The hosts are responsible for everything.  They should have handled the invites and should be taking care of all food and decorations.

I don't think it would be out of line to gently ask your hosts if they're all set for the weekend and if they need you to do anything besides show up.

If it comes down to the morning of your shower and they're obviously not prepping anything and you have guests on the way, I do think you need to take matters into your own hands. 

How many people are coming and what time is the shower?  If it's during a meal time, run to Costco that morning and get a sandwich tray, fruit and veggie trays and sheet cake.  If not during a meal time, just get a sheet cake and some punch.  Pick up some paper goods from the dollar store, and you should be able to stay under 100 bucks unless you have a huge group. 

Does your house phone or cell phone have a conference feature?  or call waiting?  I would try to get both people on the phone with you and straight out ask the questions... Who is going to buy the food?  Who is going to get here early to decorate?  Who is going to buy the decorations?  Who is going to stay for clean up? etc.

 

If you can't get them both on the phone at the same time, would emailing them both with your list of questions be possible?  Would they look at an email and hit Reply All?

 

I have the same problem where my best friend who lives 3 hours away wants to be included as "throwing" me the shower, but my mom & sister here in town are doing most of the work and my friend has yet to talk to my mom or sister. But I've been the middle man relaying information back and forth and just flat out telling her what to do and what to go buy.  

My advice would have been to decline the shower from Friend 2 but thats a little late now. Friend 1 could do it on her own and it's her responsibility. It may come to shake out that Friend 2 will leave Friend 1 high and dry, but don't get in the middle. Use the money to buy your own baby things since its ultimately your responsibility.

The fact that you chose to have two kids 10 years apart and therefore have no baby stuff is no one's problem but your own. Parents should always plan on providing everything themselves.

Friend 1 and 2 should be doing/paying for everything. I would ask them today what they have planned. If they don't have anything planned and expected you to do everything, I would cancel the shower and use the money to buy your own baby stuff. I wouldn't foot the bill or essentially throw my own shower.

mrsmcdonald:

The fact that you chose to have two kids 10 years apart and therefore have no baby stuff is no one's problem but your own. Parents should always plan on providing everything themselves.

Friend 1 and 2 should be doing/paying for everything. I would ask them today what they have planned. If they don't have anything planned and expected you to do everything, I would cancel the shower and use the money to buy your own baby stuff. I wouldn't foot the bill or essentially throw my own shower.

All of this.

Estwd2:

mrsmcdonald:

The fact that you chose to have two kids 10 years apart and therefore have no baby stuff is no one's problem but your own. Parents should always plan on providing everything themselves. Friend 1 and 2 should be doing/paying for everything. I would ask them today what they have planned. If they don't have anything planned and expected you to do everything, I would cancel the shower and use the money to buy your own baby stuff. I wouldn't foot the bill or essentially throw my own shower.

All of this.

Yup. 

 

mrsmcdonald:

The fact that you chose to have two kids 10 years apart and therefore have no baby stuff is no one's problem but your own. Parents should always plan on providing everything themselves.

Friend 1 and 2 should be doing/paying for everything. I would ask them today what they have planned. If they don't have anything planned and expected you to do everything, I would cancel the shower and use the money to buy your own baby stuff. I wouldn't foot the bill or essentially throw my own shower.

This.

If I had to do everything I wouldn't have had a shower...I just would have hosted a meet the baby party (food and wine) and called it good. A shower is a gift...not a plan your own party just to get gifts...I guess it's different in your "circle". Not to mention a shower for a second child...

mrsmcdonald:

The fact that you chose to have two kids 10 years apart and therefore have no baby stuff is no one's problem but your own. Parents should always plan on providing everything themselves. Friend 1 and 2 should be doing/paying for everything. I would ask them today what they have planned. If they don't have anything planned and expected you to do everything, I would cancel the shower and use the money to buy your own baby stuff. I wouldn't foot the bill or essentially throw my own shower.

yup.  

mrsmcdonald:

The fact that you chose to have two kids 10 years apart and therefore have no baby stuff is no one's problem but your own. Parents should always plan on providing everything themselves. Friend 1 and 2 should be doing/paying for everything. I would ask them today what they have planned. If they don't have anything planned and expected you to do everything, I would cancel the shower and use the money to buy your own baby stuff. I wouldn't foot the bill or essentially throw my own shower.

