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01-17-2013 at 10:31 AM
PinkandLov...
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PinkandLove77 is not online. Last active: 05-23-2013, 2:09 PMNewbie

I Need Impartial Opinions Please .. (NBR)

As you can tell, I am very much just a lurker. I intro'd back in the summer when I found out I was pregnant and am now 33 weeks. But this question isn't about me. 

My neighbor's residents consist of a great grandmother, a grand mother (the house owner), her son, his girlfriend and their 9 month old girl. The father is 36, has had drug addiction problems all his life and has been in and out of jail. He does not work and even though he claims to be on the methodone program, we all suspect he's using again.

The mother is 20. She aged out of her foster home at 18 and moved to my state and lived on the streets. So my neighbors took her in and that's the only reason the two of them "hooked up." She never graduated high school and is HIGHLY uneducated for her age.

This POOR baby girl. That's my main concern, but I don't know what action I should take. These are just some things "outsiders" have noticed.

*She's always been underweight at her check ups (her doctor says she's just petite)

*Three of them are SEVERE smokers and the baby lives in that every day. Her eyes always look red/irritated and she has breathing difficulties when she gets fussy/upset

*She doesn't make eye contact when talked to. She just looks all around you or looks at your neck/other area. You can see she never looks at your mouth or eyes.

*She doesn't smile when smiled at or talked to playfully. Her facial expression never changes.

 

Anyway, these are just some of the issues that are easily explained but there are more. We've been keeping an eye on her since she was a few months. I just don't know what to do? If I should do anything at all?

Maybe flame me for letting her to to 9 months without intervention, but I just can't bring myself to be "that person" that gets her taken away.

Any help is appreciated! TIA. 

 
01-17-2013 at 10:37 AM
MrsWindyCi...
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I don't think there is much to do. If the doctor says her weight is okay, then it's fine. My DS was always low on the growth charts (still is) and eats like he's not going to see food for another 2 weeks. The smoking, while it really sucks, isn't illegal. My kid also hates strangers and always has. When he was little, he would cry around anyone he didn't see on a regular basis. Now, he will still stay away from them, not smile or talk, etc. (even though he doesn't stop talking on a regular basis, lol). It's just how he is. He would be the same way around random neighbors.

Of course if you see things like her riding around without a car seat, or anything like that that really impacts her safety (and again, I realize smoking can impact your health, but there is not a whole lot you can do about it), then by all means get involved and call CPS. But at the moment, I just don't think there is really much to be done over neighbor speculation/hearsay.  


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01-17-2013 at 10:53 AM
LindseyDD7...
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LindseyDD716 is not online. Last active: 04-19-2013, 1:29 PMNewbie

I am a teacher and becasue of this I am a mandatory reporter so I have had to report suspected cases of abuse on several different occations.

This is obviously bothering you so if you honestly feel that the childs needs are not being met then call CPS and give someone else the chance to assess the situation.  They aren't going to take her away just because you called they will just come out take and look and make a report that you can then reference if there are any issues in the future.

Like the PP said there isn't much you can do about the smoke, and if the doctor isn't concerned about her weight then there isn't much you can do there either.  So I am not sure how much CPS would really do just on your hunch that something isn't right.  But it might make you feel better.

Good Luck!  It is a tough situation to be in but it does feel better to atleast talk to someone.


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01-17-2013 at 10:55 AM
faithfaery
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faithfaery is not online. Last active: 04-08-2013, 11:45 AMNewbie

It's possible the little girl is shy, or she could be stunted developmentally. Is she only not responding to you, or do you see that she doesn't respond to the family either?

I know of a young mom who's daughter is over 2 and doesn't speak. There are issues with the parenting (mom had baby at friend's house and was yelling at whiney little girl to be quiet ... because it was 10 at night and girl's bedtime was 7.) Girl says a handful of words, and the general agreement from friends and family is lack of interaction. But that doesn't mean she should be taken away.

If you see things that are potentially harmful to the child, then CPS needs to be called. But an uneducated young mom and possibly drug addicted dad don't immediately equate to a dangerous situation, even with the added cigarette smoke. Unless dad is doing drugs around the girl, or mom's lack of knowledge leads to her handling the girl unsafely, you may just need to zip your lip and pray she grows up unscathed by lack of proper parenting. 


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01-17-2013 at 11:07 AM
JJ3813
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Maybe keep an eye on it a little longer to look for more red flags. Like others have mentioned, there's not really any proof of something illegal going on even though it is understandably difficult to see.

I've been dealing with a similar struggle with our neighbors. The youngest is very tiny and has had a terrible cough for weeks. The other children rarely get on the school bus in the morning and they do not have a car so it's safe to assume they aren't attending regularly since it's too far to walk there (might get on the bus 1-2x a week). They're constantly outside in the snow with insufficient clothing (shorts and t-shits), and they stay up until all hours of the night...we've been woken up by screams and doors slamming at 2am, but after a few minutes of listening, we have realized they are playing and not in any danger. 

