I feel really bad for your friend especially since she did so much for your shower and now you don't have time for hers (because you had kids first? or maybe other reasons, you didn't really say why you had no time).  You should be totally upfront with her how you have no intention of throwing her a shower so she isn't disappointed when nothing happens.

It sucks to be her.  I can see why she would think you would throw a shower for her since you are such good friends and she did so much for you.  I'm not saying that you throw a shower with the intention of getting one in return but you would think that the person who received the shower would WANT to make her friend feel just as special and awesome without having to "suck it up and just plan it".  My younger sister threw my wedding shower and my baby shower and I fully intend to throw her showers for her when the time comes no matter how busy I am in my life because I want her to feel special too.

Personally, I would suck it up.  To a point.  I would be honest and tell her that you are really busy and time is an issue, but that you'd like to co-host w/ someone else.  Has anyone else offered?

I would just expect that she'd probably be really hurt if you say "sorry- not doing it".  yes, a shower is a gift and to a point, she's rude to assume.  But based on your history, I'm not shocked at her assumptions. 

If she's done a lot for you and your kids over the years, and now here it is- her turn and you say "oh, oops, sorry.  Too busy", I could see her being really hurt.

mcooper014:

I feel really bad for your friend especially since she did so much for your shower and now you don't have time for hers (because you had kids first? or maybe other reasons, you didn't really say why you had no time).  You should be totally upfront with her how you have no intention of throwing her a shower so she isn't disappointed when nothing happens.

It sucks to be her.  I can see why she would think you would throw a shower for her since you are such good friends and she did so much for you.  I'm not saying that you throw a shower with the intention of getting one in return but you would think that the person who received the shower would WANT to make her friend feel just as special and awesome without having to "suck it up and just plan it".  My younger sister threw my wedding shower and my baby shower and I fully intend to throw her showers for her when the time comes no matter how busy I am in my life because I want her to feel special too.

I think this post is a little unfair to the OP. A shower is supposed to be a gift that is freely given, not out of obligation or the whole "I scratch your back, you scratch mine" mentality. If a shower cannot be given the proper time and financial commitments that I'm sure the OP believes it deserves, then she is right not to fully commit when she's not sure she can..The guilt dripping off this post just does not sit well with me.

OP, an alterntive I would suggest.is to hook up with a mutual friend or family member of the MTB who may have the time and financial resources and see if they'd be willing to co-host. It sounds like you really DO want to do this for her, but time and money are precious commodities. Like I said before, the throwing of a shower should be a freely given gift, not a burden or obligation. 

RibbitGrl930:

mcooper014:

I feel really bad for your friend especially since she did so much for your shower and now you don't have time for hers (because you had kids first? or maybe other reasons, you didn't really say why you had no time).  You should be totally upfront with her how you have no intention of throwing her a shower so she isn't disappointed when nothing happens.

It sucks to be her.  I can see why she would think you would throw a shower for her since you are such good friends and she did so much for you.  I'm not saying that you throw a shower with the intention of getting one in return but you would think that the person who received the shower would WANT to make her friend feel just as special and awesome without having to "suck it up and just plan it".  My younger sister threw my wedding shower and my baby shower and I fully intend to throw her showers for her when the time comes no matter how busy I am in my life because I want her to feel special too.

I think this post is a little unfair to the OP. A shower is supposed to be a gift that is freely given, not out of obligation or the whole "I scratch your back, you scratch mine" mentality. If a shower cannot be given the proper time and financial commitments that I'm sure the OP believes it deserves, then she is right not to fully commit when she's not sure she can..The guilt dripping off this post just does not sit well with me.

OP, an alterntive I would suggest.is to hook up with a mutual friend or family member of the MTB who may have the time and financial resources and see if they'd be willing to co-host. It sounds like you really DO want to do this for her, but time and money are precious commodities. Like I said before, the throwing of a shower should be a freely given gift, not a burden or obligation. 

