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01-23-2013 at 10:08 PM
Brodysmama...
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Brodysmama108 is not online. Last active: 01-23-2013, 10:08 PMNewbie

Marriage/Baby Question

My Husband and I have a three month old son. It's our first baby. And it's been a very, very rough road. Men just have a difficult time understand what it's like for a woman to go through pregnancy and birth and breastfeeding, and postpartum depression and being  a stay-at-home-mom. My Husband has yes, been gracious at times, but overall, he is "over hearing about how hard this is, and I need to let go of the pregnancy/labor/breastfeeding issues". He is also is beginning to criticize me for wanting to get back in to shape, saying I am insecure and trying too hard. It makes me want to punch him, and it's just caused a lot of resentment on my end. Aside from that, he is immature. He is in his thirties and he keeps lying to me about dumb things, he has battled with smoking and pill addiction and he stopped for a long time and then started up about a week ago, and I hate that our son will be around that. I just feel like I grew up so much and he went back about three steps. He is a great, great, very hands on dad...he really is. But I just feel like all these other things are making me lose respect for him, and I think just being a mom is hard enough, that marriage problems are just taking a toll. I dream about running away, lol.He has said my postpartum depression is too hard to deal with and he cant do it anymore, that part of him has checked out because of it....I just feel that there is no compassion.

 Anyone else dealing/dealt with marital problems? Dumb Husbands? 

 
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01-23-2013 at 10:32 PM
KailaAK
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Wow I'm so sorry you're dealing with this... I'm going through a lot of similar things and I know that if my husband wasn't 100 supportive and helpful like he is I would have cracked a while ago.. Sounds like might be time for therapy for both you; seperatly and as a couple.
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01-23-2013 at 10:36 PM
rjeller32
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That is tough. With my first born, my husband and I were threatening to divorce each other about twice a day. I think the adjusting to all the newness can be a huge toll to take on. We ended up taking counseling to help deal with the daily struggles of being parents and still being a couple, because sometimes you take on that role of "mom" or "dad" and forget you are a husband or wife. When I got pregnant with our second though, my husband really realized how much strain it is on a woman to go through pregnancy, labor and those postpardum feelings and has become a lot more understanding, but I still get eye rolls when I cry because my house is a wreck, and my baby won't sleep. I think it's just a situation where you really need to sit down and discuss to each other the issues you are both having with one another and find a way to fix them. It's really hard, although I don't relate as much to the smoking and pills, I had a few months of him going to the bar all the time. I think he was trying to get back that past life pre-baby, and luckily it was a phase, and I gave him an ultimatum. I am sorry you are going through all that, and I totally understand. I hope you guys get through it, I really do!
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01-23-2013 at 11:00 PM
MelissaRae...
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Your son doesn't HAVE to grow up around a pill addict. Just saying.

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart. -Jeremiah 1:5
 
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01-24-2013 at 3:46 AM
kateraid
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For the most part, what your saying sounds like a typical dumb husband scenario. The pill addiction though is where it's taken to the next level. Not okay. Not acceptable for you or for the baby. Get him help. If he doesn't take it, find him another place to live. Don't let your baby grow up like that. It's not fair.
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01-24-2013 at 6:49 AM
Tennis Chi...
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I would definitely seek help not only for your husband but for you too.
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01-24-2013 at 9:07 AM
NinaMarie1
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Soooo I am not married, but the father of my LO is no longer in the picture because I decided to not deal with the stress of his addiction and having a new baby. I found out 2 days before my planned csection that he was using heroin. I knew his past drug history with pill addiction but as far as it seemed he kicked that a while ago. About the time when I was 7 months preggo I noticed a change, and then it got worse. I started snooping and looking for evidence of what was going on and boy was I shocked! I confronted him and told him he needed to get healthy! So 4 days after LO was born he went to a very expensive rehab facility. Got out after 7 days. He seemed like he would never ever pick it up again. Well.... fastforward 8 weeks and he is still fighting to kick this habit. I decided around the 5 week mark that I just couldn't do it. I couldn't stand to see him slowly kill himself... or have LO know a doped up Dad. I know what you're going through. At first my decision was hard. I felt like I was giving up. But I am very happy with my choice b/c I know I did the right thing for my happiness and LO's happiness.
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01-24-2013 at 10:42 AM
LovinTim91...
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Like the others are saying, we too went through some of what you are saying.  Adjusting to being a parent is A LOT.  DH and I came very close to calling it quits many times when DS was first born.  Had we not both made the effort to go to marriage counseling, we definitely would be that bitter divorced couple today.  I'm so glad we went.