That is never how I personally would raise my children, but even though what they are doing may be considered morally wrong, they're not doing anything legally wrong. I continue to have one ear and one eye open out of concern though.  

 
01-17-2013 at 11:13 AM
+adamwife+
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+adamwife+ is not online. Last active: 05-23-2013, 6:22 PMSilver

I would mind my own business.  Everything they are doing (while completely irresponsible) is also legal.  Unless you see abuse or neglect with your own eyes, you need to stay out of it.  CPS is busy enough with legitimate cases.

Also, they are at least going to the doctor.  And I would think if there was a developmental problem he or she would detect it.

01-17-2013 at 11:17 AM
blansaw
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It's a difficult situation when you want to be there for all the children who aren't loved as much as you think they should be.  You could always hotline them if you suspect abuse or drugs in the home.  It is anonymous. I just don't know if that would be enough though.  If they are taking her to her check ups and the Dr thinks she ok and doesn't see any signs of abuse then there isn't much ground for you to stand on.  Also, smoking is not an illegal act.  I don't know what state you live in, but where I live people can still smoke in public places and it's up to the parent to make the judgment for their children.  And although I have never met the little lady, the lack of smiling and eye contact may be a personality issue.  Do some soul searching and I hope you find the right answer within your heart.

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01-17-2013 at 11:35 AM
grace_smit...
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grace_smith03 is not online. Last active: 05-23-2013, 4:36 PMSilver
Heartbreaking. Wish  i could give you concrete advice...the only thing you can do (most likely) is keep your eyes open for illegal activity, and being there for her...try to get her to reference (looking at your eyes and lips), and over-react for her. (excited, etc...as you say she has a deadpan expression all the time) Sounds like she's on the cusp of autism. (pervasive sensory disorder, otherwise non-specified)  Also be on the look-out for poor social skills, not talking, sensitive to loud noises like planes, vacuums, fascination with fans.
01-17-2013 at 11:54 AM
letzgoraci...
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letzgoracing81 is not online. Last active: 04-15-2013, 5:14 PMNewbie

I think at this point it is about the lesser of two evils.   Do you think this little girl would be better off in the Foster Care system?  It isn't a perfect system...it really should only be used if you see actual abuse going on.

I know it is rough to watch a helpless baby and worry her needs are not getting met.  I am sorry you have to witness this.  I would just keep an eye on things, you can always report them if it reaches a critical point.

Until then???  Try to be a bright spot in this little girl's life.  When you come in contact with her-try to show her love and light.   I know you aren't really family....and you can't really take responsibility for her.  But in those moments when you are around her try to give her what she needs in some small way.

 
01-17-2013 at 1:21 PM
PinkandLov...
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PinkandLove77 is not online. Last active: 05-23-2013, 2:09 PMNewbie
faithfaery:

It's possible the little girl is shy, or she could be stunted developmentally. Is she only not responding to you, or do you see that she doesn't respond to the family either?

I know of a young mom who's daughter is over 2 and doesn't speak. There are issues with the parenting (mom had baby at friend's house and was yelling at whiney little girl to be quiet ... because it was 10 at night and girl's bedtime was 7.) Girl says a handful of words, and the general agreement from friends and family is lack of interaction. But that doesn't mean she should be taken away.

If you see things that are potentially harmful to the child, then CPS needs to be called. But an uneducated young mom and possibly drug addicted dad don't immediately equate to a dangerous situation, even with the added cigarette smoke. Unless dad is doing drugs around the girl, or mom's lack of knowledge leads to her handling the girl unsafely, you may just need to zip your lip and pray she grows up unscathed by lack of proper parenting. 

 

She has always been this way with any person. Her mom, friends & family, strangers. She just stares at them, but rarely makes eye contact and doesn't interact or smile.

Thanks for your input, it seems to be the consensus.  

 
01-17-2013 at 1:25 PM
PinkandLov...
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PinkandLove77 is not online. Last active: 05-23-2013, 2:09 PMNewbie

grace_smith03:
Heartbreaking. Wish  i could give you concrete advice...the only thing you can do (most likely) is keep your eyes open for illegal activity, and being there for her...try to get her to reference (looking at your eyes and lips), and over-react for her. (excited, etc...as you say she has a deadpan expression all the time) Sounds like she's on the cusp of autism. (pervasive sensory disorder, otherwise non-specified)  Also be on the look-out for poor social skills, not talking, sensitive to loud noises like planes, vacuums, fascination with fans.

 It's funny you mentioned autism. That's what I believe she could have warning signs for. She's only 9 months but the signs could be there. And the fans/ceiling fans!!!! She stares at them for long minutes at a time. She stared at our ceiling fan for 15 minutes once with a blank expression on her face. 

