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02-18-2013 at 7:16 PM
shanay981
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Help pls! Btwn rock & hard place...

Hey all-

Im in the midst of planning my baby shower with my mom-godmother-good friend-and mother in law. What should be such an exciting and fun time is starting out not so good :-( I must rewind for a moment so you can understand where I come from....

My bridal shower was to be planned/organized and thrown by my ENTIRE bridal party including my mother. I had ZERO control or involvement in it. However..(to spare you the dramatic story..lol), the jist is that my shower was great.. but my matron of honor had a chip on her shoulder and chose to EXCLUDE not only my bridal party from the planning but my own mother etc! Alot had to do with $$.. sad to say..It caused a huge problem between her and my bridal party (which also consisted of several mbrs of my husbands family-awkward!). The whole darn thing became about HER. Needless to say there were many other moments like this throughout my wedding planning process and even throughout my own wedding & we are not on speaking terms at this moment. She had hurt me too much to say the least. But.. being that as it may, I don't think anyone could blame me when I think about planning my own baby shower! LOL It's hard for me to give up that control again to anyone with regards to this for fear of a repeat diaster. I don't want any more problems.

That all being said...here we are about to plan the baby shower and I can't help but want to PLEASE all involved for fear of repeated problems. So, here I sit now trying to choose a place for the baby shower (as stupid as this sounds) & I am crying. Thank you pregnancy hormones!! :-P...My rock & hard place is silly to most.. but is hard no less. Do I please my family?? Who would prefer to have it at the local firehouse hall b/c of the lowered cost..personal nature.. but the cooking/setup/work would have to be done by my mom etc... OR Do I please my in-laws?? Who would prefer to have it at a nice restaurant with a private room..where all is done for you by staff but costs an arm and a leg??

Again, this dilemma may sound silly to you all.. but for me it is difficult given the history of ridiculousness that occurred one year ago with the planning of my bridal shower...Most have told me "Do what YOU want and not what THEY want".. but that is just as dificult. My mother prefers to pay for the shower but my parents are on limited funds these days.. another reason for the local hall.. my in-laws don't beleive that it is their responsibility to provide funds for the shower b/c the believe that should be my mothers responsibility.. yet they are willing to help with anything else that is needed (i.e. make cookies etc.). My husband and I talked about paying for it ourselves with some savings from the wedding.. But I have been diagnosed with Hyperemesis Gravidarum since month #1 of the pregnancy and I'm still sick,.so I had to quit my job.. we are currently on one income..ugh. And here's the dilemma arising again...Do we go with my mom's suggestion to save cost, but run the risk of displeasing my in laws?? Or do we go with in laws suggestion, but run the risk of feeling guilty for using our savings on that venue?

UGH... I am apologizing profusely through the computer for unloading all of these thoughts.. but I'm just.. well.. STUCK. Thoughts???

Thanks girls.. :-)
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02-18-2013 at 7:28 PM
cmhicklin
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If your in laws aren't paying, then they have no say. Period.
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02-18-2013 at 7:30 PM
Estwd2
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Several things here. The hostesses are the ones who plan and pay for the shower. If the ILs aren't paying, then they aren't hosting it and need to step aside. Which brings me to you stepping aside. A shower is a gift to you. Don't worry about keeping the peace based on what happened with your bridal shower. It sounds like the problems were caused by the crazy friend anyway and she's not involved here. Let the hosts plan it. Give your input when asked, but otherwise the planning, including the location, should be up to them.

Now having said all that, clearly your ILs are smoking some crack. Why would they pressure you to have it in a restaurant that your hostess can't afford and not offer to pay anything themselves? Ridiculous. There is no choice to be made here. If your mom is paying for this, she chooses the location. End of story.
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02-18-2013 at 7:34 PM
mel8255
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Have two.  Your mother can host her lovely get together at the fire house with your side.  And if your ILs really care that much, they can HOST their own at a fancy restaurant.  They are incorrect in their assumption that this event is up to your family alone for them to attend.  In fact, your mother can invite whoever she wants if she is hosting it.  Under no circumstances should you use your own money to host a gift-giving event for your LO. 

Also, take a breath.  Showers (although seemingly very important), aren't meant to be stressful.  They are meant to be a gift from a host or hosts to MTB.  Yes, it sounds like your wedding shower sucked, but in the end, it's really about a bunch of people giving you gifts - so think less about venue, money, drama and more about how someone is hosting this for YOU and be gracious and calm, and enjoy the special time.

