I would not throw your own or have DH throw one. You are right, it is incorrect for you or DH to throw your own party asking for gifts. 

I would say, unless someone (who will actually do it) offers to throw the shower, then you shouldn't have one.

I am sorry that you don't have enough money to buy the needed items for your baby. I would look into local charities and see if you can get some items there. I would also look into buying some items (clothes) used at a consignment shop (or thrift store). 

Babies to not need a lot of the "extras" that people end up with. Stick to the basics. I have heard "Baby Bargains" is a good book. Maybe you can find it at a local library (so you don't have to buy it). 

Good luck to you.  

The $300+ you spend hosting a decent shower will buy a lot of diapers for your baby.  People who want to buy you a present will do so without being invited to spend their money. 

cinderin:

I would not throw your own or have DH throw one. You are right, it is incorrect for you or DH to throw your own party asking for gifts. 

I would say, unless someone (who will actually do it) offers to throw the shower, then you shouldn't have one.

I am sorry that you don't have enough money to buy the needed items for your baby. I would look into local charities and see if you can get some items there. I would also look into buying some items (clothes) used at a consignment shop (or thrift store). 

Babies to not need a lot of the "extras" that people end up with. Stick to the basics. I have heard "Baby Bargains" is a good book. Maybe you can find it at a local library (so you don't have to buy it). 

Good luck to you.  

I agree you or your husband should not throw your own shower.  If your cousin truly wants to throw one and is willing to pay for it (not you) then maybe you could give her some guidance.  She could certainly get books at the library or if she has access to a computer there are a lot of ideas via google.  A shower can be as simple as punch and cake and a few decorations.  As long as there is seating and something for people to do.  If they all know each other they will most likely just talk or she could have them play some simple games (also via google).

You can find a lot of gently used items for baby by going to Mom's To Mom's sales and also the Salvation Army.  I had 3 showers and still shopped at these places.  Good luck.

BallSox:

The $300+ you spend hosting a decent shower will buy a lot of diapers for your baby.  People who want to buy you a present will do so without being invited to spend their money. 

Yep! Also, if money is tight, check out craigslist or garage sales for any of the things you may truly need.

You're right, it's tacky to do it.  Him throwing it for you is the same as you throwing it.  It's a bummer that you probably won't get a shower, if your cousin doesn't go through with it, but so be it.

There are a ton of good bargains out there--Craigslist, local resale places, etc.--that can help you get the necessities.  Better to spend your money on the things you need than decorations and food for a shower.

Also, people who want to get you gifts, will get you gifts, shower or no.  I had a shower for my first and also got gifts from others I never expected, so you may be pleasantly surprised at what people will give you even without a shower. 

LtlAngL:

It would be a financial difficulty for us to just buy all the baby stuff by ourselves, but we could slowly just get most of the stuff we need on our own.

Bummer dude. But it's not your friends and family that chose to get KU

What I don't get is how you don't have money to buy baby stuff but you have money to throw yourselves a shower.

It's never okay to throw your own shower.

It's time to start budgeting for providing what your baby needs.  It's part of being a parent.   

MrsNorry:

What I don't get is how you don't have money to buy baby stuff but you have money to throw yourselves a shower.

Yup.

EastCoastBride:

MrsNorry:

What I don't get is how you don't have money to buy baby stuff but you have money to throw yourselves a shower.

Yup.

Yeah, I don't get this.

A baby shower isn't a rite.  And it's your responsibility to buy stuff for your own kid.  If no one offers, you don't get one.  Sorry.

MrsNorry:

What I don't get is how you don't have money to buy baby stuff but you have money to throw yourselves a shower.

 

 Very easy - we're not poor, we just can't go to BRU and drop 2K on cribs and travel systems, car seats, etc all in one shot. We can easily get one "big ticket item" every 2 weeks when we get our paychecks, (obviously it will be easier getting certain things from a thrift shop, as pp's mentioned - like a baby bjorn, bouncer - since you don't use them for very long) and diapers/wipes really aren't an issue. I guess I worded the statement wrong. 

LtlAngL:

MrsNorry:

What I don't get is how you don't have money to buy baby stuff but you have money to throw yourselves a shower.

