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01-27-2013 at 11:39 PM
briannabee...
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FTM dumb question: Who throws the shower in this situation?

So I'm fairly early on still--but on my BMB this topic of baby showers is starting to come up.

I moved across the continent, into the great white north away, from my family, to be with my husband.  The only family that is here is my MIL.  My girlfriends are now where near starting families (and no I'm not particularly young either!) and so far between MIL and friends no one has offered to throw one for husband and I.

When is the normal time that people start offering to throw showers?  And who traditionally is responsible for this?  Would it be horribly tacky if husband and I threw a co-ed barbecue-esque shower--if god forbid--no one offers?

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01-27-2013 at 11:59 PM
1026pumpki...
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Typically family members or close friends offer to throw the shower.  Showers are typically held between 28 and 38 weeks, and usually are planned one to two months in advance.  Invites go out about 3 weeks in advance.

Yes, it would be tacky to throw your own shower.  Unfortunately if nobody offers, you won't have one.  A lot of moms don't have them. 


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01-28-2013 at 12:07 AM
MzCurnett8...
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If no one offers to throw you a baby shower you don't get one. It's beyond tacky to throw your own gift giving party. It looks very gift grabby no matter how you try to spin it. I would decline an invitation to a baby shower that the parents were hosting.

 People that I know have had people offer them a shower after they find out the gender then have their shower on average at 33weeks. One girl in our neighborhood insisted on having three, her first at 13weeks and was angry when people didn't attend. She's the crazy exception though.

 
01-28-2013 at 12:16 AM
briannabee...
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MzCurnett8886:

If no one offers to throw you a baby shower you don't get one. It's beyond tacky to throw your own gift giving party. It looks very gift grabby no matter how you try to spin it. I would decline an invitation to a baby shower that the parents were hosting.

 People that I know have had people offer them a shower after they find out the gender then have their shower on average at 33weeks. One girl in our neighborhood insisted on having three, her first at 13weeks and was angry when people didn't attend. She's the crazy exception though.



whoa crazy! 13 weeks!  yikes!

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01-28-2013 at 12:45 AM
katiebenes
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see, I would still go to one hosting by the parents (if no one had offered) 

Maybe do a post baby "meet the baby" party people will not think its as bad... Then again I'm not very good with etiquette so I might not be the best to go off of.


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01-28-2013 at 3:01 AM
SarahBBowe...
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Yes it would be tacky to throw your own gift-giving event.  There is no rule on who is supposed to throw the shower, usually its a very close friend or family member.  If no one offers, save the money you would use to throw yourselves a  party and buy your own baby stuff.

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01-28-2013 at 5:15 AM
EastCoastB...
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Remember - a shower is a GIFT to you. It's not a right or an entitlement. 

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01-28-2013 at 6:37 AM
Cranang
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briannabeebug:
So I'm fairly early on still--but on my BMB this topic of baby showers is starting to come up.

I moved across the continent, into the great white north away, from my family, to be with my husband.  The only family that is here is my MIL.  My girlfriends are now where near starting families (and no I'm not particularly young either!) and so far between MIL and friends no one has offered to throw one for husband and I.

When is the normal time that people start offering to throw showers?  And who traditionally is responsible for this?  Would it be horribly tacky if husband and I threw a co-ed barbecue-esque shower--if god forbid--no one offers?

If you don't have anyone close enough to you to throw you a shower, then who are you expecting to attend? 

And of course you can't throw your own shower...good grief.


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01-28-2013 at 6:53 AM
RibbitGrl9...
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briannabeebug:
So I'm fairly early on still--but on my BMB this topic of baby showers is starting to come up.

I moved across the continent, into the great white north away, from my family, to be with my husband.  The only family that is here is my MIL.  My girlfriends are now where near starting families (and no I'm not particularly young either!) and so far between MIL and friends no one has offered to throw one for husband and I.

When is the normal time that people start offering to throw showers?  And who traditionally is responsible for this?  Would it be horribly tacky if husband and I threw a co-ed barbecue-esque shower--if god forbid--no one offers?

I'm 34 weeks now. Our first shower (which was offered on Christmas day by MIL) happened last Sunday. Our next shower at work is happening tomorrow and was offered by my supervisor when I was around 20 weeks. Our third offer came last week from our church Sunday school class and is happening in 2 weeks. Earnest offers and planning for showers, in my experience, tend to happen after the sex is found out and announced (if the parents choose to find out and announce) and happen anywhere in the beginning or middle of the third trimester, depending on how far the MTB may have to travel to attend. As far as who generally offers, pretty much anybody who knows you that wants to offer you this gift- family, friends, co-workers, church groups, hobby groups (like book clubs), etc.

And yes, it is very tacky to throw your own shower if you are going to hold it before the baby is born and call it a shower. It would be perfectly fine, however, to have a Meet the Baby party or a Sip and See after the baby is born, and just call it a BBQ or a gathering. People may bring gifts anyway, but that would be up to them. Calling it a shower basically obligates people to bring a gift. If no one offers anything, then you just do not get a shower.


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01-28-2013 at 7:42 AM
Joy2611
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katiebenes:

see, I would still go to one hosting by the parents (if no one had offered) 

Really?  You advocate for people to throw fundraisers for themselves?  That's what a shower would be at that point.  "Oh, please come to our shower!  We are throwing it ourselves so people will bring us GIFTS!"

A shower is to welcome a woman to motherhood by showering her with gifts that will help her with motherhood.  It is thrown by other friends or family as a nice gesture.

Throwing it for yourself just looks entitled and downright crappy.

Sorry, OP!  