Lets get one thing straight right now....I did not choose to have another child 10 years apart from my last one and therefore feel I DESERVE to have another shower or have other people provide ANYTHING for me or my son.  The insinuation that I do expect that type of treatment is flat out insulting. 

I did NOT ask for this shower, however, did offer my home as a place to have it simply because it is more forgiving in the way of a) parking, b) space, c) location, d) efficiency, e) cost effectiveness for all involved.  I am not 'essentially throwing my own shower'.

I was told when my daughter was 2 years old that I couldn't have any more children because I have endomitriosis, polycystic ovaries, and eventually developed ovarian cancer...therefore, the possibilities of me getting pregnant were slimmer than slim to none...so no this child was not planned.  He is welcomed whole-heartedly, with open arms.  I am FORTUNATE to be where I am and blessed to have this opportunity.

The last time I had a baby, I was very young and didn't know any better about who did what, who pays for what, who organizes what, and so on...hence my question.

I do not appreciate the tone, nor the sheer blatant disregard simply because you can hide behind a keyboard when you type what you're thinking...no one's problem but my own...wth ever...my kids are my life.

Try this one on for size, my dear sweet mrsmcmdonald...I don't see my children as my 'problem' to deal with. They are not mere inconveniences in my daily routine or schedule. They are a part of my life and the biggest part of my life for that matter.  

I do not see the point in wasting my time or energy (which is especially sparce these days due to a new heart condition this pregnancy brought on) in going out of my way to go out into any store to go and purchase anything when I know I'm supposed to be having a shower first.

SaraS83:

mrsmcdonald:

The fact that you chose to have two kids 10 years apart and therefore have no baby stuff is no one's problem but your own. Parents should always plan on providing everything themselves. Friend 1 and 2 should be doing/paying for everything. I would ask them today what they have planned. If they don't have anything planned and expected you to do everything, I would cancel the shower and use the money to buy your own baby stuff. I wouldn't foot the bill or essentially throw my own shower.

Lets get one thing straight right now....I did not choose to have another child 10 years apart from my last one and therefore feel I DESERVE to have another shower or have other people provide ANYTHING for me or my son.  The insinuation that I do expect that type of treatment is flat out insulting. 

I did NOT ask for this shower, however, did offer my home as a place to have it simply because it is more forgiving in the way of a) parking, b) space, c) location, d) efficiency, e) cost effectiveness for all involved.  I am not 'essentially throwing my own shower'.

I was told when my daughter was 2 years old that I couldn't have any more children because I have endomitriosis, polycystic ovaries, and eventually developed ovarian cancer...therefore, the possibilities of me getting pregnant were slimmer than slim to none...so no this child was not planned.  He is welcomed whole-heartedly, with open arms.  I am FORTUNATE to be where I am and blessed to have this opportunity.

The last time I had a baby, I was very young and didn't know any better about who did what, who pays for what, who organizes what, and so on...hence my question.

I do not appreciate the tone, nor the sheer blatant disregard simply because you can hide behind a keyboard when you type what you're thinking...no one's problem but my own...wth ever...my kids are my life.

Try this one on for size, my dear sweet mrsmcmdonald...I don't see my children as my 'problem' to deal with. They are not mere inconveniences in my daily routine or schedule. They are a part of my life and the biggest part of my life for that matter.  

I do not see the point in wasting my time or energy (which is especially sparce these days due to a new heart condition this pregnancy brought on) in going out of my way to go out into any store to go and purchase anything when I know I'm supposed to be having a shower first.

In other words, back the heck off and think before you type.

I am THANKFUL for the generosity of others around me, not DEPENDENT on it...thank you very much.

Seriously, some of you need to get over yourselves.

OP, you shouldn't pay for or plan any part of your shower.  All of that should be part of the gift that the hosts are giving to you by hosting this shower in your honor.  You should have provided the guest list and made sure that the number of guests did not exceed what they could afford to host, however.  So if you wanted to invite 50 and they could only afford to feed 15 then you would know to scale back the list.

But, given that you have concerns over a possible lack of planning and you have guests coming from out of town, you should probably see how things are coming together.  Just approach it with sensitivity. 

SaraS83:

mrsmcdonald:

The fact that you chose to have two kids 10 years apart and therefore have no baby stuff is no one's problem but your own. Parents should always plan on providing everything themselves.

