree with PPs - finish helping out with the shower since you started already. Get her a gift card or some inexpensive item from her registry and fade her out of your life if you think you are through with the friendship. This is life and sometimes it's what needs to be done. 


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01-14-2013 at 7:17 PM
elizabethn...
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MrsJelly:
elizabethnseanny:

dande2129:
Honestly, I don't think you sound like the greatest friend to her, and she is obviously not the kind of person that you want in your life, so why not severe ties?

 

This. Or, quit being so judgy and don't put yourself in a position to be taken advantage of.  I have a good friend whose personality drives me crazy, but I keep boundaries up and enjoy the friendship we do have.

How is the OP not sounding "like the greatest friend" ???? She tried to help her through tough times, tried to give her advice, tried to help her grow up and take responsibility....and her friend continues to act like a child.

OP - sometimes people just grow up at different rates. I have a friend that irritates the sh*tt outta me because we are the same age and she acts like a complete immature 15 year old and it is DRAINING. I just get sick of hearing her crap to be honest, but I continually try...somewhere I have this hope that she'll suddenly realize she is an adult and needs to work for things instead of whine and get them done for her! HA!

Anyways...I don't get the two poster I quoted saying you don't sound like the greatest friend...what are you supposed to do? High five her for thinking condoms aren't sexy?!?!? 



My opinion of her not being a great friend is her focus on their past instead of how to help her grow up. Obviously she's already made up her mind about the girl and has no respect for her, and its rude to keep acting like her friend.

Hx of PTL and GD, deliveries at 35 and 37 weeks. On P17 shots and modified bedrest now, a few scares but LO is hanging tough! ! Three beautiful children; 17, 13, and 9, and very excited to be pregnant with DH first child after a tough year of TTC and fertility treatments. 
01-14-2013 at 7:51 PM
JSS1002
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I'm so sorry.  It is hard whne the people who have always been your best friends turn into people you wouldn't be friends with if you met them today.  I've been there.

I guess just start to slowly distance yourself.  She sounds increidbly immature and selfish.


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01-14-2013 at 10:39 PM
Rosebean
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nycnola:
Yikes. I would probably just let the friendship fade away. Finish your commitment to the shower, do NOT buy her an expensive gift, though. And gradually become less available. It's not worth the fight in my opinion. I recently let go of my best friend, who is also DD's Godmother, and after a certain point the fight just wasn't worth the stress. Good luck, and I'm sorry :(

 

honestly, why would you waste your time and energy by going through the motions of supporting her through her shower.... then "fade out".  A shower should be surrounded by people who support you, and if you don't support her, then please just end it before then. I think that with the longevity of your relationship, you at least owe the both of you some closure. I have had to break it off with some friends during some key and important times during my life because our paths were just so different. Sadly enough, we never realize this until the bigger things in life occur.

 Obviously your friend has a lot of growing up to do and is very one sided in your "relationship". I can guarantee you, it will feel better for you to avoid going through the motions of "pretending" to still be her friend during her shower when all you want is out. If my bestie wanted a clean break from me, but staged a fake smile, it would be more painful and I wouldn't understand. And she won't ever understand a fade out or what went wrong unless you explain it to her. And it's okay to break away, "burn the bridge" and go your own path, because you never know... Sometimes if things were meant to be... You may just reconnect down the road when she has caught up to your level of growth... 


Life was wonderful before you came along. Now I can't imagine how much more spectacular it will be when you come into our lives.  
01-14-2013 at 10:49 PM
Rosebean
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MrsJelly:

 How do you "help someone grow up"? Obviously OP has tried to help the girl by giving her some talks about better choices... And her friend chose not to bother trying. Her friend won't grow up unless she herself CHOOSES to... Plain and simple. You can't force anyone to grow up until they are ready. OP: if you are ready to move on with your life, then it is time to move on, and good friend or not, your energy is better spent on a friend who isn't selfish and solely focused on her own needs.  