01-28-2013 at 8:14 AM
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1026pumpkin:

Typically family members or close friends offer to throw the shower.  Showers are typically held between 28 and 38 weeks, and usually are planned one to two months in advance.  Invites go out about 3 weeks in advance.

Yes, it would be tacky to throw your own shower.  Unfortunately if nobody offers, you won't have one.  A lot of moms don't have them. 

All of this.

If you want to have people over for a barbeque, do that but don't call it a shower and don't give out registry information.  If you want to register just to get the completion discount, that's fine.


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01-28-2013 at 8:17 AM
MelRC117
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No one is "responsible" for throwing you a shower.  If no one offers you don't get one. GOD FORBID you don't have a shower?  Grow up, its not some special right of passage. Buy your own baby stuff.

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01-28-2013 at 8:32 AM
Helenahhan...
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MelRC117:
No one is "responsible" for throwing you a shower.  If no one offers you don't get one. GOD FORBID you don't have a shower?  Grow up, its not some special right of passage. Buy your own baby stuff.

OP, I am sorry-- but I have to agree 100% with this.  Of all the things to be forbidding god about, this is the very least of them.

If you don't have a shower (which is fairly common, actually) have a BBQ after baby is born and invite friends and family.


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01-28-2013 at 8:43 AM
Pumpkin_Pr...
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MelRC117:
No one is "responsible" for throwing you a shower.nbsp; If no one offers you don't get one. GOD FORBID you don't have a shower?nbsp; Grow up, its not some special right of passage.nbsp;Buy your own baby stuff.


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01-28-2013 at 12:32 PM
rhubarb123
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1026pumpkin:

Typically family members or close friends offer to throw the shower.  Showers are typically held between 28 and 38 weeks, and usually are planned one to two months in advance.  Invites go out about 3 weeks in advance.

Yes, it would be tacky to throw your own shower.  Unfortunately if nobody offers, you won't have one.  A lot of moms don't have them. 

I agree with this.  It is still early yet.  Perhaps someone in your family will host a shower and you'll have to fly/drive to get to it.  If you only have your MIL and a couple of girlfriends who did you intend to invite to a shower where you are now?  Your MIL could host or one of your friends.  In my family it is never anyone in the immediate family so my cousin hosted my family/friends shower.

 
01-28-2013 at 12:48 PM
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MelRC117:
No one is "responsible" for throwing you a shower.  If no one offers you don't get one. GOD FORBID you don't have a shower?  Grow up, its not some special right of passage. Buy your own baby stuff.

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01-28-2013 at 5:54 PM
-auntie-
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I'm not going to snark you. I think all first time moms should have a shower.

Usually the family/friends would host something when/if you visit their community before the birth. Otherwise, they could do a shower in absentia. But if they won't play, you lose. It's that simple.

 
01-28-2013 at 7:52 PM
Betty&Co
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MelRC117:
No one is "responsible" for throwing you a shower.  If no one offers you don't get one. GOD FORBID you don't have a shower?  Grow up, its not some special right of passage. Buy your own baby stuff.

 


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01-29-2013 at 12:09 PM
cwiceangel
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Yeah I agree with pretty much everyone it's a bit tacky to throw your own. However if you're just wanting to have a party, gender reveal parties are fun. No gifts are bought but gives you an excuse to have a party. Also your friends and family where you're from may throw you a shower, just might have to fly home for a weekend.

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01-29-2013 at 6:16 PM
rmp25
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I don't think that people should throw their own shower, I personally wouldn't do it and refused to have one period with my second DS considering we had one with DS1  only 2 years ago. I agree that it is tacky. That said I see a lot of tacky things go on in the shower line. If it was a friend or family member that had faithfully been good to me and/or had attended my shower/wedding/kid's b-day parties/etc. I would suck it up and buy them a gift anyway and overlook the tackiness.

 
01-30-2013 at 10:37 AM
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Please excuse these snooty wenches on here who are telling you not to throw your own shower. If nobody offers you a shower because you've recently moved and don't have your "old" friends to offer...by all means throw your own shower. A co-ed BBQ sounds ideal. There are some really snooty women on this website who feel like their opinions on how "they" think things should be done are the only way. If you send out invites to any of these snooty women and they refuse your invite...guess what...those are the women you don't want to include in your inner circle anyway!! Please don't let them discourage you. I hope you enjoy your co-ed baby shower, sponsored exclusively by yourself!

 
01-31-2013 at 10:03 AM
lisarene77
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momofclayplus1:

Please excuse these snooty wenches on here who are telling you not to throw your own shower. If nobody offers you a shower because you've recently moved and don't have your "old" friends to offer...by all means throw your own shower. A co-ed BBQ sounds ideal. There are some really snooty women on this website who feel like their opinions on how "they" think things should be done are the only way. If you send out invites to any of these snooty women and they refuse your invite...guess what...those are the women you don't want to include in your inner circle anyway!! Please don't let them discourage you. I hope you enjoy your co-ed baby shower, sponsored exclusively by yourself!

WOW! really?

OP, please don't follow this person's advise.  People will think you are rude.  I'm a soon-to-be FTM too. I would never host my own shower. It's not your birthday party, which is fine to host yourself. Most likely your MIL will do it. Have you mentioned anything to her about it? OR your friends back home, maybe plan a trip to visit them or they visit you.  Like one of the PP suggested, you could host a post-delivery party yourself. That would be a totally acceptable. Here in the south they are called "sip-n-sees". You sip drinks and see the baby. They can be very cute too. Good luck.

 

oh and FWIW, I'm not by any means an "etiquette Nazi" and I would never consider hosting my own shower. 


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