Friend 1 and 2 should be doing/paying for everything. I would ask them today what they have planned. If they don't have anything planned and expected you to do everything, I would cancel the shower and use the money to buy your own baby stuff. I wouldn't foot the bill or essentially throw my own shower.

Lets get one thing straight right now....I did not choose to have another child 10 years apart from my last one and therefore feel I DESERVE to have another shower or have other people provide ANYTHING for me or my son.  The insinuation that I do expect that type of treatment is flat out insulting. 

I did NOT ask for this shower, however, did offer my home as a place to have it simply because it is more forgiving in the way of a) parking, b) space, c) location, d) efficiency, e) cost effectiveness for all involved.  I am not 'essentially throwing my own shower'.

I was told when my daughter was 2 years old that I couldn't have any more children because I have endomitriosis, polycystic ovaries, and eventually developed ovarian cancer...therefore, the possibilities of me getting pregnant were slimmer than slim to none...so no this child was not planned.  He is welcomed whole-heartedly, with open arms.  I am FORTUNATE to be where I am and blessed to have this opportunity.

The last time I had a baby, I was very young and didn't know any better about who did what, who pays for what, who organizes what, and so on...hence my question.

I do not appreciate the tone, nor the sheer blatant disregard simply because you can hide behind a keyboard when you type what you're thinking...no one's problem but my own...wth ever...my kids are my life.

Try this one on for size, my dear sweet mrsmcmdonald...I don't see my children as my 'problem' to deal with. They are not mere inconveniences in my daily routine or schedule. They are a part of my life and the biggest part of my life for that matter.  

I do not see the point in wasting my time or energy (which is especially sparce these days due to a new heart condition this pregnancy brought on) in going out of my way to go out into any store to go and purchase anything when I know I'm supposed to be having a shower first.

You need to quit with your attitude. Showers are for welcoming a new mother to motherhood. You're already a mom! This is YOUR child so YOU need to provide for them.

2nd showers are tacky period....no matter how much you try to justify it.

Gismo123:

SaraS83:

mrsmcdonald:

The fact that you chose to have two kids 10 years apart and therefore have no baby stuff is no one's problem but your own. Parents should always plan on providing everything themselves.

Friend 1 and 2 should be doing/paying for everything. I would ask them today what they have planned. If they don't have anything planned and expected you to do everything, I would cancel the shower and use the money to buy your own baby stuff. I wouldn't foot the bill or essentially throw my own shower.

Lets get one thing straight right now....I did not choose to have another child 10 years apart from my last one and therefore feel I DESERVE to have another shower or have other people provide ANYTHING for me or my son.  The insinuation that I do expect that type of treatment is flat out insulting. 

I did NOT ask for this shower, however, did offer my home as a place to have it simply because it is more forgiving in the way of a) parking, b) space, c) location, d) efficiency, e) cost effectiveness for all involved.  I am not 'essentially throwing my own shower'.

I was told when my daughter was 2 years old that I couldn't have any more children because I have endomitriosis, polycystic ovaries, and eventually developed ovarian cancer...therefore, the possibilities of me getting pregnant were slimmer than slim to none...so no this child was not planned.  He is welcomed whole-heartedly, with open arms.  I am FORTUNATE to be where I am and blessed to have this opportunity.

The last time I had a baby, I was very young and didn't know any better about who did what, who pays for what, who organizes what, and so on...hence my question.

I do not appreciate the tone, nor the sheer blatant disregard simply because you can hide behind a keyboard when you type what you're thinking...no one's problem but my own...wth ever...my kids are my life.

Try this one on for size, my dear sweet mrsmcmdonald...I don't see my children as my 'problem' to deal with. They are not mere inconveniences in my daily routine or schedule. They are a part of my life and the biggest part of my life for that matter.  

I do not see the point in wasting my time or energy (which is especially sparce these days due to a new heart condition this pregnancy brought on) in going out of my way to go out into any store to go and purchase anything when I know I'm supposed to be having a shower first.

You need to quit with your attitude. Showers are for welcoming a new mother to motherhood. You're already a mom! This is YOUR child so YOU need to provide for them.

2nd showers are tacky period....no matter how much you try to justify it.

I disagree. Ten years in between kids is a reasonable cause for not having her baby items on hand. If someone offers to host I see no reason to decline simply because you had a baby ten years ago. Life isn't always black and white.

