Because OBVIOUSLY the point of the wedding is the gift, and not the actual... I dunno... CEREMONY that you are inviting people to witness and share.

FFS. 

My favorite is the husband that puts people on the spot for not giving gifts. What a jerk. 

I didn't expect gifts from anyone, and I was super grateful to everyone who gave us something. I can't believe the audacity some people have with their gift-grabbiness.  

We didn't get gifts/cards from some people, and it was strange (in my opinion) but the only people who know are me, Hubby, and my mom who asked what so-and-so gave. I even send small gifts when I cannot attend a wedding, its just what I feel is right.

I have however heard that you are supposed to gift approx. what the couple is spending per head. Not sure if it's true/realistic. But then again, depending on our relationship to the couple, Hubby and I often include both store-bought and home-made gifts. 

But it's your cultural duty! 

I agree, FFS.

coraggiosa:

My favorite is the husband that puts people on the spot for not giving gifts. What a jerk. 

Exactly. and she tries to back out of it by saying he was trying to see if maybe a check got lost in the mail.  Yeah, BS.  You still sound like a whiny brat.

RissNRuss:

We didn't get gifts/cards from some people, and it was strange in my opinion but the only people who know are me, Hubby, and my mom who asked what soandso gave. I even send small gifts when I cannot attend a wedding, its just what I feel is right. I have however heard that you are supposed to gift approx. what the couple is spending per head. Not sure if it's true/realistic. But then again, depending on our relationship to the couple, Hubby and I often include both storebought and homemade gifts.nbsp;

PrimRoseMama:

RissNRuss:

We didn't get gifts/cards from some people, and it was strange in my opinion but the only people who know are me, Hubby, and my mom who asked what soandso gave. I even send small gifts when I cannot attend a wedding, its just what I feel is right. I have however heard that you are supposed to gift approx. what the couple is spending per head. Not sure if it's true/realistic. But then again, depending on our relationship to the couple, Hubby and I often include both storebought and homemade gifts.nbsp;

How is a guest to know how much a couple is spending per head? Why is it am attending guest's business the cost of the wedding?! Isn't that a private matter? I have never heard that a gift is supposed to be equal to the cost per head. Where did this come from? It sounds ridiculous.

I heard it from a friend once. I think it's crap, but I get that it could be a cultural thing.  

PrimRoseMama:

RissNRuss:

We didn't get gifts/cards from some people, and it was strange in my opinion but the only people who know are me, Hubby, and my mom who asked what soandso gave. I even send small gifts when I cannot attend a wedding, its just what I feel is right. I have however heard that you are supposed to gift approx. what the couple is spending per head. Not sure if it's true/realistic. But then again, depending on our relationship to the couple, Hubby and I often include both storebought and homemade gifts.nbsp;

How is a guest to know how much a couple is spending per head? Why is it am attending guest's business the cost of the wedding?! Isn't that a private matter? I have never heard that a gift is supposed to be equal to the cost per head. Where did this come from? It sounds ridiculous.

I've heard of it, but I think you're supposed to just figure the plate cost out based upon the fanciness of the invitation, location and dress code.  It always seemed very weird to me, like the bride and groom were trying to "break even" on the meal.  

MandJS:

PrimRoseMama:

RissNRuss:

We didn't get gifts/cards from some people, and it was strange in my opinion but the only people who know are me, Hubby, and my mom who asked what soandso gave. I even send small gifts when I cannot attend a wedding, its just what I feel is right. I have however heard that you are supposed to gift approx. what the couple is spending per head. Not sure if it's true/realistic. But then again, depending on our relationship to the couple, Hubby and I often include both storebought and homemade gifts.nbsp;

How is a guest to know how much a couple is spending per head? Why is it am attending guest's business the cost of the wedding?! Isn't that a private matter? I have never heard that a gift is supposed to be equal to the cost per head. Where did this come from? It sounds ridiculous.