Life was wonderful before you came along. Now I can't imagine how much more spectacular it will be when you come into our lives.  
01-15-2013 at 5:54 AM
ohlordy
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grace_smith03:

nycnola:
Yikes. I would probably just let the friendship fade away. Finish your commitment to the shower, do NOT buy her an expensive gift, though. And gradually become less available. It's not worth the fight in my opinion. I recently let go of my best friend, who is also DD's Godmother, and after a certain point the fight just wasn't worth the stress. Good luck, and I'm sorry :(

This.  SO sorry about all the crap you've had to put up with...you gave her plenty of time to CHANGE.  Now is the time to fade out, (after the shower, and I agree with the inexpensive gift) before she asks for anything more.   

Had to put up with? It's a choice to "put up" with people and their shiit. Don't victimize OP in this situation because she chose to continue this friendship for as long as she did. It's just time to cut her losses and move on. 

I really hope I am overlooking some sarcasm in your response ... 


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01-15-2013 at 9:18 AM
AimnJus917
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MrsJelly:
elizabethnseanny:

dande2129:
Honestly, I don't think you sound like the greatest friend to her, and she is obviously not the kind of person that you want in your life, so why not severe ties?

 

This. Or, quit being so judgy and don't put yourself in a position to be taken advantage of.  I have a good friend whose personality drives me crazy, but I keep boundaries up and enjoy the friendship we do have.

How is the OP not sounding "like the greatest friend" ???? She tried to help her through tough times, tried to give her advice, tried to help her grow up and take responsibility....and her friend continues to act like a child.

OP - sometimes people just grow up at different rates. I have a friend that irritates the sh*tt outta me because we are the same age and she acts like a complete immature 15 year old and it is DRAINING. I just get sick of hearing her crap to be honest, but I continually try...somewhere I have this hope that she'll suddenly realize she is an adult and needs to work for things instead of whine and get them done for her! HA!

Anyways...I don't get the two poster I quoted saying you don't sound like the greatest friend...what are you supposed to do? High five her for thinking condoms aren't sexy?!?!? 

Yes, indeed, give her the high 5. LOL That made me chuckle. I agree with all of this and OP is indeed a great friend. ITA with pp's to do the shower, get her a gift and then slowly fade out from there.  Heck, you're having a baby soon and won't have time for her anyway.  It will fade out naturally.


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01-15-2013 at 9:31 AM
vaness1229
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I've had a very similar experience. Almost identical. Unfortunately, our friendship faded out last year. She hasn't even texted me to congratulate me on this new baby which is a little hurtful. I do miss her and I still worry about her. But, I must say, my life is a little less stressful because I'm not dealing with her constant drama.

Good luck to you. I think you've been more than a great friend to her, but, unfortunately, it sounds like she has a lot of growing up to do and that is not something you can help her with.


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01-15-2013 at 12:31 PM
highlights
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AimnJus917:
MrsJelly:
elizabethnseanny:

dande2129:
Honestly, I don't think you sound like the greatest friend to her, and she is obviously not the kind of person that you want in your life, so why not severe ties?

This. Or, quit being so judgy and don't put yourself in a position to be taken advantage of.  I have a good friend whose personality drives me crazy, but I keep boundaries up and enjoy the friendship we do have.

How is the OP not sounding "like the greatest friend" ???? She tried to help her through tough times, tried to give her advice, tried to help her grow up and take responsibility....and her friend continues to act like a child.

OP - sometimes people just grow up at different rates. I have a friend that irritates the sh*tt outta me because we are the same age and she acts like a complete immature 15 year old and it is DRAINING. I just get sick of hearing her crap to be honest, but I continually try...somewhere I have this hope that she'll suddenly realize she is an adult and needs to work for things instead of whine and get them done for her! HA!

Anyways...I don't get the two poster I quoted saying you don't sound like the greatest friend...what are you supposed to do? High five her for thinking condoms aren't sexy?!?!? 

Yes, indeed, give her the high 5. LOL That made me chuckle. I agree with all of this and OP is indeed a great friend. ITA with pp's to do the shower, get her a gift and then slowly fade out from there.  Heck, you're having a baby soon and won't have time for her anyway.  It will fade out naturally.

A high five to the back of the head?

OP, continue with your commitment to the shower. At the very least, you are following through on your word. But then I would definitely work into the fade out. I'm guessing it will happen anyway when your children are born, but it sounds like you are just not compatible anymore.


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