allierhiana1:

Oh, I get it.  Maybe next time I'll find someone to draw more pictures so that it can keep your attention. 

BallSox:

allierhiana1:

Oh, I get it.  Maybe next time I'll find someone to draw more pictures so that it can keep your attention. 

Now we're talkin! ;) 

BallSox:

4) "I never had a shower with my first!"
     Well, that stinks that you missed out on that experience.  I never had a big sweet sixteen party, maybe I should have one now? 

I agree with pretty much everything you said.

The only thing I would like to add is that I have seen some posters (when arguing the case FOR a subsequent baby shower or a shower for a 2nd baby) saying things like "just because I did/have/ had  (any one of your common exceptions) doesn't make me any less deserving of a baby shower..."

Here's the thing.  No one deserves a baby shower.  Not a first time mom, even.  Showers are gifts.  They are not to be expected and should be appreciated when they are thrown (for you). 

I am appalled by the entitlement issues that some people seem to have.

Love this. I'm throwing a dance party in your honor on both posts.

Helenahhandbasket:

Here's the thing.  No one deserves a baby shower.  Not a first time mom, even.  Showers are gifts.  They are not to be expected and should be appreciated when they are thrown (for you). 

I am appalled by the entitlement issues that some people seem to have.

But I'm appalled at the entitlement that surrounds showers now, and how they've now become these events that people seem to put on par w/ weddings.  "Rites of passage", etc.  

Ugh.  They aren't.  They simply aren't at that level of importance.  

Nice list - I don't necessarily agree with all of it, but I like that it's not judgmental and simply informative. 

#3 in the Common Exceptions is a big one in my area - I've grown up with nearly everyone I know having a second shower for their second child - it's not a question of etiquette around here, it's just tradition, so I grew up with it. Usually a member of the church offers to throw it and it's fun to get together - I've even been the co-hostess of a couple of second/third baby showers, so I don't mind it, but that's because it's something that's always been done.

Usually it involves the family of the parents and the women in their Sunday School class (people who would give a gift anyway, so it's just a fun reason to get together). It's definitely not people sending out invites to every person they know in the hopes of receiving a gift :).

I grew up with etiquette drummed into me (it was practically a daily class where I live lol!), but I never knew second showers were such a hot-button issue until I came here - I wonder if it's a geographical thing...? I'm being entirely serious when I say that - I live in the south and I've learned over the years that we do a lot of things differently down here :).

I agree with what you said - if you have to ask or you're not comfortable with it, it's not appropriate for your situation. 

EastCoastBride:

Helenahhandbasket:

Here's the thing.  No one deserves a baby shower.  Not a first time mom, even.  Showers are gifts.  They are not to be expected and should be appreciated when they are thrown (for you). 

I am appalled by the entitlement issues that some people seem to have.

Yup.  I do wish that everyone had someone in their life who would throw this for them.  It can be a fun event/ time in your life - I get the desire to have a shower.

But I'm appalled at the entitlement that surrounds showers now, and how they've now become these events that people seem to put on par w/ weddings.  "Rites of passage", etc.  

Ugh.  They aren't.  They simply aren't at that level of importance.  

 

Totally to the bolded.  I hope I didn't sound harsh-- and I personally was really fortunate to have a lovely shower.  But not everyone has a big family, or a big social circle, or the funds/ space / time to throw a baby shower. 

It's not a requirement for having a baby.  You (general you) didn't "miss out" on having something that's completely, totally and utterly A GIFT.

BallSox:

3) My family/church always have showers for each child.  

     Then why are you asking if it's ok?  If you grew up in a family where this is the norm, then there should be no question to you about whether or not it's ok.  If you're asking strangers if it's ok, then you obviously feel uncomfortable about it which leads me to the last section. 
 

You have summed-up some standard beliefs and practices (at least as the appear in TB Community). But...what about when someone doesn't ask "is this tacky?" What about when they come here and celebrate a fun shower or ask something shower related but only mention it is a second shower?  That is what drives me batty, is how many here gleefully JUMP on the chance to tell them they are being tacky.  That is rude.

Granted this is coming from someone who is getting a shower for her THIRD in a couple weeks...yup! My boys are 11 & 5 and this will be our one and only girl (breaking all sorts of rules here). It will be 6 friends & my sister (my sis and 2 friends have known me through all 3 pregnancies but the others have not) and it will be a casual girls night in, with snacks and chit chat. No one's arm was twisted and everyone invited asked if I was having a shower. And it is being called a shower and not a "sprinkle" because everyone would ask "WTF is a sprinkle??" And because it makes me think of pee.

I'm pretty excited to hang out with my friends before this baby turns our world upside down!! 

+ASH+:

Nice list - I don't necessarily agree with all of it, but I like that it's not judgmental and simply informative. 