I never said she was obligated to throw a shower, just wasn't understanding why she didnt WANT to.  The OP never said exactly why she had no time so maybe she has a very legitimate reason why she can't which is why I said she should be totally honest with her friend so she knows not to expect it.  I still feel bad for her friend.  You make a very good point that she can hook up with a mutual friend to co-host.

mcooper014:

RibbitGrl930:

mcooper014:

I feel really bad for your friend especially since she did so much for your shower and now you don't have time for hers (because you had kids first? or maybe other reasons, you didn't really say why you had no time).  You should be totally upfront with her how you have no intention of throwing her a shower so she isn't disappointed when nothing happens.

It sucks to be her.  I can see why she would think you would throw a shower for her since you are such good friends and she did so much for you.  I'm not saying that you throw a shower with the intention of getting one in return but you would think that the person who received the shower would WANT to make her friend feel just as special and awesome without having to "suck it up and just plan it".  My younger sister threw my wedding shower and my baby shower and I fully intend to throw her showers for her when the time comes no matter how busy I am in my life because I want her to feel special too.

I think this post is a little unfair to the OP. A shower is supposed to be a gift that is freely given, not out of obligation or the whole "I scratch your back, you scratch mine" mentality. If a shower cannot be given the proper time and financial commitments that I'm sure the OP believes it deserves, then she is right not to fully commit when she's not sure she can..The guilt dripping off this post just does not sit well with me.

OP, an alterntive I would suggest.is to hook up with a mutual friend or family member of the MTB who may have the time and financial resources and see if they'd be willing to co-host. It sounds like you really DO want to do this for her, but time and money are precious commodities. Like I said before, the throwing of a shower should be a freely given gift, not a burden or obligation. 

I never said she was obligated to throw a shower, just wasn't understanding why she didnt WANT to.  The OP never said exactly why she had no time so maybe she has a very legitimate reason why she can't which is why I said she should be totally honest with her friend so she knows not to expect it.  I still feel bad for her friend.  You make a very good point that she can hook up with a mutual friend to co-host.

EastCoastBride:

Personally, I would suck it up.  To a point.  I would be honest and tell her that you are really busy and time is an issue, but that you'd like to co-host w/ someone else.  Has anyone else offered?

I would just expect that she'd probably be really hurt if you say "sorry- not doing it".  yes, a shower is a gift and to a point, she's rude to assume.  But based on your history, I'm not shocked at her assumptions. 

If she's done a lot for you and your kids over the years, and now here it is- her turn and you say "oh, oops, sorry.  Too busy", I could see her being really hurt.

This! I would normally side eye someone dropping hints for a shower, but based on your history, I think it would be kind of cruddy if you didn't do something to help out.  I would talk with her and let her know that you're really excited about the baby and shower, but things have been crazy for you lately and you're wondering if there is anyone she could recommend you approach to co-host the shower?  Obviously you don't have to do it, but after all she's done for you, I think it would be very nice if you found a way to do it.

mcooper014:

I feel really bad for your friend especially since she did so much for your shower and now you don't have time for hers (because you had kids first? or maybe other reasons, you didn't really say why you had no time).  You should be totally upfront with her how you have no intention of throwing her a shower so she isn't disappointed when nothing happens.

It sucks to be her.  I can see why she would think you would throw a shower for her since you are such good friends and she did so much for you.  I'm not saying that you throw a shower with the intention of getting one in return but you would think that the person who received the shower would WANT to make her friend feel just as special and awesome without having to "suck it up and just plan it".  My younger sister threw my wedding shower and my baby shower and I fully intend to throw her showers for her when the time comes no matter how busy I am in my life because I want her to feel special too.

I agree with this. While she should not assume you would throw it, since she gave you an awesome shower, one would think you would like to reciprocate if you are such good friends. Also be prepared for her to be extremely hurt if you don`t throw her one. She went out of her way for you but you don`t want to do the same, that is hurtful.

cole2144:

mcooper014:

I feel really bad for your friend especially since she did so much for your shower and now you don't have time for hers (because you had kids first? or maybe other reasons, you didn't really say why you had no time).  You should be totally upfront with her how you have no intention of throwing her a shower so she isn't disappointed when nothing happens.

It sucks to be her.  I can see why she would think you would throw a shower for her since you are such good friends and she did so much for you.  I'm not saying that you throw a shower with the intention of getting one in return but you would think that the person who received the shower would WANT to make her friend feel just as special and awesome without having to "suck it up and just plan it".  My younger sister threw my wedding shower and my baby shower and I fully intend to throw her showers for her when the time comes no matter how busy I am in my life because I want her to feel special too.