There is just so much to respond to in your post...and contrary to your belief, my posts are pretty well thought out. Given the number of contradictions in yours, I'm fairly certain yours wasn't. I'll just respond to each of your points: 

SaraS83:

SaraS83:

Lets get one thing straight right now....I did not choose to have another child 10 years apart from my last one and therefore feel I DESERVE to have another shower or have other people provide ANYTHING for me or my son.  The insinuation that I do expect that type of treatment is flat out insulting.

This kind of confuses me - you do or don't feel you DESERVE a second shower? You see, no one DESERVES a shower, not FTM, not STM. They are a gift to welcome someone into motherhood. Period. Since you were welcomed into motherhood with your first (even if it was a crappy shower by friend #1), you especially don't DESERVE a shower for #2. And it sounds like you do expect one, and expect all of your friends/family to provide for your second child (see your point below about not wasting time/energy on getting things because you're "supposed" to have a shower).

I did NOT ask for this shower, however, did offer my home as a place to have it simply because it is more forgiving in the way of a) parking, b) space, c) location, d) efficiency, e) cost effectiveness for all involved.  I am not 'essentially throwing my own shower'. While you did not "ask" for this shower, you did agree to it; you could have politely declined, because showers for STM, whatever the circumstances, are tacky. People shouldn't have to pony up money and gifts to support your second child, especially if they already did for the first. And in your original post, you were complaining because friends 1 + 2 haven't done anything for your shower, which is less than a week away and you were concerned that you would have to do it all. Heck, the title of your post was "Who pays?" If you are in any way paying for or planning your own shower, you are essentially throwing your own shower.

I was told when my daughter was 2 years old that I couldn't have any more children because I have endomitriosis, polycystic ovaries, and eventually developed ovarian cancer...therefore, the possibilities of me getting pregnant were slimmer than slim to none...so no this child was not planned.  He is welcomed whole-heartedly, with open arms.  I am FORTUNATE to be where I am and blessed to have this opportunity. See, this is where we actually have something in common: I too was told I couldn't have any more kids. After 2 years, several thousands of dollars in fertility treatments and 4 miscarriages (yup, 4), we were told I couldn't have any more. So I gave away and sold all of the baby stuff. Everything. I didn't have any baby stuff left. Took the money I made on Craigslist and took DD#1 to Disney World (if you haven't been, I highly recommend it, it was awesome!). So I was essentially in the same position as you - surprise pregnancy with no baby stuff. The difference is, I'm not an entitled person who feels everyone should have to provide LO#2 with gifts. I was offered several showers by friends and family that were super excited, knowing everything I had gone through, and wanted to celebrate. But again, I don't feel it's everyone else's responsibility to provide for my very welcome surprise, so I declined and bought my own stuff. If you need some money saving tips (because that stuff is expensive!), please let me know and I can share some ideas with you. It's not hard to provide for your own kids, I promise.

I do not appreciate the tone, nor the sheer blatant disregard simply because you can hide behind a keyboard when you type what you're thinking...no one's problem but my own...wth ever...my kids are my life. I don't hide behind a keyboard. What I'm saying to you, I would say to a friend IRL who I thought was being a moron. If your kids are your life, then provide for them.

Try this one on for size, my dear sweet mrsmcmdonald...I don't see my children as my 'problem' to deal with. They are not mere inconveniences in my daily routine or schedule. They are a part of my life and the biggest part of my life for that matter. I'm glad to see that you can recognize what a sweet person I really am. Thanks for that. I never said that kids are a problem; providing all of their stuff is the problem, especially when you expect other people to do it for you.  

I do not see the point in wasting my time or energy (which is especially sparce these days due to a new heart condition this pregnancy brought on) in going out of my way to go out into any store to go and purchase anything when I know I'm supposed to be having a shower first. I'm really sorry to read you have a heart problem, really I am. If you can't make it to the store, maybe send your significant other to Babies R Us with a list so he can get the things you need. Or better yet, there is this thing called the internet where you can magically order things and they show up at your door a couple of days later. It's amazing. When you have kids, you have to "go out of your way" to get them what they need all of the time. The fact that you are refusing to "waste your energy" to provide for your child because you're "supposed" to be having a shower is just obnoxious. Especially, and I will refer back to your original post, if you are having to pay for/plan that shower in the first place, it seems pretty counter-intuitive.