I really love her and enjoy being around her but I feel like I can never make her happy since she doesn't laugh! It's like she's an adult not laughing at your jokes, silence. It feels awkward and she's a baby lol 

 
01-17-2013 at 1:31 PM
PinkandLov...
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PinkandLove77 is not online. Last active: 05-23-2013, 2:09 PMNewbie

Thanks everyone for your responses. The consensus seems to be to stay out of it and I will. We all keep a friendly eye on her, but it's heartbreaking. 

 Her dad swore he'd get a job when they became pregnant .. worked for 2 weeks and never went back. And that was his first job since being out of jail 2 years ago. He is SO lazy and worthless. He doesn't even help with the baby. 

Only one (out of all those people) have an income .. and it's an "under the table" job. Not a great one.

I could go on forever but you all seem to feel how bad it is. Thank you again for your understanding. I was happy to babysit her for a few hours this morning just to get her in some healthy air! 

 
01-17-2013 at 2:49 PM
lindseylov...
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I don't think there is anything you can do. It's not against the law to smoke (no matter how disgusting & unhealthy it is) around a baby, or anyone for that matter. While I'm sure it is affecting her, & she probably will have asthma in her future, it's not illegal.

There are lots of people out there who probably shouldn't be parents, the father in this situation sounds like a perfect example. As uneducated as the mother may be, you didn't mention that she was using drugs or anything like that so being uneducated doesn't mean she doesn't have the potential to be a good mother. Maybe she just needs an example of what a mother is supposed to be like.


The weight of the baby isn't an issue to the doctor, at least they're taking her to the doctor...some people don't even do that. So I wouldn't worry about that.
Every baby is different, this one could just be behind. Theres also the chance of autism, etc, etc all of which is out of the parent's control.

Just be an example to her, keep being watchful, she more than likely hasn't had a good example of a mother in her life if she was in foster care. Unless she had a good foster mother, that is. If there isn't proof of abuse, you can't do anything.


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01-17-2013 at 3:41 PM
3sthecharm
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JJ3813:

Maybe keep an eye on it a little longer to look for more red flags. Like others have mentioned, there's not really any proof of something illegal going on even though it is understandably difficult to see.

I've been dealing with a similar struggle with our neighbors. The youngest is very tiny and has had a terrible cough for weeks. The other children rarely get on the school bus in the morning and they do not have a car so it's safe to assume they aren't attending regularly since it's too far to walk there (might get on the bus 1-2x a week). They're constantly outside in the snow with insufficient clothing (shorts and t-shits), and they stay up until all hours of the night...we've been woken up by screams and doors slamming at 2am, but after a few minutes of listening, we have realized they are playing and not in any danger. 

That is never how I personally would raise my children, but even though what they are doing may be considered morally wrong, they're not doing anything legally wrong. I continue to have one ear and one eye open out of concern though.  

Not educating your child in the us is illegal. Truancy is illegal. Letting kids play in the snow without sufficient clothing on a regular basis is neglect.
 
01-17-2013 at 3:44 PM
Runaway22
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Runaway22 is not online. Last active: 05-24-2013, 1:24 AMSilver

Like PPs said, it doesn't sound like any action can really be taken. And honestly, though her current situation is clearly nowhere near ideal, she could end up far worse off going through the CPS system. Don't get me started on dysfunctional foster homes. The parents might not smoke around the kids, but there are often high, high rates of abuse of all kinds, ranging from physical to emotional to sexual, often perpetrated by other kids who had been removed from abusive homes. Sometimes foster care via CPS saves lives, but it can also potentially do more harm than good. Just something to consider...

They are taking her to the doctor, which is a very good sign. It's sad when we see kids receive subpar care - heartbreaking, even - but it doesn't sound like she's experiencing any real "abuse."  


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01-18-2013 at 5:57 AM
grace_smit...
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grace_smith03 is not online. Last active: 05-23-2013, 4:36 PMSilver
PinkandLove77:

grace_smith03:
Heartbreaking. Wish  i could give you concrete advice...the only thing you can do (most likely) is keep your eyes open for illegal activity, and being there for her...try to get her to reference (looking at your eyes and lips), and over-react for her. (excited, etc...as you say she has a deadpan expression all the time) Sounds like she's on the cusp of autism. (pervasive sensory disorder, otherwise non-specified)  Also be on the look-out for poor social skills, not talking, sensitive to loud noises like planes, vacuums, fascination with fans.

 It's funny you mentioned autism. That's what I believe she could have warning signs for. She's only 9 months but the signs could be there. And the fans/ceiling fans!!!! She stares at them for long minutes at a time. She stared at our ceiling fan for 15 minutes once with a blank expression on her face. 

I really love her and enjoy being around her but I feel like I can never make her happy since she doesn't laugh! It's like she's an adult not laughing at your jokes, silence. It feels awkward and she's a baby lol 

The flat affect, the no expressions of joy, ceiling fans, failure to reference...all classic.

Does the mother care?  Or has she checked out?  Early Intervention can do WONDERS for this child as long as the pediatrician is informed of the signs, and there is follow-thru by the parents.

Good luck. It must be heartbreaking.  Thank you for taking on this responsibility. 

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