I heard it from a friend once. I think it's crap, but I get that it could be a cultural thing.  

The OP kept pointing out how she made a point of covering BIL's wedding expenses, as if that was supposed to ensure that they have the $$$ to get her a big gift.  I can see having thoughts of disappointment, especially when it's family, but when you put it out there you can't help but come off as petty and gift grabby. 

RissNRuss:

We didn't get gifts/cards from some people, and it was strange (in my opinion) but the only people who know are me, Hubby, and my mom who asked what so-and-so gave. I even send small gifts when I cannot attend a wedding, its just what I feel is right.

I have however heard that you are supposed to gift approx. what the couple is spending per head. Not sure if it's true/realistic. But then again, depending on our relationship to the couple, Hubby and I often include both store-bought and home-made gifts. 

While I don't think I would go to a wedding w/o bringing a gift, I think the general consensus is that while it's customary, bringing a gift to a wedding is optional.

Re the bolded: are you by any chance from the north east part of the states?  This is something I have always heard (growing up in NY), but I think (or hope) this thinking is outdated, and frankly a bit crass.

DH and I were "honored" to be askedto be in a wedding two years ago. I barely knew the bride, the husband is my SIL's nephew (he's my age) and DH knew NEITHER of them very well. It was mainly to get us to set up/clean up for free. Then they kept telling us, "We don't want gifts, we just want money to buy a house." While setting up, the lovely husband-to-be told my mom (also helping with this wedding from Hades) as she was setting up the gift table (and he just stood there) "If people were too stupid to not read the invitation where it said, 'we prefer money to gifts to help us buy a house', then they shouldn't even be here."

DH made some "house money" (fake money with a picture of House M.D. instead of a president) and put it in a card with a snarky comment... Of course our names weren't attached, but it made me chuckle.

MBush4:

DH and I were "honored" to be askedto be in a wedding two years ago. I barely knew the bride, the husband is my SIL's nephew (he's my age) and DH knew NEITHER of them very well. It was mainly to get us to set up/clean up for free. Then they kept telling us, "We don't want gifts, we just want money to buy a house." While setting up, the lovely husband-to-be told my mom (also helping with this wedding from Hades) as she was setting up the gift table (and he just stood there) "If people were too stupid to not read the invitation where it said, 'we prefer money to gifts to help us buy a house', then they shouldn't even be here."

DH made some "house money" (fake money with a picture of House M.D. instead of a president) and put it in a card with a snarky comment... Of course our names weren't attached, but it made me chuckle.

Holy heck, the entitlement! But I LOVE the bolded part. 

I realize that a wedding/reception is not an event where a gift is "necessary" like a shower is.  It is still tradition with my family/friends and when someone doesn't come with a gift/card that person really stands out (to others).  Of course I knew who gave us a gift or not at our wedding since I sent the thank you's and went off the spreadsheet where we wrote down who gave what.  I had 3 couples out of 75 not give us anything and not that it was a big deal - it was a big surprise as to WHO didn't give us one.  I didn't expect anything from any of the wedding party since they had other expenditures...although every one of them gave us a gift.  I also knew there would be 3 couples that were invited last mnute (my brother's friends) just for them to come eat, drink and dance (so we weren't paying $60 for 6 guests that cancelled last minute that wouldn't be there).  They even went in on a gift card and we thought was so thoughtful and certainly unexpected.