 Addiction is hard to live with, but honestly, I agree that a child does NOT deserve to live like that.  You are the adult and you need to make the choice to get your child away from what could be an abusive and/or destructive environment.  
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01-24-2013 at 11:39 AM
buffyverrb...
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buffyverrban1 is not online. Last active: 05-14-2013, 9:43 PMNewbie

I think that people should prepare couples that things get really tough when you have a baby. It's really common to feel almost like you hate each other. 

However, when he is starting to abuse drugs and then tries to shift the blame to you... well, that's no fair to you or your child.

I suggest counselling for you as a couple and individually (really helped me after my DD was born) but please don't make your baby grow up with an addict for a parent. Either he gets clean or he has supervised visits (or no visits if you think that he would be a danger)

 He HAS TO know that it is not ok to use drugs and parent... Your baby deserves better than that.  
 
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01-24-2013 at 11:57 AM
Ladynikon
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When you toss in lack of sleep, baby crying and having to do things different you will start to nitpick at each other. For you its PP depression.  For him the stress may be sliding back into bad habits that he once kicked.  He may be saying what he thinks is nice the wrong way.  When he says that " you are trying to hard and you are insecure" he may be trying to say that he loves the way you look and try not to stress out that you aren't the same shape you were prior to your LO.  I know my husband has told me numerous times that I am beautiful and I look at him like he needs glasses.  You both are stressed.  I would look into some counseling to maybe help you both with this new situation.  As your LO gets older it may get easier or it may get worse.  But I wouldn't wait. 

Good luck :). 
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01-24-2013 at 12:12 PM
asabear201...
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Stormie Omartian has a great book called Power of a Praying Wife. I highly recommend it and will be praying for your family.
 
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01-24-2013 at 9:15 PM
brenaxtrut...
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I am so sorry you have to go through this, but don't give up.  My husband and I are going through the same thing (even smoking which I hate but he's out at this moment having a smoke break - wouldn't mind so much but we are poor as dirt and it's way to expensive).  Anywho, I finally had to sit down and write him a letter because he kept getting mad at me thinking all I do is watch tv while he is in class and working... because he isn't home with our son he just doesn't understand how much actually goes into taking care of him and keeping the house picked up, making dinner, and somehow finding what little time I can to get myself cleaned up for when he has friends show up.  Things are not perfect but they are getting better.

 

Is there someone else close to you that could help you talk to him.  I had a good friend of ours also help talk to him... he's married and almost ended up divorced because of how he treated his wife when she had their first son so seeing another person (especially a male's) perspective seemed to help. 

Just remember communication is the key and hopefully he will start to come around.  Guys can be so difficult sometimes.
 
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01-24-2013 at 10:38 PM
Kingston54
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I'm sorry he's so unsupportive. I would get to see a counselor. Preferably with him but if not at least by yourself because you clearly need someone to talk to. Good luck.
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01-25-2013 at 9:00 AM
ScarletOfl...
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Brodysmama108:

He is in his thirties and he keeps lying to me about dumb things, he has battled with smoking and pill addiction and he stopped for a long time and then started up about a week ago, and I hate that our son will be around that. 

Really? You think this is a marital and dumb husband issue'? You hate that your baby will be around his pill addiction? Have you listened to yourself?? 

This is a REALLY big deal, and he needs to get help or you need to GTFO. 
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