 

 Very easy - we're not poor, we just can't go to BRU and drop 2K on cribs and travel systems, car seats, etc all in one shot. We can easily get one "big ticket item" every 2 weeks when we get our paychecks, (obviously it will be easier getting certain things from a thrift shop, as pp's mentioned - like a baby bjorn, bouncer - since you don't use them for very long) and diapers/wipes really aren't an issue. I guess I worded the statement wrong. 

Has your cousin expressed any interest in throwing the shower? If she's willing and able, then by all means go ahead and give her some guidance, but paying for it yourself is pointless. Like PP said, the money that you would spend throwing your own shower could be used instead to buy stuff for your baby, and not being able to buy all the bells and whistles doesn't make throwing your own shower any less tacky. You got pregnant, so it is your responsibility to provide for your child. I know that it's a little disappointing not getting a shower, but such is life. 

I've bought quite a few things on CL and on sale, so check that out. Also, I would steer clear of BRU in general if you are on a budget because you can find just about everything they have cheaper somewhere else. 

ETA: You also don't need to have everything before the baby gets here. Initially all the baby needs are diapers/clothes, a place to sleep, and a food source (breast milk or formula). Everything else can wait and be acquired slowly when you have the money. 

LtlAngL:

MrsNorry:

What I don't get is how you don't have money to buy baby stuff but you have money to throw yourselves a shower.

 

 Very easy - we're not poor, we just can't go to BRU and drop 2K on cribs and travel systems, car seats, etc all in one shot. We can easily get one "big ticket item" every 2 weeks when we get our paychecks, (obviously it will be easier getting certain things from a thrift shop, as pp's mentioned - like a baby bjorn, bouncer - since you don't use them for very long) and diapers/wipes really aren't an issue. I guess I worded the statement wrong. 

Um, yeah, because this makes you sound even better.... 

Most normal people can't go to BRU and just drop 2k.  But that's whats great about pregnancy - you have NINE months to compile everything you need.  NINE months.

So, really, this argument makes even less sense and makes you seem more greedy. 

 YOUR choice to have a kid = YOUR responsibility.  A shower is a gift that not every woman gets. 

Eh, I understand just wanting a shower. I'm not going to jump down your throat for being bummed. I missed my shower and I was really bummed about it, so I get it. You're allowed to be a little sad.

But yeah, your instincts are right about not throwing your own. Your DH is sweet to offer. It doesn't sound like he's intentionally trying to be gift grabby; he's just trying to make you feel better. So just explain to him that it's not proper for you to throw your own, thanks, but no thanks. For now I'd just let it be. If someone steps up and they're serious about it, great. If not, oh well. You might be bummed for a bit, but totally fine without a shower. I'm sorry your other hostesses backed out. I hate when people offer to host something they can't follow through with.

LtlAngL:

MrsNorry:

What I don't get is how you don't have money to buy baby stuff but you have money to throw yourselves a shower.

 

 Very easy - we're not poor, we just can't go to BRU and drop 2K on cribs and travel systems, car seats, etc all in one shot. We can easily get one "big ticket item" every 2 weeks when we get our paychecks, (obviously it will be easier getting certain things from a thrift shop, as pp's mentioned - like a baby bjorn, bouncer - since you don't use them for very long) and diapers/wipes really aren't an issue. I guess I worded the statement wrong. 

 

Also, real life isn't Hollywood. At showers, you generally don't get "big ticket items". We bought our own crib, glider, dresser, etc.  the "big" gifts were from our parents and included a cradle and changing table. Definitely not the "must haves". Other friends and family will buy toys, blankets, and LOTS of clothes. Showers are more for fun gifts - I don't understand why people think all of their needs will be met by them.  

EastCoastBride:

LtlAngL:

MrsNorry:

What I don't get is how you don't have money to buy baby stuff but you have money to throw yourselves a shower.

 

 Very easy - we're not poor, we just can't go to BRU and drop 2K on cribs and travel systems, car seats, etc all in one shot. We can easily get one "big ticket item" every 2 weeks when we get our paychecks, (obviously it will be easier getting certain things from a thrift shop, as pp's mentioned - like a baby bjorn, bouncer - since you don't use them for very long) and diapers/wipes really aren't an issue. I guess I worded the statement wrong. 