I agree with this. While she should not assume you would throw it, since she gave you an awesome shower, one would think you would like to reciprocate if you are such good friends. Also be prepared for her to be extremely hurt if you don`t throw her one. She went out of her way for you but you don`t want to do the same, that is hurtful.

Ask to throw her a shower, but email other family/friends to see if they want to help you co-host. I had 6 people host my shower and thought it was great. Everyone can help with 1 piece of the shower (invites, cake, decor, ect) so you are not overloaded.

5LittleBears:

cole2144:

mcooper014:

I feel really bad for your friend especially since she did so much for your shower and now you don't have time for hers (because you had kids first? or maybe other reasons, you didn't really say why you had no time).  You should be totally upfront with her how you have no intention of throwing her a shower so she isn't disappointed when nothing happens.

It sucks to be her.  I can see why she would think you would throw a shower for her since you are such good friends and she did so much for you.  I'm not saying that you throw a shower with the intention of getting one in return but you would think that the person who received the shower would WANT to make her friend feel just as special and awesome without having to "suck it up and just plan it".  My younger sister threw my wedding shower and my baby shower and I fully intend to throw her showers for her when the time comes no matter how busy I am in my life because I want her to feel special too.

I agree with this. While she should not assume you would throw it, since she gave you an awesome shower, one would think you would like to reciprocate if you are such good friends. Also be prepared for her to be extremely hurt if you don`t throw her one. She went out of her way for you but you don`t want to do the same, that is hurtful.

I think my issue was that she did indeed throw me a nice shower and I don't know if I can put the time into it that should be put into it. I don't want to throw her a shower that I could not put as much into as I should. Does that make sense? Anyway, I am going to try to find a co-host that can help me out. Wish me luck!

I get that but like the saying goes to have a good friend, you have to be one. Good Luck!

5LittleBears:

cole2144:

mcooper014:

I feel really bad for your friend especially since she did so much for your shower and now you don't have time for hers (because you had kids first? or maybe other reasons, you didn't really say why you had no time).  You should be totally upfront with her how you have no intention of throwing her a shower so she isn't disappointed when nothing happens.

It sucks to be her.  I can see why she would think you would throw a shower for her since you are such good friends and she did so much for you.  I'm not saying that you throw a shower with the intention of getting one in return but you would think that the person who received the shower would WANT to make her friend feel just as special and awesome without having to "suck it up and just plan it".  My younger sister threw my wedding shower and my baby shower and I fully intend to throw her showers for her when the time comes no matter how busy I am in my life because I want her to feel special too.

I agree with this. While she should not assume you would throw it, since she gave you an awesome shower, one would think you would like to reciprocate if you are such good friends. Also be prepared for her to be extremely hurt if you don`t throw her one. She went out of her way for you but you don`t want to do the same, that is hurtful.

I think my issue was that she did indeed throw me a nice shower and I don't know if I can put the time into it that should be put into it. I don't want to throw her a shower that I could not put as much into as I should. Does that make sense? Anyway, I am going to try to find a co-host that can help me out. Wish me luck!

I'm sure since she is a very good friend of yours that she knows about the situation you are going through and wouldn't expect the most extravagant of all showers.  The most important part is that friends and family are there to celebrate with her, not all the little details and themes, etc.  Goodluck!

somerandomchick:

I don't think you have to just suck it up and throw a shower anyways... For one thing, you don't know what the mom to be is thinking. It's unlikely she is thinking 'I threw yours so you owe me a shower.' Possible, but not likely. More likely she's just thinking 'the shower is thrown by MTBs bestie, OP is my bestie, she is the shower thrower'. So I don't think OP should assume her friend is going to feel terrible if the shower gift is not reciprocated in kind. If your friend is really an amazing person, which she's your BFF so she probably is!, I bet shed feel bad if she realized you threw her one you didn't have time for and ran yourself ragged.