I can't believe the guy who called his guest out on not giving a gift.  I would have loved to have heard the guest's response.  I wonder if the BIL's wife/gf took the "gift" out of  the card before she dropped it in the box.  I have a friend who would have done that at one of her DH's relative's weddings.  lol

Oh ya...I would NEVER attend a wedding without giving a monetary gift...I know how expensive they are and every little bit helps!

rhubarb123:

I realize that a wedding/reception is not an event where a gift is "necessary" like a shower is.  It is still tradition with my family/friends and when someone doesn't come with a gift/card that person really stands out (to others).  Of course I knew who gave us a gift or not at our wedding since I sent the thank you's and went off the spreadsheet where we wrote down who gave what.  I had 3 couples out of 75 not give us anything and not that it was a big deal - it was a big surprise as to WHO didn't give us one.  I didn't expect anything from any of the wedding party since they had other expenditures...although every one of them gave us a gift.  I also knew there would be 3 couples that were invited last mnute (my brother's friends) just for them to come eat, drink and dance (so we weren't paying $60 for 6 guests that cancelled last minute that wouldn't be there).  They even went in on a gift card and we thought was so thoughtful and certainly unexpected.

I can't believe the guy who called his guest out on not giving a gift.  I would have loved to have heard the guest's response.  I wonder if the BIL's wife/gf took the "gift" out of  the card before she dropped it in the box.  I have a friend who would have done that at one of her DH's relative's weddings.  lol

Oh ya...I would NEVER attend a wedding without giving a monetary gift...I know how expensive they are and every little bit helps!

I guess DH and I are the only tacky ones who do this. Granted, we've only done it twice, but hey. That counts towards our tackiness. I mean, silly us, we always hought you get invited becaus people want you there, not because they need the money/gifts to break even. Four years later, I honestly couldn't tell you who didn't give us something. Mainly because I didn't care. The people I cared about came and celebrated with us. And that was all that mattered.

Helenahhandbasket:

RissNRuss:

We didn't get gifts/cards from some people, and it was strange (in my opinion) but the only people who know are me, Hubby, and my mom who asked what so-and-so gave. I even send small gifts when I cannot attend a wedding, its just what I feel is right.

I have however heard that you are supposed to gift approx. what the couple is spending per head. Not sure if it's true/realistic. But then again, depending on our relationship to the couple, Hubby and I often include both store-bought and home-made gifts. 

While I don't think I would go to a wedding w/o bringing a gift, I think the general consensus is that while it's customary, bringing a gift to a wedding is optional.

Re the bolded: are you by any chance from the north east part of the states?  This is something I have always heard (growing up in NY), but I think (or hope) this thinking is outdated, and frankly a bit crass.

 

Yeah, I'm a NYer now... originally CT. I think I heard it from someone on Long Island, but it was awhile back. I think it's weird, personally. I could care less how much a person spent- some of our greatest gifts were homemade personal items. We had alot of weddings to attend the last 2 years, one of which I found out later was over $300/plate for reception costs only. No way we could have afforded the "gift cost" there! We do what we can and try to give something thoughtful- that's my general gift-giving philosophy. 

Helenahhandbasket:

RissNRuss:

We didn't get gifts/cards from some people, and it was strange (in my opinion) but the only people who know are me, Hubby, and my mom who asked what so-and-so gave. I even send small gifts when I cannot attend a wedding, its just what I feel is right.

I have however heard that you are supposed to gift approx. what the couple is spending per head. Not sure if it's true/realistic. But then again, depending on our relationship to the couple, Hubby and I often include both store-bought and home-made gifts. 

While I don't think I would go to a wedding w/o bringing a gift, I think the general consensus is that while it's customary, bringing a gift to a wedding is optional.

Re the bolded: are you by any chance from the north east part of the states?  This is something I have always heard (growing up in NY), but I think (or hope) this thinking is outdated, and frankly a bit crass.

I live in the midwest and have heard it, but I base it off of how close I am. Not my problem that people decide to have a big wedding.  You don't throw a big wedding in anticipation of making money back.

I feel like that OP wanted everyone to know how much money she spent on them to attend. BFD.  You had an open bar and wanted people to enjoy it EXCEPT for the people that didn't bring gifts

Can you imagine what she will be like for her baby shower and gift expectation?   

RissNRuss:

Helenahhandbasket:

RissNRuss:

We didn't get gifts/cards from some people, and it was strange (in my opinion) but the only people who know are me, Hubby, and my mom who asked what so-and-so gave. I even send small gifts when I cannot attend a wedding, its just what I feel is right.