#3 in the Common Exceptions is a big one in my area - I've grown up with nearly everyone I know having a second shower for their second child - it's not a question of etiquette around here, it's just tradition, so I grew up with it. Usually a member of the church offers to throw it and it's fun to get together - I've even been the co-hostess of a couple of second/third baby showers, so I don't mind it, but that's because it's something that's always been done.

Usually it involves the family of the parents and the women in their Sunday School class (people who would give a gift anyway, so it's just a fun reason to get together). It's definitely not people sending out invites to every person they know in the hopes of receiving a gift :).

I grew up with etiquette drummed into me (it was practically a daily class where I live lol!), but I never knew second showers were such a hot-button issue until I came here - I wonder if it's a geographical thing...? I'm being entirely serious when I say that - I live in the south and I've learned over the years that we do a lot of things differently down here :).

I agree with what you said - if you have to ask or you're not comfortable with it, it's not appropriate for your situation. 

Ballsox-You forgot one thing, people who live in the South claiming it is a "southern thing" and then other people who live in the South saying this is ridiculous. 

CougFan:

BallSox:

3) My family/church always have showers for each child.  

     Then why are you asking if it's ok?  If you grew up in a family where this is the norm, then there should be no question to you about whether or not it's ok.  If you're asking strangers if it's ok, then you obviously feel uncomfortable about it which leads me to the last section. 
 

You have summed-up some standard beliefs and practices (at least as the appear in TB Community). But...what about when someone doesn't ask "is this tacky?" What about when they come here and celebrate a fun shower or ask something shower related but only mention it is a second shower?  That is what drives me batty, is how many here gleefully JUMP on the chance to tell them they are being tacky.  That is rude.

 

I think there are the occasions where people jump on unrelated posts, but honestly, I think it's fair to say that this is the minority.  Most people that come on here are asking questions about "is it ok if....".  The cases when they don't come on here asking about if it is tacky it seems like they are coming on because they are planning their own shower (in some sense, even if it's just "coming up with ideas") and that usually spawns the debate around who is hosting, etc. 

I think it is rare for someone to come on and say "Hey, this is a great idea!" and someone to just randomly jump on and say "You're having a second shower--how tacky!" 

For example, your get together with your friends sounds awesome.  I'm assuming it was their idea and it's small and low-key.  You didn't come on here asking about a poem to tell your guests that you have everything that you need from your first two kids and you just want diapers and books for this third one.  YKWIM?

caladpi02:

+ASH+:

Nice list - I don't necessarily agree with all of it, but I like that it's not judgmental and simply informative. 

#3 in the Common Exceptions is a big one in my area - I've grown up with nearly everyone I know having a second shower for their second child - it's not a question of etiquette around here, it's just tradition, so I grew up with it. Usually a member of the church offers to throw it and it's fun to get together - I've even been the co-hostess of a couple of second/third baby showers, so I don't mind it, but that's because it's something that's always been done.

Usually it involves the family of the parents and the women in their Sunday School class (people who would give a gift anyway, so it's just a fun reason to get together). It's definitely not people sending out invites to every person they know in the hopes of receiving a gift :).

I grew up with etiquette drummed into me (it was practically a daily class where I live lol!), but I never knew second showers were such a hot-button issue until I came here - I wonder if it's a geographical thing...? I'm being entirely serious when I say that - I live in the south and I've learned over the years that we do a lot of things differently down here :).

I agree with what you said - if you have to ask or you're not comfortable with it, it's not appropriate for your situation. 

Ballsox-You forgot one thing, people who live in the South claiming it is a "southern thing" and then other people who live in the South saying this is ridiculous. 

 

I did not "claim" it's a southern thing - as you can see in the part that you bolded, I was asking if it was a geographical thing - as a lot of traditions are. I was also being polite in my reply, even if I didn't agree with all the points, so I don't see a reason to be rude about it. I have never heard anyone "in the South saying this is ridiculous." As I stated in my post, this is an occurrence in my town (not my family), so it is something I've grown up with.

I also agree with a PP that it is a natural inclination for some (not all and probably not even a large percentage) on this particular sub-board to jump all over someone for not thinking the exact same way they do. I find it in extremely poor taste for people to talk about etiquette and then turn everything into unnecessary drama. And I am not directing that comment to anyone in particular because I don't know each commenter personally and I have no idea if it's the same person in each thread saying the same thing or not. 

And since I hate unnecessary drama and this will probably be greeted with a snarky comment or two (even though I did not single anyone out and was not thinking of anyone in particular - but if you felt it was directed at you, I'm sorry), I'm going to excuse myself from this particular thread. I hope you ladies all have a wonderful day!

It's interesting because I think 2nd showers are getting to be more the norm, whether that's "right" or not.  And I think part of it is that so many of the "exceptions" are becoming more the norm, too (like, this kid has same mom but dif't dad and his family wants a shower, etc.)  

I'd even add one more "exception"--a friend's husband decided to leave her for another woman while she was 3 mos pregnant with son #2.  We threw her a shower more for showing our continued support of her and helping with her growing family vs. "welcoming" her to motherhood.  (Look, we couldn't have a "let's slash his tires" party.) 