Um, yeah, because this makes you sound even better.... 

 

Most normal people can't go to BRU and just drop 2k.  But that's whats great about pregnancy - you have NINE months to compile everything you need.  NINE months.

So, really, this argument makes even less sense and makes you seem more greedy. 

 YOUR choice to have a kid = YOUR responsibility.  A shower is a gift that not every woman gets. 

That's fine with me. I really wanted to show my DH that it's a bad idea to throw our own shower, and the angrier you get, the more he sees my point - he didn't believe me because my SIL (the one with the twins) and her DH threw their own shower, and when she told us that she couldn't help with ours, she suggested the same thing for us.  In all honesty, I didn't even figure this out until DH told me and I looked back at her invitation and realized her DH was the person to RSVP to. At the time, I just texted him to let him know we were coming and didn't think twice about it. 

My cousin is interested in doing it, but doesn't know how - luckily, her 23 year old friends don't have any children for her to have acquired this experience! The friend that was going to throw it originally said that she could help, but doesn't have time to plan the whole thing, so she could probably be assigned a task like coming up with games or making invitations. One of my bridesmaids also said she can make decorations or bake a cake or something, but can't plan the whole thing. I just don't feel right telling my cousin specific instructions on who to ask to do what - don't most people have no involvement in their showers anyway??

A shower doesn't have to be expensive. My SIL's shower was in a VFW, and all the relatives brought trays of food for everyone. My DH is a firefighter, and can get permission to let my cousin use the firehouse for free to throw a party if she wants...but again, I don't feel right being so involved

 

LtlAngL:

EastCoastBride:

LtlAngL:

MrsNorry:

What I don't get is how you don't have money to buy baby stuff but you have money to throw yourselves a shower.

 

 Very easy - we're not poor, we just can't go to BRU and drop 2K on cribs and travel systems, car seats, etc all in one shot. We can easily get one "big ticket item" every 2 weeks when we get our paychecks, (obviously it will be easier getting certain things from a thrift shop, as pp's mentioned - like a baby bjorn, bouncer - since you don't use them for very long) and diapers/wipes really aren't an issue. I guess I worded the statement wrong. 

Um, yeah, because this makes you sound even better.... 

 

Most normal people can't go to BRU and just drop 2k.  But that's whats great about pregnancy - you have NINE months to compile everything you need.  NINE months.

So, really, this argument makes even less sense and makes you seem more greedy. 

 YOUR choice to have a kid = YOUR responsibility.  A shower is a gift that not every woman gets. 

That's fine with me. I really wanted to show my DH that it's a bad idea to throw our own shower, and the angrier you get, the more he sees my point - he didn't believe me because my SIL (the one with the twins) and her DH threw their own shower, and when she told us that she couldn't help with ours, she suggested the same thing for us.  In all honesty, I didn't even figure this out until DH told me and I looked back at her invitation and realized her DH was the person to RSVP to. At the time, I just texted him to let him know we were coming and didn't think twice about it. 

My cousin is interested in doing it, but doesn't know how - luckily, her 23 year old friends don't have any children for her to have acquired this experience! The friend that was going to throw it originally said that she could help, but doesn't have time to plan the whole thing, so she could probably be assigned a task like coming up with games or making invitations. One of my bridesmaids also said she can make decorations or bake a cake or something, but can't plan the whole thing. I just don't feel right telling my cousin specific instructions on who to ask to do what - don't most people have no involvement in their showers anyway??

A shower doesn't have to be expensive. My SIL's shower was in a VFW, and all the relatives brought trays of food for everyone. My DH is a firefighter, and can get permission to let my cousin use the firehouse for free to throw a party if she wants...but again, I don't feel right being so involved

 

 

Your 23 year old cousin "not knowing how" is a cop out. She's not 5. If she really wanted to throw it, she'd put her big girl panties on and figure it out. It's really just "throwing a brunch party". If she's 23 and can't manage throwing a small party.... That's a whole different issue in social skills  

PeanutR1:

 

Your 23 year old cousin "not knowing how" is a cop out. She's not 5. If she really wanted to throw it, she'd put her big girl panties on and figure it out. It's really just "throwing a brunch party". If she's 23 and can't manage throwing a small party.... That's a whole different issue in social skills  

Seriously.  It's a shower, not rocket science.  We live in the age of Google and Pinterest.  It shouldn't be hard to figure out. 