I have however heard that you are supposed to gift approx. what the couple is spending per head. Not sure if it's true/realistic. But then again, depending on our relationship to the couple, Hubby and I often include both store-bought and home-made gifts. 

While I don't think I would go to a wedding w/o bringing a gift, I think the general consensus is that while it's customary, bringing a gift to a wedding is optional.

Re the bolded: are you by any chance from the north east part of the states?  This is something I have always heard (growing up in NY), but I think (or hope) this thinking is outdated, and frankly a bit crass.

 

 

Yeah, I'm a NYer now... originally CT. I think I heard it from someone on Long Island, but it was awhile back. I think it's weird, personally. I could care less how much a person spent- some of our greatest gifts were homemade personal items. We had alot of weddings to attend the last 2 years, one of which I found out later was over $300/plate for reception costs only. No way we could have afforded the "gift cost" there! We do what we can and try to give something thoughtful- that's my general gift-giving philosophy. 

 Yeah.  I live there now.  Unfortunately this thinking is pretty prevalent in my circle, but DH and I don't (and financially can't) follow this way of thinking.

I have friends who have spreadsheets from their wedding reception and consult it before purchasing a gift for their friends.

"Oh, Susie only gave us $200 for our wedding.  She gets $20 for her birthday."

Sometimes, they pull it out to make fun of people.

"Aunt Mildred only gave us $150!!  Can you imagine??  I hope she enjoyed the food the free-loading jerk."

I'm not kidding.  These people are no longer my friends.

They also subscribe to the "cover your plate" rule, which I find asinine at best and downright repugnantly rude at worst.  If you can't afford your damn wedding, then have a cheaper one.  I don't exist to help pay for it.  I exist to help you celebrate it and offer you a token of my appreciation of your invitation and wish you well on your future life.  And I'll express it however I please.  If it's in the form of a $100 check that you find distasteful, I'll happily take it back and assume you're an assjerk for the rest of my life.

Thanks!

Joy2611:

I have friends who have spreadsheets from their wedding reception and consult it before purchasing a gift for their friends.

"Oh, Susie only gave us $200 for our wedding.  She gets $20 for her birthday."

Sometimes, they pull it out to make fun of people.

"Aunt Mildred only gave us $150!!  Can you imagine??  I hope she enjoyed the food the free-loading jerk."

I'm not kidding.  These people are no longer my friends.

They also subscribe to the "cover your plate" rule, which I find asinine at best and downright repugnantly rude at worst.  If you can't afford your damn wedding, then have a cheaper one.  I don't exist to help pay for it.  I exist to help you celebrate it and offer you a token of my appreciation of your invitation and wish you well on your future life.  And I'll express it however I please.  If it's in the form of a $100 check that you find distasteful, I'll happily take it back and assume you're an assjerk for the rest of my life.

Thanks!

I give this a thumbs up because there isn't an applause emoticon.

MBush4:

Joy2611:

I have friends who have spreadsheets from their wedding reception and consult it before purchasing a gift for their friends.

"Oh, Susie only gave us $200 for our wedding.  She gets $20 for her birthday."

Sometimes, they pull it out to make fun of people.

"Aunt Mildred only gave us $150!!  Can you imagine??  I hope she enjoyed the food the free-loading jerk."

I'm not kidding.  These people are no longer my friends.

They also subscribe to the "cover your plate" rule, which I find asinine at best and downright repugnantly rude at worst.  If you can't afford your damn wedding, then have a cheaper one.  I don't exist to help pay for it.  I exist to help you celebrate it and offer you a token of my appreciation of your invitation and wish you well on your future life.  And I'll express it however I please.  If it's in the form of a $100 check that you find distasteful, I'll happily take it back and assume you're an assjerk for the rest of my life.

Thanks!