I mention this because I've been to numerous second showers and usually they fit into a gray area, although some have just been the "dif't gender" category.  And I haven't minded (except for one but that was a dif't story) going to any.

Still, for me, my BFF asked if I wanted a shower or sprinkle for DD#2 and I declined, explaining that you really shouldn't have a 2nd shower and she was a bit surprised, because it's become so normal now that it was just assumed she'd throw another one for me (she threw #1.)  

 But another friend I know is trying to get pregnant with #3.  She's had 2 chemical pregnancies and is struggling.  She has 2 sons & wants a daughter. She was in the military and had no shower for the boys.   If she actually gets pregnant AND it's a girl, I'm totally going to throw her at least a sprinkle, because I know her journey, and I know she'd love it.  That's a good reason to throw her a party, I think :)

allierhiana1:

I bet in the time it took you to post that, you could've actually read it.

EastCoastBride:

BallSox:

4) "I never had a shower with my first!"
     Well, that stinks that you missed out on that experience.  I never had a big sweet sixteen party, maybe I should have one now? 

This made me LOL.  Perfect. 

Best part.

Even though I am not a fan of 2nd showers, I had a shower for my 2nd. It was a surprise shower and MIL threw it as it was DH's 1st and as grandma she wanted to host a shower - the attendees were just MIL, SIL, and four other female relatives of DH's. In the end, I didn't think it was tacky.

Also, me and DH are in a couples bible study at church. The ladies in a group do a shower for every baby, but it is just for the ladies in the bible study. We love the excuse to get together to talk, eat, and have cake. The first child we do a real shower, subsequent children people bring smaller gifts like diapers and wipes or gender specific outfits. It's not tacky because we all WANT to do it. 

CougFan:

BallSox:

3) My family/church always have showers for each child.  

     Then why are you asking if it's ok?  If you grew up in a family where this is the norm, then there should be no question to you about whether or not it's ok.  If you're asking strangers if it's ok, then you obviously feel uncomfortable about it which leads me to the last section. 
 

You have summed-up some standard beliefs and practices (at least as the appear in TB Community). But...what about when someone doesn't ask "is this tacky?" What about when they come here and celebrate a fun shower or ask something shower related but only mention it is a second shower?  That is what drives me batty, is how many here gleefully JUMP on the chance to tell them they are being tacky.  That is rude.

Granted this is coming from someone who is getting a shower for her THIRD in a couple weeks...yup! My boys are 11 & 5 and this will be our one and only girl (breaking all sorts of rules here). It will be 6 friends & my sister (my sis and 2 friends have known me through all 3 pregnancies but the others have not) and it will be a casual girls night in, with snacks and chit chat. No one's arm was twisted and everyone invited asked if I was having a shower. And it is being called a shower and not a "sprinkle" because everyone would ask "WTF is a sprinkle??" And because it makes me think of pee.

I'm pretty excited to hang out with my friends before this baby turns our world upside down!! 

See...that is just the thing.  Do you really think those great friends of yours would not have given you/your LO a gift if there wasn't "shower" in the invitation?  I didn't have a second (or third) shower.  I think I actually got way more gifts for my 2nd baby then I did for the first (and I had 3 showers for the first one!!!).  It is just that they came AFTER the birth instead of before.

Spacebunny19:

If she actually gets pregnant AND it's a girl, I'm totally going to throw her at least a sprinkle, because I know her journey, and I know she'd love it. nbsp;That's a good reason to throw her a party, I think :

BallSox:

The bottom line:

2) Ultimately, you have the final right to accept or decline an offer to host a party.  I promise you, your family and friends won't hate you forever.  

If only that were true for everyone. Some people just won't accept "No, thank you"!

ah625:

BallSox:

The bottom line:

2) Ultimately, you have the final right to accept or decline an offer to host a party.  I promise you, your family and friends won't hate you forever.  

If only that were true for everyone. Some people just won't accept "No, thank you"!

Wow.  I didn't know that they would put a gun to your head and make you go. 

"Hey, I want to throw you a shower"
"Wow, that is a really generous offer, but I just don't feel right having a shower for a second baby, everyone was so generous with the first baby, I wouldn't want to impose on them again. Plus, we don't need anything!"
"Oh come on, you still need diapers, don't you? Plus, it's a girl this time and you are going to want all kinds of cute pink dresses! It's no big deal!"
"Well, I do need diapers, but I don't need everyone to buy them for me.  I appreciate your offer but I don't feel right having a shower."
"It's no big deal! I want to do this for you, don't you think this baby needs to be celebrated?"
"I'd love to celebrate the baby once it arrives, but I don't think having a shower again this time around is right for me."

http://www.oprah.com/spirit/How-to-Say-No-Social-Etiquette_2

http://thehalfwaypoint.net/2010/02/fifty-ways-to-say-no/

If you can't figure out how to stand your ground on something this simple, perhaps those links can help.