In other words, back the heck off and think before you type.

I am THANKFUL for the generosity of others around me, not DEPENDENT on it...thank you very much. You're so welcome. I'm glad I could help!

I know what your going through, it happened when I was preg with DD 4 yrs ago! When I found out I was pregnant, my best friend at the time told me she was going to throw me a baby shower, she was so excited blah blah..Well, I was due on 4/1 and January came and my Mom started asking about this shower that C was supposed to be throwing for me. So Mom got ahold of C and C told her that she was still throwing the shower. Mom told her that she should probably be picking a date in Feb/March so she could find somewhere to throw it. 2 more weeks went by without hearing from C so my Mom pretty much orchestrated renting the hall, buying the invites, addressing them, decorations, food, cake, door prizes because C finally called her and said she really didn't think she had enough money for everything. Its so frustrating! You need to talk to them and politely say something like, hey the shower is next week, what will you two be picking up? Have you guys ordered the cake yet? What time will you be here to decorate? That way, you will get a feel for what their plans are. Good luck!

SaraS83:

mrsmcdonald:

The fact that you chose to have two kids 10 years apart and therefore have no baby stuff is no one's problem but your own. Parents should always plan on providing everything themselves. Friend 1 and 2 should be doing/paying for everything. I would ask them today what they have planned. If they don't have anything planned and expected you to do everything, I would cancel the shower and use the money to buy your own baby stuff. I wouldn't foot the bill or essentially throw my own shower.

Lets get one thing straight right now....I did not choose to have another child 10 years apart from my last one and therefore feel I DESERVE to have another shower or have other people provide ANYTHING for me or my son.  The insinuation that I do expect that type of treatment is flat out insulting. 

I did NOT ask for this shower, however, did offer my home as a place to have it simply because it is more forgiving in the way of a) parking, b) space, c) location, d) efficiency, e) cost effectiveness for all involved.  I am not 'essentially throwing my own shower'.

I was told when my daughter was 2 years old that I couldn't have any more children because I have endomitriosis, polycystic ovaries, and eventually developed ovarian cancer...therefore, the possibilities of me getting pregnant were slimmer than slim to none...so no this child was not planned.  He is welcomed whole-heartedly, with open arms.  I am FORTUNATE to be where I am and blessed to have this opportunity.

The last time I had a baby, I was very young and didn't know any better about who did what, who pays for what, who organizes what, and so on...hence my question.

I do not appreciate the tone, nor the sheer blatant disregard simply because you can hide behind a keyboard when you type what you're thinking...no one's problem but my own...wth ever...my kids are my life.

Try this one on for size, my dear sweet mrsmcmdonald...I don't see my children as my 'problem' to deal with. They are not mere inconveniences in my daily routine or schedule. They are a part of my life and the biggest part of my life for that matter.  

I do not see the point in wasting my time or energy (which is especially sparce these days due to a new heart condition this pregnancy brought on) in going out of my way to go out into any store to go and purchase anything when I know I'm supposed to be having a shower first.

Please don't sweat the judgmental ones. Congrats on the miracle baby! As I understand it, your job as the pregnant one is to decide who to invite, and the hosts are supposed to do the rest. Paying is definitely not your responsibility.

Is your heart condition Wolf Parkinson White? I have that. I spent New Year's Eve in the ER because of it. Stay safe!

 

Usually the hostesses pay for the shower as their gift.  

At this point, I would have a phone call to both but be prepared to do everything for yourself again. I would have a heart to heart and tell them that unlike last time you cannot afford time or money to provide for the whole shower on such short notice and you would like to know be reassured that the shower is taken care of.

I kind of think you are going to be left footing the bill for this baby shower. I would start planning low budget family reunion ideas along with lower budget baby shower ideas. Start looking up suggestions to feed people cheaply but satisfying. I went to a friend's baby shower where we had sloppy joes and it was and informal (she was single and a young mother).

One idea for a "game" is to a guess the cost like the price is right where you set it up in one room and people can look at the table and write down their answers. That way it can be kind of a "browsing game" and a good conversation point with some of the guests. Get some string for guessing your belly size. Consider ordering baby king favors and freezing them in ice cubes to see whose "water breaks" first (another game where you don't have to squeeze everyone into one room to play). I'd skimp on decorations. 

 Did you give friend 1 a heads up about what happened 10 years ago?