I don't understand why people are being so bratty about this.
I'm lucky, I have three sisters who all planned and pitched in and threw a lovely small shower at my mother's house. Then my MIL threw me another huge shower after baby was born foe her friends and family who couldn't make it to the first one.
And no, you don't get a bunch of big ticket items (though my grandparents bought a gorgeous crib and DH's parents bought a matching glider) but it's nice! Shower games are fun and celebrating new life is lovely.
For someone who has never thrown a shower before, it IS a lot of responsibility. There are games to plan and food to order/make and decorations. And there is nothing wrong with giving your cousin contact info for your sister-in-law and friend so they can help her. It is a lot of responsibility for one person, so let them do it together. And if they need help? There's nothing wrong with asking DH. It's 2013.

You all have your panties in a bunch and it's not your shower or your place to say what's not okay. Showers aren't about asking for gifts. But babies go through a lot of clothes and they need a lot of diapers, and it's nice to receive those things.

So, OP, if you want a shower, it doesn't matter what these people say. Have one! You're not inviting us, anyway. My sister moved to Sweden with her boyfriend (he's Swedish) and her two kids. They came home for Christmas and she hinted to me that she would like a shower! "Proper etiquette" is that you only receive one shower, but her last baby was born 9 years ago, she doesn't have any baby stuff, and she's living thousands of miles from her family.

Sometimes, you throw "traditional" out the window and go for "nontraditional," it's more fun that way ;)

discobelle:

It's never okay to throw your own shower.

It's time to start budgeting for providing what your baby needs.  It's part of being a parent.   

A-men to that.

I don't know why some women think they're entitled to showers.  Not everyone has them.  If no one offers and actually follows through with it you just don't get a shower, you certainly don't host one for yourself.  Save the money and buy your own stuff.  If people want to buy things for you on thier own, they will.

cflorida10:

 
Sometimes, you throw "traditional" out the window and go for "nontraditional," it's more fun that way ;)

Here, let me help you:

cinderin:

I would not throw your own or have DH throw one. You are right, it is incorrect for you or DH to throw your own party asking for gifts. 

I would say, unless someone (who will actually do it) offers to throw the shower, then you shouldn't have one.

I am sorry that you don't have enough money to buy the needed items for your baby. I would look into local charities and see if you can get some items there. I would also look into buying some items (clothes) used at a consignment shop (or thrift store). 

Babies to not need a lot of the "extras" that people end up with. Stick to the basics. I have heard "Baby Bargains" is a good book. Maybe you can find it at a local library (so you don't have to buy it). 

Good luck to you.  

This. 100%

Do not throw your own shower. Do not let your DH throw a shower. Showers in no way guarantee that you'll get the things you need for your baby anyway. Start scouting thrift stores and craigslist. Buy your own things. Do NOT ask anyone to throw you a shower. If they offer, you can accept, but do NOT ask or guilt ANYONE into throwing the shower for you.

cflorida10:

You all have your panties in a bunch and it's not your shower or your place to say what's not okay. Showers aren't about asking for gifts. But babies go through a lot of clothes and they need a lot of diapers, and it's nice to receive those things.

Shower are actually exactly about asking for gifts. They are parties intended to shower a new mother-to-be with gifts. That's it. It is a parent's responsibility to buy every last thing their child needs. Not anyone else's.

cflorida10:

