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02-20-2013 at 11:56 AM
JJ3813
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JJ3813 is not online. Last active: 05-09-2013, 8:26 PMNewbie

Should I offer?

I'm looking for some advice. I knew my mother was planning on throwing me a shower over the weekend. What I didn't realize was that my SIL co-hosted it, and is also expecting a few weeks after our LO is set to arrive. I was told at my appointment today that it could happen any day now, or it could be a couple of weeks. I know my MIL is planning on hosting a shower for my SIL in the next month or so, and I don't know if I should offer to host it with her. I really would like to, but I'm a FTM and I have absolutely no idea how the final days of my pregnancy will be, nor do I know what to expect in the first few weeks that LO is here. I feel rude not offering to host, especially since I think my MIL has been hinting at it, but I also don't want to agree to host it and not be able to contribute as much effort as I should and be an 'absentee hostess'. We have also had to be extra cautious of our finances lately and whether or not my MIL is aware of it, we don't exactly have the extra income to contribute to the size of her shower or the fancy venue (80 guests at a country club). I don't want to seem ungrateful for the shower that was thrown for me, but the timing of this shower has me very concerned...I just really don't want to sound rude if I don't offer to host with my MIL. Is it okay to offer as much help as I can give but not technically host? My own shower was actually the first I've ever been to, so I am admittedly very clueless in this department. 

Any ideas?  
 
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02-20-2013 at 12:04 PM
1026pumpki...
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Do you know when MIL is planning the shower?  If it's not too close to your due date, offer to take on specific tasks- order and mail out invitations, plan shower games and purchase small prizes, keep a list of gifts/gift givers for the mom while she's opening presents, etc.  You can keep it within your budget this way, and many of these tasks can be done ahead of time while you're still feeling good.
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02-20-2013 at 12:05 PM
Andindria
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With you getting ready to have your own newborn, I am sure they will understand if you don't offer. Unfortunately, you are going to have your own healing and bonding to do with the baby so assisting in planning the shower will not be very feasible. However, you can offer to the host to make a dish or two if they would like. I would be more worried about adjusting to your new baby (and I'm sure the MTB would understand)
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02-20-2013 at 12:29 PM
PunkyBoost...
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I would offer to help- such as address invites, manage RSVPs or something of that nature. 
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02-20-2013 at 12:32 PM
rhubarb123
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I didn't read any of the other replies but this is what I would do.  First, tell your mom that you really want to reciprocate the SIL's help but you are not sure you will be able to physically. Ask her if she would be willing to fill in for you if you are unable to fullfil that obligation.  If she is then I would tell your MIL that you would be more then happy to help although you cannot help financially at this time.  Let her know that with your pregnancy things are iffy but if for some reason you cannot help your mother has said that she would step in for you (providing your mother has said OK).  If your mother says she would rather not then just let MIL know that you would love to help but you just don't know if you will be "up to it" when the time comes.  Make sure you let her know that you are unable to contribute financially with the extra expenses you have with the baby.

I know shower hosting is not tit-for-tat but in your situation I could see how you would like to reciprocate.  Hopefully you find a solution.
 
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02-20-2013 at 12:40 PM
ELauren88
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I would say just offer to help out. Not exactly "co-host", but  maybe see if your MIL needs help putting together center pieces? Or favors? Perhaps you can be the guest that keeps the list of gifts? Small things that will def help, but not make you over extend yourself.
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02-20-2013 at 12:42 PM
tilsonc
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Do whatever you are comfortable doing. I would probably plan to help out with a part of the shower if she helped with yours (the cake, invites, favors, ect). You do not have to attend to help plan. I would suggest to the MIL that you would love to help host and is it possible for you to help with xyz. I would do some research on the cost ahead of time (cake, ect) before you volunteer to help so you are not suprised. I would play it by ear on if you will be able to attend as you will have a new born. It might be fun to get a break and have hubby watch baby for an hour or so if its local, but you will have to see how you feel. I would send a gift if you are not able to attend.  

 
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02-20-2013 at 12:47 PM
EastCoastB...
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Hosting isn't tit for tat. If you don't feel up to it, don't offer. Just offer what you feel comfortable doing.
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02-20-2013 at 12:51 PM
discobelle
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I wouldn't commit to hosting.  I had c-sections with both of my babies and was in no shape to host a party during the first month postpartum.  It's iffy if I would have even been able to attend at all.

It sounds like decisions have already been made about the size of guest list and the pricey venue.  If you didn't have any input on those decisions or the budget, you shouldn't be expected to pay for it after the fact.

Maybe instead of hosting the shower, you could focus on getting her an extra special gift?

 

 

 
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02-20-2013 at 1:04 PM
jobiann
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If it were me, I'd offer to help do something that was helpful but not too time consuming, like writing the invitations, ordering food, putting together easy decorations, etc. Things you can do when the baby is sleeping but that will not take up too much time so you can stay rested as well. 

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02-20-2013 at 2:15 PM
milkergirl...
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Like pp's said, just offer what you feel comfortable doing.  80 guests at a country club seems a little excessive.  And your MIL doesn't have to know about your financial issues-the best way is to say that since you're having a baby, you've cut back for baby related expenses. 

If it were me, I would tell my MIL that I would like to help as much as I could, but there are so many unknowns, that I'd do my best to help with as much as I could, but we'd have to play it by ear. 

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02-20-2013 at 2:20 PM
joshandpan...
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PunkyBooster:
I would offer to help- such as address invites, manage RSVPs or something of that nature. 

I agree with this...

tell them you can help out with what you can, as long as it is not as physical (like set-up, or clean-up etc.) 
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02-20-2013 at 3:01 PM
526SadieSa...
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You could offer to help do things for the shower but co-hosting might be too much for you at the very end of your pregnancy/with a newborn - whichever.
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02-21-2013 at 10:39 AM
JJ3813
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JJ3813 is not online. Last active: 05-09-2013, 8:26 PMNewbie

Thank you!! I think I will offer to help with some of the minor details but not actually host....I just wanted to make sure I wasn't committing a shower no-no since this is unchartered territory for me. Hopefully my MIL and other guests will understand and I won't get the side-eye for not returning the duty of hosting. 

 Thanks again!  
 
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