Lets get one thing straight right now....I did not choose to have another child 10 years apart from my last one and therefore feel I DESERVE to have another shower or have other people provide ANYTHING for me or my son. The insinuation that I do expect that type of treatment is flat out insulting.
This kind of confuses me - you do or don't feel you DESERVE a second shower? You see, no one DESERVES a shower, not FTM, not STM. They are a gift to welcome someone into motherhood. Period. Since you were welcomed into motherhood with your first (even if it was a crappy shower by friend #1), you especially don't DESERVE a shower for #2. And it sounds like you do expect one, and expect all of your friends/family to provide for your second child (see your point below about not wasting time/energy on getting things because you're "supposed" to have a shower).
I did NOT ask for this shower, however, did offer my home as a place to have it simply because it is more forgiving in the way of a) parking, b) space, c) location, d) efficiency, e) cost effectiveness for all involved. I am not 'essentially throwing my own shower'. While you did not "ask" for this shower, you did agree to it; you could have politely declined, because showers for STM, whatever the circumstances, are tacky. People shouldn't have to pony up money and gifts to support your second child, especially if they already did for the first. And in your original post, you were complaining because friends 1 + 2 haven't done anything for your shower, which is less than a week away and you were concerned that you would have to do it all. Heck, the title of your post was "Who pays?" If you are in any way paying for or planning your own shower, you are essentially throwing your own shower.
I was told when my daughter was 2 years old that I couldn't have any more children because I have endomitriosis, polycystic ovaries, and eventually developed ovarian cancer...therefore, the possibilities of me getting pregnant were slimmer than slim to none...so no this child was not planned. He is welcomed whole-heartedly, with open arms. I am FORTUNATE to be where I am and blessed to have this opportunity. See, this is where we actually have something in common: I too was told I couldn't have any more kids. After 2 years, several thousands of dollars in fertility treatments and 4 miscarriages (yup, 4), we were told I couldn't have any more. So I gave away and sold all of the baby stuff. Everything. I didn't have any baby stuff left. Took the money I made on Craigslist and took DD#1 to Disney World (if you haven't been, I highly recommend it, it was awesome!). So I was essentially in the same position as you - surprise pregnancy with no baby stuff. The difference is, I'm not an entitled person who feels everyone should have to provide LO#2 with gifts. I was offered several showers by friends and family that were super excited, knowing everything I had gone through, and wanted to celebrate. But again, I don't feel it's everyone else's responsibility to provide for my very welcome surprise, so I declined and bought my own stuff. If you need some money saving tips (because that stuff is expensive!), please let me know and I can share some ideas with you. It's not hard to provide for your own kids, I promise.
I do not appreciate the tone, nor the sheer blatant disregard simply because you can hide behind a keyboard when you type what you're thinking...no one's problem but my own...wth ever...my kids are my life. I don't hide behind a keyboard. What I'm saying to you, I would say to a friend IRL who I thought was being a moron. If your kids are your life, then provide for them.
Try this one on for size, my dear sweet mrsmcmdonald...I don't see my children as my 'problem' to deal with. They are not mere inconveniences in my daily routine or schedule. They are a part of my life and the biggest part of my life for that matter. I'm glad to see that you can recognize what a sweet person I really am. Thanks for that. I never said that kids are a problem; providing all of their stuff is the problem, especially when you expect other people to do it for you.
I do not see the point in wasting my time or energy (which is especially sparce these days due to a new heart condition this pregnancy brought on) in going out of my way to go out into any store to go and purchase anything when I know I'm supposed to be having a shower first. I'm really sorry to read you have a heart problem, really I am. If you can't make it to the store, maybe send your significant other to Babies R Us with a list so he can get the things you need. Or better yet, there is this thing called the internet where you can magically order things and they show up at your door a couple of days later. It's amazing. When you have kids, you have to "go out of your way" to get them what they need all of the time. The fact that you are refusing to "waste your energy" to provide for your child because you're "supposed" to be having a shower is just obnoxious. Especially, and I will refer back to your original post, if you are having to pay for/plan that shower in the first place, it seems pretty counter-intuitive.