I don't understand why people are being so bratty about this.I'm lucky, I have three sisters who all planned and pitched in and threw a lovely small shower at my mother's house. Then my MIL threw me another huge shower after baby was born foe her friends and family who couldn't make it to the first one.And no, you don't get a bunch of big ticket items though my grandparents bought a gorgeous crib and DH's parents bought a matching glider but it's nice! Shower games are fun and celebrating new life is lovely.For someone who has never thrown a shower before, it IS a lot of responsibility. There are games to plan and food to order/make and decorations. And there is nothing wrong with giving your cousin contact info for your sisterinlaw and friend so they can help her. It is a lot of responsibility for one person, so let them do it together. And if they need help? There's nothing wrong with asking DH. It's 2013.You all have your panties in a bunch and it's not your shower or your place to say what's not okay. Showers aren't about asking for gifts. But babies go through a lot of clothes and they need a lot of diapers, and it's nice to receive those things.So, OP, if you want a shower, it doesn't matter what these people say. Have one! You're not inviting us, anyway. My sister moved to Sweden with her boyfriend he's Swedish and her two kids. They came home for Christmas and she hinted to me that she would like a shower! "Proper etiquette" is that you only receive one shower, but her last baby was born 9 years ago, she doesn't have any baby stuff, and she's living thousands of miles from her family. Sometimes, you throw "traditional" out the window and go for "nontraditional," it's more fun that way ;

Oh dear Lord...

Let's start with the obvious: she asked for our opinions and we gave them, so it is in fact our place to say that it is inappropriate to throw your own shower. Next, showers are ALL about gifts. It is a gift giving event, so that is the point. Lastly, of course diapers are expensive. That's why responsible people make sure that they can afford children before they have them.

My advice: Don't throw your own shower and don't try and cobble together friends who will throw one for you by committee with your oversight. All of that sounds tacky and stressful.

For baby things: Set a budget and start to save money each month. Buy things at garage sales and CL and on sale. You wouldn't get big ticket items at a shower anyway. Besides, if you can't set aside a few bucks each month for baby supplies, how are you going to afford child care? Child care is the cost that freaks me out the most! Not all the baby stuff.

ETA: And do not ask people (even relatives) to bring food. That is the height of tacky to me...bring me a present and something for everyone to eat! Ugh.

cflorida10:

I don't understand why people are being so bratty about this.
I'm lucky, I have three sisters who all planned and pitched in and threw a lovely small shower at my mother's house. Then my MIL threw me another huge shower after baby was born foe her friends and family who couldn't make it to the first one.
And no, you don't get a bunch of big ticket items (though my grandparents bought a gorgeous crib and DH's parents bought a matching glider) but it's nice! Shower games are fun and celebrating new life is lovely.
For someone who has never thrown a shower before, it IS a lot of responsibility. There are games to plan and food to order/make and decorations. And there is nothing wrong with giving your cousin contact info for your sister-in-law and friend so they can help her. It is a lot of responsibility for one person, so let them do it together. And if they need help? There's nothing wrong with asking DH. It's 2013.

You all have your panties in a bunch and it's not your shower or your place to say what's not okay. Showers aren't about asking for gifts. But babies go through a lot of clothes and they need a lot of diapers, and it's nice to receive those things.

So, OP, if you want a shower, it doesn't matter what these people say. Have one! You're not inviting us, anyway. My sister moved to Sweden with her boyfriend (he's Swedish) and her two kids. They came home for Christmas and she hinted to me that she would like a shower! "Proper etiquette" is that you only receive one shower, but her last baby was born 9 years ago, she doesn't have any baby stuff, and she's living thousands of miles from her family.

Sometimes, you throw "traditional" out the window and go for "nontraditional," it's more fun that way ;)

You probably threw your own shower didn't you?  Or demanded a lot from your hostesses.  Who are the ones being a brat? Oh wait you are.   

Traditional or nontraditional, etiquette still stands as it is.  It doesn't change according to the times or to a certain set of circumstances.  Please get a clue. 

LtlAngL:

MrsNorry:

What I don't get is how you don't have money to buy baby stuff but you have money to throw yourselves a shower.

 

 Very easy - we're not poor, we just can't go to BRU and drop 2K on cribs and travel systems, car seats, etc all in one shot. We can easily get one "big ticket item" every 2 weeks when we get our paychecks, (obviously it will be easier getting certain things from a thrift shop, as pp's mentioned - like a baby bjorn, bouncer - since you don't use them for very long) and diapers/wipes really aren't an issue. I guess I worded the statement wrong. 

So...do that? What's the obsession with buying it all at once?