Be honest with your friend. It's entirely possible that because she's so used to the best friend shower, she has turned down or ignored other offers or hints at offers. Say you can't commit to throwing her a shower and ask if anyone else, her family or another friend, has mentioned throwing a shower so you can help or cohost and give what's possible for your life. Or you could see about doing a smaller, more casual shower! But DON'T just assume your friend would think you ruined her life if you speak up.

I would throw her a shower- ask her mom, sister, aunt, or another friend (or 2) to help you co host. That way you can divide up tasks evenly and it won't take up quite so much of your time. 

You sound like you 2 have been very close and she has done a lot for you. Throwing together an afternoon luncheon in her honor is the least you can do, IMO.

As for her "suggestions" I would say, "I'll keep that in mind!" and certainly incorporate them, but you should also feel free to tell her you'd like to leave some of the decor and planning a surprise.  Plus, to help with time and decor, there are those parties in a box you can get from party supply sites from Amazon or Eazy Peazy. 

PunkyBooster:

Plus, to help with time and decor, there are those parties in a box you can get from party supply sites from Amazon or Eazy Peazy. 

 

EastCoastBride:

Personally, I would suck it up.  To a point.  I would be honest and tell her that you are really busy and time is an issue, but that you'd like to co-host w/ someone else.  Has anyone else offered?

I would just expect that she'd probably be really hurt if you say "sorry- not doing it".  yes, a shower is a gift and to a point, she's rude to assume.  But based on your history, I'm not shocked at her assumptions. 

If she's done a lot for you and your kids over the years, and now here it is- her turn and you say "oh, oops, sorry.  Too busy", I could see her being really hurt.

I agree with this.  Also, you said you can't do it because you are too busy but nothing about being unable to do it because of finances...maybe you could hire a party planner to make it happen.

BTW...we are ALL busy.  I have 3 young kids and I host showers all the time...plus I work full-time and my DH is out of town a LOT.  I see "being busy" as a very poor excuse to not host this shower for your good friend and certainly not worth the hurt she will feel.

I am kinda lurking, but thought I'd add in my 2 cents.

Lookng at your multiple tickers, showing you have 5 kids, and one of them is only a few months. I woudl have to just let her know that you are unable to fully plan and throw a shower for her but if someone else would be willing to help maybe you can help out with it. That is what I am trying to do for my SIL. I already have 2 kids and am pregnant. I am due the month before her, actually like 2 weeks, I work full time and dont have the extra time nor money to throw her a shower but I want to help plan and everything. Maybe you could see about helping another good friend or her mom with one.

rhubarb123:

EastCoastBride:

Personally, I would suck it up.  To a point.  I would be honest and tell her that you are really busy and time is an issue, but that you'd like to co-host w/ someone else.  Has anyone else offered?

I would just expect that she'd probably be really hurt if you say "sorry- not doing it".  yes, a shower is a gift and to a point, she's rude to assume.  But based on your history, I'm not shocked at her assumptions. 

If she's done a lot for you and your kids over the years, and now here it is- her turn and you say "oh, oops, sorry.  Too busy", I could see her being really hurt.

I agree with this.  Also, you said you can't do it because you are too busy but nothing about being unable to do it because of finances...maybe you could hire a party planner to make it happen.

BTW...we are ALL busy.  I have 3 young kids and I host showers all the time...plus I work full-time and my DH is call a LOT.  I see "being busy" as a very poor excuse to not host this shower for your good friend and certainly not worth the hurt she will feel.

5LittleBears:

Look, I understand everyone is busy. I however do not find it to be a 'poor' excuse. Here we go, my daughter is having very severe health issues which is zapping the life out of me. And in the future, it will be affecting our finances (even though yes, right this minute I could probably afford the shower with a little help) I didn't just say busy, I said my energy is completely drained and my plate is extremely full. Anyways, as I have said, I have contacted others who could possibly co-host with me.  

EastCoastBride:

5LittleBears:

Look, I understand everyone is busy. I however do not find it to be a 'poor' excuse. Here we go, my daughter is having very severe health issues which is zapping the life out of me. And in the future, it will be affecting our finances (even though yes, right this minute I could probably afford the shower with a little help) I didn't just say busy, I said my energy is completely drained and my plate is extremely full. Anyways, as I have said, I have contacted others who could possibly co-host with me.  