 

I give this a thumbs up because there isn't an applause emoticon.

Ask and ye shall receive.

I have never heard that a wedding isn't a gift giving event.  I have always thought etiquette dictated it WAS a gift giving event, and it would be in poor taste to attend a reception without a gift. Even more so, I have always been told that I needed to cover my plate, so to speak.

And no joke, I seriously have declined a wedding invite because I was short on funds at the time because of these "rules."

Ya learn something new every day.

PrimRoseMama:

RissNRuss:

We didn't get gifts/cards from some people, and it was strange in my opinion but the only people who know are me, Hubby, and my mom who asked what soandso gave. I even send small gifts when I cannot attend a wedding, its just what I feel is right. I have however heard that you are supposed to gift approx. what the couple is spending per head. Not sure if it's true/realistic. But then again, depending on our relationship to the couple, Hubby and I often include both storebought and homemade gifts.nbsp;

How is a guest to know how much a couple is spending per head? Why is it am attending guest's business the cost of the wedding?! Isn't that a private matter? I have never heard that a gift is supposed to be equal to the cost per head. Where did this come from? It sounds ridiculous.

I live in a suburb outside of NYC, and this is a very common mindset where we live. I mean, the 8 weddings I've been part of/to in the last 4 years... yeah, that's part of how we calculated gift amounts.

MBush4:

rhubarb123:

I realize that a wedding/reception is not an event where a gift is "necessary" like a shower is.  It is still tradition with my family/friends and when someone doesn't come with a gift/card that person really stands out (to others).  Of course I knew who gave us a gift or not at our wedding since I sent the thank you's and went off the spreadsheet where we wrote down who gave what.  I had 3 couples out of 75 not give us anything and not that it was a big deal - it was a big surprise as to WHO didn't give us one.  I didn't expect anything from any of the wedding party since they had other expenditures...although every one of them gave us a gift.  I also knew there would be 3 couples that were invited last mnute (my brother's friends) just for them to come eat, drink and dance (so we weren't paying $60 for 6 guests that cancelled last minute that wouldn't be there).  They even went in on a gift card and we thought was so thoughtful and certainly unexpected.

I can't believe the guy who called his guest out on not giving a gift.  I would have loved to have heard the guest's response.  I wonder if the BIL's wife/gf took the "gift" out of  the card before she dropped it in the box.  I have a friend who would have done that at one of her DH's relative's weddings.  lol

Oh ya...I would NEVER attend a wedding without giving a monetary gift...I know how expensive they are and every little bit helps!

I guess DH and I are the only tacky ones who do this. Granted, we've only done it twice, but hey. That counts towards our tackiness. I mean, silly us, we always hought you get invited becaus people want you there, not because they need the money/gifts to break even. Four years later, I honestly couldn't tell you who didn't give us something. Mainly because I didn't care. The people I cared about came and celebrated with us. And that was all that mattered.

Eh - I think it's kind of tacky to attend a wedding, whether destination or not, without a gift.

But my husband is still bitter at his brother who was a groomsman that didn't give us a gift or a card, who's tux we paid for, and after we gave him his GM's gift (a watch) at our rehearsal, complained that we didn't spring for something nicer, like a Movado. And he was serious.

MBush4:

Different strokes for different folks I guess.

This. I have to say at my wedding I was more concerned with not tripping, passing out, forgetting my vows etc etc. Somewhere on that list was making sure that guests signed my guest book. I didn't even look at my cards until like  a week later.

That being said, I don't give wedding/christmas/birthday presents. I don't feel obligated to buy someone something because of someone told me that I have to because of xyz occasion. If I see something someone would like then I get it for them, regardless of the date. I will admit, I'm not sure how this is going to work out with having my own kids since my mom kind of resents being raised Jehovah's witness and not getting any presents for holidays.

Speaking of. Does the original OP know the religion or philosophy of the sender? A surprising amount of spiritual practices don't give gifts.