 
 
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02-18-2013 at 7:38 PM
somerandom...
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The hostess, your mother, gets to make the decisions. Where should you have it? Where she can afford it. How many people are invited? No more than she can afford and is comfortable with. When will it be? A date that works for her, that you can manage also.

Your in laws have no say in a party they are not hosting. It's really as simple as that. But if they're not hosting, it's perfectly acceptable to not talk about the details of the shower with them! If you want the extent of their involvement to be that they receive invites and show up, that's ok! If they're being pushy about making the shower how they want, just say "my mother is hosting my shower. As the hostess she is planning the party that works for her. So, how about them Mariners..."

And honestly, if your in laws are going to cause drama about a party being held at a hall vs a restaurant, you should tell them to go ** themselves. Or have your husband tell them for you. It's a stupid reason to make a fuss.
 
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02-18-2013 at 7:54 PM
1026pumpki...
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Estwd2:
Several things here. The hostesses are the ones who plan and pay for the shower. If the ILs aren't paying, then they aren't hosting it and need to step aside. Which brings me to you stepping aside. A shower is a gift to you. Don't worry about keeping the peace based on what happened with your bridal shower. It sounds like the problems were caused by the crazy friend anyway and she's not involved here. Let the hosts plan it. Give your input when asked, but otherwise the planning, including the location, should be up to them. Now having said all that, clearly your ILs are smoking some crack. Why would they pressure you to have it in a restaurant that your hostess can't afford and not offer to pay anything themselves? Ridiculous. There is no choice to be made here. If your mom is paying for this, she chooses the location. End of story.

All of this!  And do not tap into savings to help pay for a shower.  Hold it where the hosts can afford to have it and call it a day.  You should hang onto those savings for when baby is here. 
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02-18-2013 at 8:04 PM
BallSox
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02-18-2013 at 8:06 PM
=Lee=B
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Way too many cooks in the kitchen (both now and at bridal shower).  With that many separate people working together chaos is bound to happen...not to mention a small task can become a huge thing to get everyone on board.

 My guess would be having ONE person planning with a few 'helpers' would be the ideal way to go.  The person in charge makes the calls and delegates jobs to those willing to do as told. 

At this point with so many planners you might be best to divide up the shower into sections (food, decorations, games etc) and designate ONE person to be in charge of their specific job. 

Good luck. Hope it works out!!
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02-18-2013 at 9:02 PM
Stina2012
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This is a baby shower for goodness sake! No need to get so wrapped up in the planning and that goes for you, your Mom and ILs. It sounds like the ILs aren't hosting, but are giving opinions? Clarify who is hosting and let that person run the show. Most importantly, this is a baby shower....don't make it more important to stressful than it needs to be.
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02-18-2013 at 10:02 PM
rhubarb123
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1026pumpkin:

Estwd2:
Several things here. The hostesses are the ones who plan and pay for the shower. If the ILs aren't paying, then they aren't hosting it and need to step aside. Which brings me to you stepping aside. A shower is a gift to you. Don't worry about keeping the peace based on what happened with your bridal shower. It sounds like the problems were caused by the crazy friend anyway and she's not involved here. Let the hosts plan it. Give your input when asked, but otherwise the planning, including the location, should be up to them. Now having said all that, clearly your ILs are smoking some crack. Why would they pressure you to have it in a restaurant that your hostess can't afford and not offer to pay anything themselves? Ridiculous. There is no choice to be made here. If your mom is paying for this, she chooses the location. End of story.

All of this!  And do not tap into savings to help pay for a shower.  Hold it where the hosts can afford to have it and call it a day.  You should hang onto those savings for when baby is here. 

I totally agree with both of these.  Your mom is paying for the shower so she is the "real" hostess and gets to call the shots.  The others are just "helpers".  As far as your inlaws go...I would tell MIL that  your mom can only afford blank many people and unfortunately your DH's family will be be invited to the shower she is hosting.  If MIL wants it at a restaurant then she can pay for one there.  See if she offers.  If she doesn't then, oh well. 

You need to step away from any of the planning.  It sounds like it is stressing you out and really it is very tacky to have that much involvement with your own shower.  It is almost like "gifting"  yourself a shower.  Do not use your savings to pay for a shower.  You never know if there will be unexpected expenses once baby arrives.
 
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02-18-2013 at 10:25 PM
Betty&Co
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Tl,dr. Don't plan your own shower, leave the details to the hostesses.

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02-18-2013 at 11:12 PM
Runaway22
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cmhicklin:
If your in laws aren't paying, then they have no say. Period.