We can only respond to what you tell us.  I understand why you don't want to share everything, but we can't give informed responses if we're not informed!  And knowing about your DD, I can much more clearly understand why you don't feel up to it - and I could think of a number of ways to explain this to your friend.

5LittleBears:

I know that. I guess I got a little defensive. I didn't want anyone thinking/implying that I am finding any excuse to get out of this... that's so from the case, it really is. I am waiting to hear back from a few people and going to co-host. So again, thanks for all the responses. 

Good luck w/ whatever you decide to do, and with your DD. 

EastCoastBride:

5LittleBears:

I know that. I guess I got a little defensive. I didn't want anyone thinking/implying that I am finding any excuse to get out of this... that's so from the case, it really is. I am waiting to hear back from a few people and going to co-host. So again, thanks for all the responses. 

But there are excuses ("I have 5 kids and am just SOOOO busy" is an excuse) and then there are truly valid reasons, which I think you have.  Unfortunately. :(

Good luck w/ whatever you decide to do, and with your DD. 

 

EastCoastBride:

5LittleBears:

I know that. I guess I got a little defensive. I didn't want anyone thinking/implying that I am finding any excuse to get out of this... that's so from the case, it really is. I am waiting to hear back from a few people and going to co-host. So again, thanks for all the responses. 

But there are excuses ("I have 5 kids and am just SOOOO busy" is an excuse) and then there are truly valid reasons, which I think you have.  Unfortunately. :(

Good luck w/ whatever you decide to do, and with your DD. 

 

somerandomchick:

EastCoastBride:

5LittleBears:

I know that. I guess I got a little defensive. I didn't want anyone thinking/implying that I am finding any excuse to get out of this... that's so from the case, it really is. I am waiting to hear back from a few people and going to co-host. So again, thanks for all the responses. 

But there are excuses ("I have 5 kids and am just SOOOO busy" is an excuse) and then there are truly valid reasons, which I think you have.  Unfortunately. :(

Good luck w/ whatever you decide to do, and with your DD. 

 

I don't think it's fair to say that OP has to provide a 'TRULY valid reason' why she is too busy or we will all condemn her for being a terrible person. It's not your business whether her reason is 'valid' or not. She doesn't feel like she is up to providing a baby shower, that is a valid reason! I think it's kind of bitchy to be like 'that's just an EXCUSE jeez! Your reasons aren't good enough for my standards!' Who are you to say what's a good enough reason? I think different people react differently to the same life circumstances, and whether one person thrives with five kids and a job or taking care of them all the time, and another person feels just exhausted and run ragged, its not your business to tell somebody how they SHOULD feel based on their life. Whether or not you have a sick child, "I don't feel like I can do that properly" is a perfectly good excuse. OP shouldn't have to justify herself to anybody.

Actually just not really feeling like it, is a shitty excuse to not do something nice for a good friend who threw you an awesome shower.

cole2144:

somerandomchick:

EastCoastBride:

5LittleBears:

I know that. I guess I got a little defensive. I didn't want anyone thinking/implying that I am finding any excuse to get out of this... that's so from the case, it really is. I am waiting to hear back from a few people and going to co-host. So again, thanks for all the responses. 

But there are excuses ("I have 5 kids and am just SOOOO busy" is an excuse) and then there are truly valid reasons, which I think you have.  Unfortunately. :(

Good luck w/ whatever you decide to do, and with your DD. 

 

I don't think it's fair to say that OP has to provide a 'TRULY valid reason' why she is too busy or we will all condemn her for being a terrible person. It's not your business whether her reason is 'valid' or not. She doesn't feel like she is up to providing a baby shower, that is a valid reason! I think it's kind of bitchy to be like 'that's just an EXCUSE jeez! Your reasons aren't good enough for my standards!' Who are you to say what's a good enough reason? I think different people react differently to the same life circumstances, and whether one person thrives with five kids and a job or taking care of them all the time, and another person feels just exhausted and run ragged, its not your business to tell somebody how they SHOULD feel based on their life. Whether or not you have a sick child, "I don't feel like I can do that properly" is a perfectly good excuse. OP shouldn't have to justify herself to anybody.

Actually just not really feeling like it, is a shitty excuse to not do something nice for a good friend who threw you an awesome shower.