This, for sure. And by no means should you use your savings to pay for a shower. 

If your ILs want to have a shower at a nice restaurant, they can plan a separate one (as PPs have mentioned).  
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02-19-2013 at 12:09 AM
eav2c
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02-19-2013 at 1:30 AM
guilletski...
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Runaway22:

cmhicklin:
If your in laws aren't paying, then they have no say. Period.

This, for sure. And by no means should you use your savings to pay for a shower. 

If your ILs want to have a shower at a nice restaurant, they can plan a separate one (as PPs have mentioned).  

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02-19-2013 at 7:27 AM
EastCoastB...
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1 - You're too involved in this.

2 - As said, if your ILs aren't offering to pay, then they get no say.  You need to be VERY CLEAR with them that as your mom is paying, it is HER decision on where to hold it.  It's a SHOWER, not a wedding, and you will not have your mom, or anyone else, go into debt over this. 

 
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02-19-2013 at 7:53 AM
Runner1981
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If you're on one income with limited savings, why would you even consider spending it on a shower?

 A shower is no guarantee you'll get everything you need. If you waste the money on a shower just to please other people, you may wind up in a worse hard place by not being able to afford necessities because everyone at your shower got you clothes instead of bottles and diapers. 

A shower does not need to be fancy. Your mom is hosting, let her do what she can within her budget. Tell your ILs of the plan. Plain and simple.  
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02-19-2013 at 8:34 AM
Joy2611
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I read 2/3 of that with this blinking sign in my eyes saying "You don't plan your own shower."  Ever. 

If you follow that advice, then all your troubles go away.  If you don't follow that advice, then you look like a greedy greedy person.  The choice is yours.

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02-19-2013 at 9:50 AM
526SadieSa...
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This is why you shouldn't plan your own shower.  You're too involved in the planning and therefore the drama associated with planning.

It's already been said but I'm going to reiterate - the HOSTS get to dictate where, when and, how.  That's it.  If the ILs aren't contributing, they don't get a vote, period.

There's no good trying to keep up with the Joneses.  Families do things differently and if they can't come to a compromise on their own, then they have to separate their efforts.
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02-19-2013 at 12:21 PM
mdesmet20
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As PP have said, take a step back from helping to plan your shower. This is a gift to you and if your hostess is inclined to ask for your input, this is when it should be given.

As for the Hall vs Restaurant debate, well if your In-Laws are not paying, then they are not hosting, regardless of any help they may offer to the hostess. The hostess, in this case, is your mother. Let her know that you are happy with whatever venue she chooses and take a moment to thank her for offering to host this and let her know how much you appreciate her generosity.

I truly hope this whole issue isn't making your mother feel as if she is throwing an inferior shower, simply because you have outspoken and ungrateful in-laws.
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02-19-2013 at 8:43 PM
PrimRoseMa...
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MrsNorry:
Tl,dr. Don't plan your own shower, leave the details to the hostesses.


This. Bow out and let them deal with the details. Your job is to show up, slap on a smile, stuff your face and be appreciative. The rest is up to the hostess. Give up being a control freak.
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02-20-2013 at 12:37 PM
JBMarq3
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cmhicklin:
If your in laws aren't paying, then they have no say. Period.

This exactly!
 
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02-21-2013 at 8:40 PM
julienoe
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I agree if your in-laws are not paying they shouldn't have a say, "and if its your family's "responsibility" then they are free to choose wherever they can afford. Don't over stress, someone will always be disappointed, as long as its not you then let the world spin! Besides this baby shower is about you and your baby, so you make the decisions, whoever wants to attend they are welcome and if they choose not to well its not your problem. That's why I planned my own baby shower. 
 
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02-25-2013 at 12:01 PM
shanay981
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Just wanted to thank all of youo for your advice/input here... it IS stressing me out and I do not want a repeat of last year...that's for sure! I am now in a position where I think I know what to do and HOPEFULLY I can just enjoy the moment this time. Just wanted to send my appreciation to you all who replied.. your thoughts and concerns were taken into heart and I honestly thank you for taking the time to read my post :-)

Good luck to all the upcoming mommies to be!!

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02-25-2013 at 1:58 PM
RedheadBak...
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shanay981:

My bridal shower was to be planned/organized and thrown by my ENTIRE bridal party including my mother. I had ZERO control or involvement in it.

I got to this part, thought to myself "That's the way it's supposed to be," and skipped over the rest.  
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